Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

JOE LACOB – COURTSIDE CHEERMASTER

"RESPECT THE COCK!"

“RESPECT THE COCK!”

For those of you who are not IN THE KNOW, Golden State Warriors owner Joe Lacob is a knucklehead. He likes to go batshit crazy during close games and his vice is that he likes to be the center of attention. Like when Chris Mullin was having his jersey retired and he gave a nice speech (considering it was a night honoring him), then Lacob had the PA announcer say “We’ve saved the best for last” so Lacob could get up and say a few words – a pretty pompous move that didn’t piss anyone off at all.

But it’s not all bad. Read between the lines and you see Lacob for what he is: a big fat party animal that paid an arm and a leg for an NBA basketball team. So what…he wants to have a great time and be like Pitbull in a Bud Light commercial. His dream is for Oracle Arena to turn into a giant dance party and he’d be Pitbull fist pumping and watching everyone have fun while everyone in shouting distance would be like “Hey Joe! Great job! You’re the man!” And he’d just do a cool guy Pitbull head bob like it ain’t no thang.

Anyhoo. I say all of this because when you get a chance to catch Joe Lacob on TV, it’s a whole lot of fun to remember these facts. Like last night when the W’s beat the Thunder. I caught the end of the game, and right after Carl Landry put the W’s up 3 with just over two minutes remaining I saw a goober sitting courtside doing very peppy things. Sure enough, it was Joe Lacob. So I rewound the game, and checked what he did.

joe lacob courtside cheermaster

This picture does not do his peppiness justice. He leapt from his seat and flailed his arms like Steve Ballmer at a Microsoft pep rally. In his mind: GET UP! GET UP! Because you know, he’s the leader. People should see his intensity and match that intensity.

lacob cheering 2

This is when he realizes nobody is standing up, but he has already committed to standing and cheering. So he claps. Like a coach. Everything is cool, gang.

lacob 3

Adjusting his pants. He wasn’t trying to get everyone to join in a cool guy cheer, OK? He’s standing because he’s the boss and he does what he wants.

lacob 4

Scoping the scene. Like a smooth operator.

lacob 5

Foul on W’s. Crowd silences. Lacob sits down. Nothing to see here.

One day, there is GOING to be party. And mark my words: Joe Lacob will be front and center.

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Podcast – Ballin’ with Bozos: Episode 7

kahnbozo

On this episode of “Ballin’ with Bozos” Gavin compliments himself on his song choices, Brian gets jittery about the Warriors remaining schedule, the boyz discuss why Mark Jackson never lifted weights, Gavin gets superpumped about the celebrity death match that is the starting lineup of the Eastern Conference All Stars, Rajon Rondo being a dickhead and kinda awesome at the same time, Billy Hunter being a con-man, and more.

Fun fact: Gavin ends the episode talking about the Blazers for 4 minutes then immediately compliments himself for not talking about the Blazers during the episode.

http://soundcloud.com/gavin-15/ballin-with-bozos-episode-7

J.J. Hickson (aka “J.J. Hustle”) An Overrated Rebounder? Trick Please.

jj hustle

For awhile there I thought I could just completely neglect this blog, never write anything again, and just do Skype podcasts because talking is just so much easier than writing.  I didn’t think that…not really.  But kind of.  Really, it’s that I’ve been busy polluting my mind with grown ass man thoughts like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?” and “YOU’RE GOING BALD YOU SHOULD JUST QUIT BEING A PUSSY, SHAVE YOUR HEAD AND ROCK THAT SHIT LIKE AN UGLIER VERSION OF A  ‘BIG-BONED’ JASON STATHAM.”  My birthday and the holidays do this to me.

But now that things are all settled down I refocused my attention on things that really grind my gears.  Take for example, this headline: “Neil Paine (of Basketball-Reference): Blazers F/C J.J. Hickson Tops List of ‘Overrated Rebounders’”.

I’m fairly certain that I’m on record as saying that hell will freeze over on the day that I defend J.J. Hickson.  Well then.  Those terrible motherfuckers burning away in eternal damnation better grab their mittens, because this shit’s about to go down.

Let me just get this out of the way: I like advanced stats.  Advanced stats helped usher us out of what I like to call the Ricky Davis era.  There’s a reason John Hollinger just got hired as the VP of Basketball Operations for the Memphis Grizzlies and there’s a reason Daryl Morey is one of the most respected GM’s in the league.  Advanced stats are good by me.

Pictured: This is Endo using his computer to talk about stats because stats are great and he loves stats.

Pictured: This is a live shot of Brian, aka Endo (the other half of the Ballin’ with Bozos crew), using his computer to talk about stats because stats are great and he loves stats.

But let’s look at what Paine had to say about Hickson:

Superficially speaking, Hickson appears to be one of the league’s best rebounders, averaging 10.8 boards per game (sixth-best in the NBA) with a 21.7 rebounding percentage (fourth-best). However, there’s plenty of evidence that many of those rebounds have simply been stolen from his teammates, not opponents. ..Despite Hickson’s gaudy individual stats, the Blazers have a negative net rebound rate with him in the lineup, and they actually rebound at a better rate when he’s not on the floor.

I think my head is going to explode.  Cool.

Herein lies my beef with this analysis.  We are completely overcomplicating an easily identifiable trait.  The guy can rebound.  That’s it.  It’s not like saying the guy can shoot (because he can take bad shots) or the guy can pass (because he can make bad decisions).  When a guy’s rebounding, he’s not gonna wait for somebody else to grab it.  He just freaking rebounds.  There’s no greater science to it – unless he’s literally bowling over teammates to grab rebounds to pad his stats, and if that were the case it would be plain to see for everyone watching.

Now, I know what the counterargument would be to my rant here.  It would be “Nobody ever said he’s a bad rebounder.”  True.  But the entire purpose of that column was to rile things up by identifying a cool thing, tainting it one way or another, then acting like it’s all good.  It’s like how I passive-aggressivley sneeze in people’s beers at bars.  Dude it was an ACCIDENT.  No HARM no FOUL.

I already know what J.J. Hickson is: an energy guy that will chase rebounds and do some fun things and he’s probably best served coming off the bench.  He’s playing out of his mind this year and somebody is gonna overpay him because it’s the NBA and that’s just what happens.  Truth is, I don’t expect J.J. to be on the Blazers next year, and therefore I’m not attached to him as a Blazer at all.

Why am I so mad about this, then?

Because this is the kind of shit that makes Reggie Miller believe he has some sort of credibility.  When the old dogs start saying stuff like “you know it when you see it” and try to discredit advanced stats-guru while signing a Qyntel Woods type for $20,000,000 they’ll point to things like this.  And that drives me NUTS.

Hi.  I'm David Kahn.  Gavin is talking about bad personnel moves, so I have no idea why he's inserting my picture here.  He can be very wacky that way.

Hi. I’m David Kahn. Gavin is talking about bad personnel moves, so I have no idea why he’s inserting my picture here. He can be very wacky that way.

That said, Neil Paine and I can still be friends.  He’s doing his damned job.  ESPN likes these kinda headlines and Paine has got to GET HIS, if you will.  He and the rest of the advanced stats dudes can run circles around me in regards to PER and all that stuff.  Keep up the good work.

(Important Note: See what I did there at the end?  I sneezed in his beer, so to speak.)

Podcast – Ballin’ with Bozos: Episode 6

cavsdan

Happy New Year my wankstas!  Discussed on this epiosde of Ballin’ with Bozos: Brian’s mea culpa to David Lee, Lamarcus Aldridge’s torrid love affair with 16-23 foot jumpers, The Maloof’s getting dirtier than Rachel Phelps, Latrell Sprewell’s afternoon party gone awry, the bed Deron Williams made, Gavin’s botched New Years Resolution, the debut of our very first segment “SHOULDA DISSED YA”, & more.

Questions/suggestions/comments/e-hugs welcomed.  Hit us up in the comments or at ballinwithbozos@gmail.com

http://soundcloud.com/gavin-15/ballin-with-bozos-episode-6

Podcast – Ballin’ with Bozos: Episode 5

Note: My attorney pointed out that my HTML skills weren’t all that good which was his way of saying that the links below didn’t work and I didn’t do anything to fix it because I didn’t get the joke (and I still don’t).  But I fixed it now because he spelled it out for me last night as so: “You realize the links for your podcast don’t work on your blog, right?”

Well then.  When you put it that way.  Apologies for the inconvenience fellow bozos.  As always, I blame Soundcloud.

 

bosh ballin with bozos

Wassup ya big bozos!

In this episode, the Ballin’ with Bozos Boyz discover that Gavin can’t talk, hell freezes over and Brian gives major dap to his friends on the Warriors, Gavin embarrasses himself by mixing up his 2004 ACC facts, Brian discloses his new man crush, the guys discuss the Kevin Love drama, still loving Boogie Cousins when he acts a foo’, Brian dishes on his trip to Brooklyn, and more.

http://soundcloud.com/gavin-15/ballin-with-bozos-episode-5

 

Podcast – Ballin’ with Bozos: Episode 4

cavsdan

Jetsetting Brian equals shotgun podcast by the Ballin’ with Bozos boyz! On this episode Brian and Gavin talk about the Barclay’s Center, the Warriors (duh), the Blazers (double duh), Stan Van Gundy bullying Dwight Howard, Adam Silver becoming NBA commish, Sheed Wallace, Pelicans, and more.

http://soundcloud.com/supermanlyhappyhourpod/ballin-with-bozos-episode-4

And for those who dare…the infamous “Blazers trade chart” referenced in the pod can be found here: https://fourthquartermeltdown.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/2005-nba-draft-to-now-with-notes1.jpg

Ric Bucher is Picking on Sacramento Kings Fans. Time to Drop Some Mufuggin Business Savvy & Tell Him How It Is

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I enjoy me some Sacramento Kings basketball.  They aren’t my team and never will be (#RipCity4Life) but there’s just something about them that makes me enjoy them a whole lot.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Who’s got two thumbs and is a crotchety enigma that puts up double doubles and tweets hilarious things when he’s cranky?  THIS GUY.

Who’s got two thumbs and is a crotchety enigma that puts up double doubles and tweets hilarious things when he’s cranky? THIS GUY.

So naturally, when I woke up this morning and saw that a national media personality was gettin’ all up in Sacramento’s face I got all fussy and chugged 3 cups of coffee in preparation for a  battle royale of the blogosphere.  Then I realized the national media personality was Ric Bucher.  And that he was ripping the city of Sacramento (instead of the obvious targets, the Maloofs).  Bummer.  I like Ric Bucher.

I’m not posting what he said in its entirety because it’s lumbering and long and pompous and by the time you finish reading it you’ll just wanna stop reading the internet today.  That’s no good.  Bottom line: he’s being critical of the city because the arena is too old and says that Sacramento is making a mistake in holding the team hostage.  Basically everything he says is deeply flawed or outright wrong, as outlined by SacTown Royalty.

Let’s just focus on one line from Ric Bucher’s little rant though: “Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson made the same mistake the Orlando Magic made with Dwight Howard: if someone doesn’t want to stay, don’t keep them hostage.”

That’s where you’re wrong chump.  For starters, it’s not the same thing.  D12 is one player (a franchise player, but whatevs, still one player) and could leave the team when his contract was up.  Comparing an entire NBA franchise (especially when it’s the only professional sports team in the town) to Dwight Howard is at best, pushing it; at worst, the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard from a professional reporter. 

Secondly, there’s a difference between “holding someone hostage” and “using leverage”.  The Maloofs are world class dipshits.  Look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZow0Enq1vU

That happened.  Every time I think of the Maloofs, I think of that commercial and you should too.  It perfectly outlines two things: 1). How out of touch with reality they are, and 2). They might not be the savviest of businessmen.  In line with point two, they leveraged themselves like crazy sons of bitches, including with the Kings.  In a weird way, that’s why Sacramento has leverage.  The Maloofs owe the city money.  To get out of Sacramento they need to go find a buyer desperate/dumb enough to pay off all of their debt and give them the financial upside of owning an arena (that they won’t pay for). 

There’s a difference between holding someone hostage and saying “I like our little business arrangement just the way it is.  But if you don’t, that’s cool.  Go scrounge up those millions of dollars you owe me and navigate through all of that red tape you need to get through in order to break our agreement.  But I’m not gonna help you, because I like things just the way they are.  And I’m not gonna let you leave without paying me my mufuckin money.”

That’s just the biz side of things dude.  Sacremento is just daring the Maloofs to use the leverage the claim to have but don’t.  Very few people will pay a premium on a sinking ship.  If somebody does, good on ya.  Good luck with that.

I still like Ric Bucher though.  We just don’t agree on this.  But Bucher, here’s an open invitation to settle this once and for all, in the most rational way possible.  Over a Carl’s Jr. hamburger and a $6,000 bottle of French Bordeaux (your treat).

Podcast – Ballin’ with Bozos: Episode 3

Brian and Gavin regroup after the Thanksgiving holiday to yap about Andrew Bogut’s microfracture surgery, the upside of the Blazers losing to the lowly Washington Wizards, Brian goes back to the future and plays Warriors GM for the past 3 years, Gavin sips haterade and bashes on Oklahoma City’s home crowd for no good reason, Joey Crawford actin a foo’, & more.

http://soundcloud.com/ballin-with-bozos/ballin-with-bozos-episode-3

Jason Loves Brandon: A Thanksgiving Article

Hold the phone bozos…

After a bold proclamation that I wouldn’t talk about BRoy for a few days, my boy Jason Quick just did a sentimental piece about “Brandon” (first name basis with Brandon always and forever, obvi) taking an in-depth look into his mindset during his comeback. Couple of things:

1. Is it weird that a Portland beat reporter was the first to get the scoop about BRoy’s latest knee surgery and the in-depth interview about his comeback rather than, ya know, a Minnesota beat reporter?

2. Considering the nature of Quick’s article (and the timing of it…releasing it on Thanksgiving), it kinda feels like Mr. Roy is very close to calling it quits and is trying to reach out to Blazer fans before doing so. If you wanna reach out to Blazer fans, there’s no better way than going through JQuick and being a super nice guy. JQuick eats up super nice guys.

3. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll break my promise and chat BRoy things on the next “Ballin’ with Bozos” podcast. That shit will drop after Thanksgiving. Endo and I are making a vow to schedule more time for shitfaced discussion of all things basketball. He hasn’t agreed to the “shitfaced” part, but I figure you’re really half-assing a podcast if you aren’t legally drunk, at least.

Happy Thanksgiving pals. Catch ya on the flipside.

Royce White, Twitter, and Not Talking About Brandon Roy

I told my attorney I was not talking about you today Brandon. So just get the effing heck outta my face with that legendary face and stupid blue jersey and heartbreaking news.

Over the weekend my attorney pointed out that on the last episode of the “Ballin’ with Bozos” podcast, I seemed a bit obsessed/upset with Brandon Roy’s attempted comeback with the Minnesota Timberwolves.  I proved him wrong and acted the part of a totally mellow smooth operator by saying, “Nah, no big deal,” while biting my tongue and holding back the same ol’ diatribe I’ve unleashed on about 1,000 people.  It was then that I vowed NOT to mention Brandon Roy on the next episode of Ballin’ with Bozos (recording tonight or tomorrow). 

Then news broke that he’s having another knee surgery, just a few games into the season.

But I’m staying true to my vow even on my first post of the week.  It’s just something I have to prove, okay?  I’ll post or drunkenly podcast about BRoy at a later date.

So what to do today…how’s about we talk about Royce White!

A recap of this guy’s story is rehashed on several sites that don’t share a name with a Goonie’s character, and they’re written by grownups that take their reporting jobs seriously rather than a mildly employed blogger that spent his afternoon watching the original Red Dawn in preparation for the Thanksgiving release of version 2012. 

You: “Hey, what are you up to this afternoon?”
Me: “Oh you know. Takin’ care of business.”

So I’ll spare you the background.  Plus, my opinion on the matter means dick because I don’t know the guy and I’m not exactly qualified to pontificate on anxiety disorders.

The problem right now is that Royce is in a big ol’ tiff with Houston management, and for right now it’s looking like it won’t end well.  But because he’s not speaking to anyone publicly (he’s just blasting off on the Twitters) the media is all “WTF?” and guessing what to write next and sometimes they can’t think of anything to write at all.  So then they do stuff like post a “story” entitled “Nasty Tweets Royce White is Receiving“.

It’s the new craze taking the interwebs by storm.  If there’s nothing to report that hasn’t been reported already, just log on to Twitter, search for key words/names and screen grab a bunch of nonsense from bozos that are taking their frustrations to their smart phones and actin like tough guys from the safe haven of a bathroom stall.  Tweeting tough guy things to athletes/celebrities behind a computer screen is annoying – something only a fat pathetic loser would do after drinking too many mudslides and looking himself in the mirror and wondering “where in the hell am I going in life?” and then taking to Twitter to unleash some pent up insecurities (disguised as fury in the form of the wrath of a thousand suns).

Wait…correction: tweeting angrily at people is for wheelers and dealers & cool guys who ooze with opportunity and success.  Extra cool points for doing it in ALL CAPS.

As for Royce, I’m rootin’ for the guy.  As a casual observer I’m not gonna demonize him, but I’m not doing that to the Rockets management either.  On Twitter, Royce is basically painting these guys as dictators…but for some perspective, he should look back to draft day and remember what he felt when he was slipping out of the first round.  If he can’t remember, no biggie.  I gotcha pal.

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