Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Archive for the category “Sports!”

KISS THE RING: Phil Jackson’s Subtle Request Goes Awry

As a fan of an inherently dysfunctional franchise, watching a “power team” such as the Lakers sink to this batshit crazy level is a hater’s jubilation.  Part of me wants to grab a microphone, direct my attention towards these wacked out wannabe socialites that call themselves Laker fans, and do rap battle-ish things ala Shaq asking Kobe this question over and over and over again.  But then I remembered that I’m still a Blazer fan and that the Lakers still have a superteam and no matter how dysfunctional they seem, they still are the odds on favorite to reach the NBA Finals.  So rap battle-ish things will have to wait for another time. 

But wading through all this brouhaha from the weekend we know three things:

1). Coaching option #1 was Phil Jackson, and he was “asking for the moon” in order to come back to coach.
2). The Lakers quickly reversed course and hired Mike D’Antoni.
3). Phil Jackson was stunned by the news.

The minute Phil Jackson’s name came up as a replacement for poor ol’ Mike Brown, this was all about one thing: Phil Jackson – that enlightened prick  – in his smug brilliance was going to make Jimmy Buss  kiss his pinky ring.  It was just a matter of to what extent Phil would do this.  Apparently he pushed the envelope. 

Given that Jackson is “stunned” by the news of D’Antoni’s hiring, I’m assuming that the Lakers brass didn’t consider making a counteroffer to Jackson’s demands.  That would seem to be standard procedure in these types of negotiations but I can’t exactly blame Jimbo Buss for having a short fuse.  I like to think that those two have a similar relationship to John Cusack and Tim Robbins in High Fidelity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68epYBCtFWI

If I’m halfway correct in this assessment, imagine Jimmy Buss’ reaction when he met with Phil and his list of demands had one undertone: “Kiss the ring, Jimmy”.  As my father-in-law pointed out as well, Phil is “boinking” Jimmy’s sister.  That probably didn’t help soothe any egos with the undertone.

Anyhoo, the hiring of Mike D’Antoni…it should be very intriguing.  7 Seconds or less basketball like we’ve never seen it before: with the oldest starting lineup in the league, an aging point guard who’s out for 4 weeks with a broken leg, and no bench.  I say this smugly which basically means the Lakers will prove me wrong, win out the rest of the season on a 75-0 streak and Lakers fans will be asking me this over and over and over again.

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2012-2013 Trail Blazers Opening Night Activity: Trade Trees, The Sun Shining on a Dog’s Ass, and How CP3 turned into Damian Lillard

Happy Halloween chumps. Let’s make this quick.

I’ve got big plans for the evening that involves eating all the leftover Halloween candy we got for the trick or treaters (that is to say, “all” of the Halloween candy), drinking moderately*, and yelling at my TV as I watch my Blazers take on the Lakers and their devastating Princeton offense. Tonight’s game isn’t the purpose for this post, but just for funsies, I’ll do a one word preview of how I think the Blazers will do: “Notgood”. (Post-game notes included at the end of the post)

Se la vie. I’ll watch anyways.

But no, bozos, this is not a post about tonight’s game. It’s a spinoff of this tweet from Ben Golliver of Blazersedge.com, after the Blazers announced they were not picking up the options on young guns Luke Babbitt, Nolan Smith, and Elliot Williams:

Welp. Clearly that’s the sign of a solid young program making sound draft decisions and reloading rather than rebuilding.

But just because every player drafted between 2007 and now is close to being gone, it’s worth noting that as a whole, the NBA is a very irrational marketplace. So much so that even dumbass decisions can somehow go through convoluted bullshittery and somehow be the bestnewsever(!) for a future generation.

For example: when the Blazers acquired the #6 overall pick this past draft from the Nets, I went batshit crazy, and did the whitest of all whiteboy happy dances. With that pick the Blazers selected Damian Lillard, and I haven’t shut up about him since.

On the other end of the spectrum…in 2005, the Blazers made a brilliant maneuver when they were awarded the #3 overall pick (aka, the rights to either Chris Paul or Deron Williams). They traded it. Obvi. But check my trade tree and see what happens. (Note: red boxes signify a player that is currently on the roster.)

Yes, I could’ve written this out. But that would be boring for everyone and Microsoft Paint diagrams are basically the best thing ever. BTW, who’s that stud muffin with too much time on his hands??? THIS GUY.

I always liked to joke that the Blazers traded the rights to CP3 for Martell Webster, who was later traded for Luke Babbitt. So basically…CP3 = Luke Babbitt (#math). But I was ignoring the other two parts of the trade tree, until I actually thought it through. This year the Blazers have Luke Babbitt, Joel Freeland and – thanks to a long chain of events – Damian Lillard due to that trade. (Editors note: forgot to include this tidbit – the Blazers gave up a 2013 1st rounder, that is top 12 protected. Meaning, if the Blazers overachieve and make the Playoffs, they don’t get a 1st rounder. Just a big FYI for all of ya’s.)

Now look here: I’m not saying that the 2005 trade was good or smart. It was astoundingly stupid, and it remains classified as so. It’s just weird that my 2012 whitest of whiteboy happy dances and my 2005 screamfest of “what the hell are you doing???” are distantly related.

What does this mean? Who the fuck knows. Probably that this here author spends wayyyyy too much brain power thinking about all things Blazers, past and present. But mostly, the big takeaway should be this: the sun shines on every dog’s ass once in awhile. And considering this phrase can appropriately be used to describe the past managerial decisions of my favorite sports team, I find this news to be quite satisfactory.

(More Editor’s notes: Lillard proved why I did my whiteboy happy dance when we got him. My one word preview at the beginning of the post proved to be dead wrong. I’ve never been so thrilled to be wrong in my life. This feeling may not last, but I’m enjoyingthefuckinghell out of it for now.)

Harbaugh’s Mug: ESPN Casually Bringing Up Past Grudges

Do you recognize this man?

When I’m in Los Angeles, I have this totally badass Monday evening routine.  I won’t go into details, but it involves folding laundry, drinking some Pinot Gris (as I do), and watching Monday Night Football all at the same time.  That routine is as good as I’ll ever be at multi-tasking. 

Last night during the 49ers shellacking of the Cardinals, the good ol’ MNF crew showed some team statistics for the 49ers since Jim Harbaugh took over as coach.  The picture they used for Harbaugh is above.  Recognize where the photo is from?

“Now listen here, Schwartz: Gobble, gobble-turkey by jive turkey gobblers.”

Boom!  ESPN is bringing back the memory of one of the greatest coach fights ever!

It’s a little weird that the network would choose to use a picture from a mid-field slapfight between coaches, but I’m totes on board for doing more action shots rather than some boring team headshot.  And some Harbaugh action shots are just a wee-bit too intense

So are we cool with the selection of this picture, even though both coaches probably want to just move on and forget about it already? 

The verdict: yes…with conditions.

Remember, we must capture the Harbaugh intensity, but we mustn’t upset an ESPN audience with vulgarity!  The chosen picture walks that fine line perfectly.  It’s not so much of a “Hey!  Fuck you!” picture, but more of an “Easy does it little guy.  You keep shouting like that you’ll catch a head cold.  Tell your mother I said you’re welcome.”

That said, we must consider that there is a chance that Mr. Harbaugh would prefer another photo, just to end talk of the Harbaugh/Schwartz confrontation once and for all.  So to be fair, if we’re gonna be using action shots from slapfights, we need to be fair in how they are used. 

There.  Now everything is even.

NFL Prepping: MoJo’s Last Stand, Jeff Ireland’s Guide To Dumping Someone, Getting Beaten In Fantasy Football By Girls & Making Vegans Fussy

Introducing the single greatest NFL mind West of the Willamette River, South of Burnside Street, between the ages of 28 and 30, who is legally unemployed.

When I started this here blog the intent was to spit out the ranting thoughts of a dumbass with borderline ADHD and keep the word count to a minimum.  I can’t focus on a blog/column for more than 750 words, so why should I expect anyone else to.  Somewhere along the line this turned into an absolute clusterfuck.  We’re goin’ back to the drawing board, amigos.  Let’s keep this one tight.  The irony, of course, is I just wasted 93 words apologizing before even starting my first NFL post of the season. 

Neat.

Thought #1: MoJo’s Last Stand

I still call Maurice Jones Drew “MoJo” because it’s more fun to say than MJD.  He’s holding out and in a bit of a tiff with the Jags over a new contract (obvi).  The aforementioned tiff escalated significantly after the Jaguars new owner, Shahid Khan, made some comment along the lines of “The train’s leaving.  Get on or get off.”  Because that’s totes the thing to say to the media about a team captain that’s carried your team for several years.  Whenever I think of NFL owners I imagine them being some incarnation of Jerry Jones.  Especially when they say tough guy things about trains leaving.  When I first heard the quote, I shrugged it off as a rich wannabe tough guy being a bozo.  Then I saw what Khan actually looked like.  Now I just find it all kinds of awesome.  This is the exact kinda guy I wanna challenge to a friendly battle of wits.  My preferred topic: Trickle-down Economic Theory in the United States.  Your move Khan.  Accept or decline!

Regarding our upcoming battle of wits, Chunk’s Revenge only partakes in such chicanery while shitfaced drunk or buzzing on bath salts. Ye haveth been warned.

Thought #2: “The Lost Art of Breaking Up Like a Fucking Bozo”, by Jeff Ireland

The Miami Dolphins are featured in this season’s Hard Knocks, and last Tuesday we were treated to the mastery of GM Jeff Ireland when crushing a player with the news he had just been traded.  The abbreviated version of his conversation with cornerback Vontae Davis:
Ireland: You’ve been traded to Indianapolis.
Davis: Oh.  I need to call my grandma.
Ireland: No.  Let me tell you why.
Davis: Okay.
Ireland: You’ve been too up and down.  That doesn’t work for us.
Davis: Oh…who’d you trade me for?
Ireland: Couple of draft picks.  (Davis stares at him, shocked.)  Yep.  Couple of draft picks.
Davis: Okay.  (Gets up to leave ASAP)
Ireland: Wait! Stop.  I seriously think you’re  a nice guy.
Davis: Okay.  Thanks. 
Ireland (who gets out of his chair to stop Davis again): Wait!  Stop.  It’s just that you’re soooo inconsistent.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs.  I think this is best for everyone.

Basically, Ireland broke up with him three times in two minutes.  It was the most inefficient/offensive breakup ever.  For his wife’s sake, I hope he never asks for a divorce.  He’ll talk about how she’s a great person while detailing her shortcomings and won’t let her leave the room in an attempt to make her understand his decision, all while piling on more.

“I’m leaving you. Why? You’re a good person and all, but you’ve really fallen short in too many areas to list. Who am I leaving you for? I have a couple of good leads on eHarmony.com. Yep. A couple of good leads on eHarmony.com”

Thought #3: Offensive Player of the Year – LeSean McCoy

A couple of years back I invited my wife to join my newly formed Fantasy league in the hopes that she’d learn that it’s crazily addictive, and she’d stop asking why I was so involved in every game from Thursday through Monday.  The good news, it worked.  The bad news, I created a monster and three years later she walks into each draft party with the kind of swagger that hasn’t been seen since the 1986-1987 Miami Hurricanes showed up for the Fiesta Bowl.  Making matters worse: she has a tendency to beat me, and always makes a better pick than me in the first round.  She got LeSean McCoy this year, which pretty much means he’ll dominate this season. 

Wife drafts LeSean McCoy = He’ll have a great season = Emasculating Fantasy Football season for Chunk’s Revenge. #Science

Thought #4: Ben Tate will be a Top 5 RB this year, and best Arian Foster in every relevant statistic

Look – I know Arian Foster’s good and he seems like an interesting guy.  My issue is he became a vegan in the offseason.  Now, I was born and raised in Portland and therefore grew up appreciating the vegan lifestyle.  If you’re a vegan, then kudos to you.  Problem is, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my prized #1 running back made such a decision.  Being vegan is just dandy.  It’s just not ideal for a guy getting pummeled by 300 pound men while he carries the rock 25 times a game.  He’s already injury prone and his new lifestyle isn’t gonna help in terms of on-the-field production. 

The vegans may judge me.  But seriously guys, screw you.  Quit being so judgmental.

Vegans: I was honest to God TRYING to find a pic that would poke fun at my whole “judgmental” claim…maybe show some hot babes shunning me for my criticism. Instead I stumbled across this. Seriously. WTF.

College Football Previewing: Penance to TV Karma Lords, Fussily Justifying My Oregon Duck Fandom, and Barfing on Michigan

As penance for past wrong-doings, please accept this picture, television karma lords.

Prologue:
Karma bit me in the ass in a bad way yesterday morning, amigos. After posting about Breaking Bad (in a post during which I went to great lengths to avoid spoilers, and went so far as to tell readers to stop when I felt that the slightest bit of spoilery would be touched upon) some bozo clown Facebook friend of mine gave away the ending of the last episode. I couldn’t watch it live two nights ago, so I DVR’d it and came home to watch it during my lunch break yesterday…but the ending was already given away. I don’t think I deserved the spoiler. But after taking a good four hours to cool my head I recognized that I violated the first line of the post: “Talking about Breaking Bad in public is a big fucking no-no.” I suppose that even without spoilers included in the write up, I kinda had that coming. Karma told me so yesterday morning. So from now on, no Breaking Bad talk. I’m sorry Karma! I won’t do it again!

Chunk’s Revenge longs for the day in which it lived in perfect karmic harmony with spoiler free television.

Now I’ll just stick to what I do best, writing about standard bozo things. Shall we?

Today’s post:
Oh hey there pals. Say, I have some great news for ya’s! Football season is just around the corner. Football and Basketball are 1A and 1B on my fave sports to watch, in no particular order. It just kinda depends on the time of year. The NFL officially starts next week. But first…college ball.

As a diehard Oregon Ducks fan, this time of year presents a particularly obnoxious thematic issue I’ve been subjected to over the past few years. It can most easily be relayed through a joke my pal Steve, born and raised an Oregon State Beavers fan and OSU alum, told me yesterday. It goes as so:

Beaver fan: “Who’s your favorite team?”
Duck fan: “The Ducks!”
Beaver fan: “Where’d you go to school?”
Duck fan: “A small liberal arts school in California.”

This grinds my gears because of the obvious. I went to a small liberal arts school in California. So since the rise of Oregon’s program, I spend a fair amount of time every year justifying why I should be considered a legitimate fan. Suddenly, it occurred to me. I don’t need to answer to these clowns. I was born into a family of Ducks, and I’m that black sheep bastard of the family that did not graduate from the University of Oregon – the only member of my immediate family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) with that designation. If you grow up a fan of a particular team, my feeling is you don’t just stop being a fan because you went to school somewhere else. Just because I’ve lived my entire adult life in Los Angeles doesn’t mean I need to give up on being a Trail Blazers fan and switch allegiances to the Lakers or Clippers.

Starting this conversation will surely result in me getting some unfounded ribbing from my friends that like to get me all riled up. But I’m not biting bozos! Not anymore!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEMHtoWGLW0

That said, I realize how much fun it is to make fun of bandwagon fans, so I figured out an easy way to figure out who’s for real and who’s just in it for the fast paced offense and colorful jerseys of today.

Here’s the lone question to determine whether or not a supposed Duck fan is a lifelong fan: “Do you know who Kenny Wheaton is?”

Any self respecting Duck fan will not only answer “yes”. They’ll tell you who he is, why you’re asking the question and what he did. If they can’t answer, they’re a bandwagoner. Or maybe a casual fan. Sorry for leaving you high and dry, casual fans. You’re on your own in justifying your fandom though.

If you still can’t place who Kenny Wheaton is after looking at this pic, then you were probably a USC fan in the early-mid 2000’s…you big bozo bandwagoner.

As for other football hijinks, let’s break down the coming season. We’ll stick to the college game today. Pro stuff will be posted later this week (maybe).

Thought #1: LSU and/or Alabama will play in the National Championship Game

Nick Saban: “Hello, fartface.”
Les Miles: “I’m NOT a fartface! “YOU are the fartface!”
Chunk’s Revenge: “Boys, boys! Take it easy. You’re both fartfaces.”

Fans of schools in the SEC root for their preferred teams first, the rest of the SEC teams are a close second. For the shitty teams in the league, I liken this to a towel boy taunting everyone else in the world when “his team” goes onto great things. This is annoying. Also, I can’t stand Les Miles and Nick Saban. I can’t adequately relay this point enough…and yet I don’t care to go into specifics because I’m not sure I have any. They’re just douchebags, okay? All of this adds up to one thing: an SEC team will play in, and probably win, another National Championship. As a fan, I hate to admit this, but it’s true. If you wanna win big on the gambling circuit, find the teams I root for and bet against them. “Shorting” those squads will surely pay dividends. Another certainty? Find the teams I can’t stand and bet in favor of them. The Sports Karma Lords of the universe seem hell-bent on taunting me (see: The Miami Heat, the recent success of Boston franchises, and every SEC championship over the last 10 years).

Thought #2: I will be a sad and bitter man on November 3rd

Oregon plays at USC on this day. I’m not anticipating good things, for yours truly. Some may view this as some sort of half-baked “reverse-jinx” or something, but really it’s not. Wanna know why? The reason is two-fold: 1). I can’t stand USC. 2). My wife and her family are all diehard Trojan fans. If the Ducks lose, not only will I be upset over the loss against a rival, but also I’ll be subjected to ridicule from most everyone I know in Southern California. Plus, any so-called “reverse-jinx” is negated by the karma that insists on punching me in the face, as outlined in Thought #1. At best, the jinxing/karma Lords are even, and I’m still not liking the odds.

Even in a loss, I’ll look for a consolation prize in order to fend off the taunting of Trojan fans. Here it is: UO cheerleaders >; USC cheerleaders. (Note: will Chunk’s Revenge actually be so petty as to resort to discussing cheer squads? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.)

Thought #3: Michigan and “Shoelace” Robinson…ha!

My pal Endo pointed this out. Many talking heads are yapping incessantly about Michigan making some noise this season, led by their star QB Denard “Shoelace” Robinson. For starters, no. Secondly, they aren’t even the best team in the Big Ten. Thirdly, as Endo pointed out, everyone is conveniently glossing over the fact that they play Alabama in their season opener. If I were to pick the lesser of two evils, I’d want Alabama to lose. But that’s just not gonna happen. If it were to miraculously happen then there would still be an SEC school looming as a favored National Champion, and even more clamoring about Michigan’s return to glory. Everybody still loses.

If you haven’t noticed, I sincerely hope that I’m incorrect in all three of my predictions. But if I’m being honest, as of right now, that’s what I’m prepping for. I like to live by the credo of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Problem is, nobody should be a full out “hater”. And since I am, I’m more often than not punished for my hateration.

That said, football – especially college football – is a tricky thing to predict. So there’s only one sure thing as the season approaches: expect the return of my live-drunk-blogging concept from the NBA Playoffs. That’s the only method I can think of that will keep my sanity in check, because I’m a grown man, and that’s what grown men do.

Final Olympic Thoughts: Ryan Lochte Cramping My Style, a Mea Culpa to Marta Menegatti, Pervy Cameramen, & a Microsoft Paint Picture

Look here, bozos. I know the Olympics have been over for a few days, so talking more about Olympic things is just downright NONSENSE and I should just move on and not do any more posts on the matter. But I was out of town (“off the grid” so to speak) for the conclusion of the Olympics, and then spent the past three days slowly de-bloating and sobering up from a raucous time deep in the Arizona desert. So tending to this blog just wasn’t gonna happen. I can’t blog when I’m hungover and feel fat. As a grown ass man I shouldn’t tell you these things, but Chunk’s Revenge is all about KEEPIN IT REAL, so there will be no apologies. I just don’t like writing when I feel fat, okay?

Did our valiant blogger just use premenstrual-like symptoms to justify his ignoring the blog for a week and a half? #Fosho.

That said, I won’t make this long. The Olympics are over and the shorter I make this, the sooner we can move on with our lives. Here are 3 random thoughts from the 2012 Games:

1). Ryan Lochte’s cramping my style

Ryan Lochte went from “so hot right now”, to officially unseating Michael Phelps as the greatest swimmer alive, to being exposed for being a bit of a douchebag, to “disappointing” everyone with “just” 5 medals (and only 2 golds…he’s no Phelps…pfft!), to being exposed as a more than just a douchebag, but more of a frat boy dumbass. Look: the guy is an Olympian, and a very good one to boot. But here are my thoughts:

a). In the douchebag article I linked to above (an absolute must read if you haven’t already), it was brought to my attention that Lochte has a catchphrase. What it is: “Jeah!”

Dude… I say “jeah”. When I found this out, and discovered that saying it was tainted forever, I felt like Milhouse when some goon from Shelbyville stole the word “radical”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXSUKNCNCMo

b). I’m not going to pretend to know all that much about Ryan Lochte, and I’m not a total fanboy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High or anything, but you cannot tell me that Ryan Lochte doesn’t remind you of Spicoli. Like if Spicoli had a little brother that was blessed as a great swimmer, trained hard, wasn’t quite so obvious about being a pothead, and was constantly being coached about how to interact with the media. Listen to Ryan Lochte. He’s fucking Spicoli. Mind you, this isn’t an insult. I actually kinda like him more now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dlyCTswYH0

2). A couple weeks back I posted a little write up of the babes of the Olympics, and did this cutesy little schtick in which I incorporated horrendously failed pickup lines from my college days. Why did I do it like that? Well, this blog is nothing if it isn’t completely all over the place and at times downright confusing. That’s just what I do. That said, by the time I waltzed on down that rabbit hole of using old pickup lines I got tired of doing it and didn’t much care to continue my search for total babe athletes. During a beach volleyball match, I realized I completely wiffed on arguably the hottest babe of the Olympics. Italian beach volleyballer, Marta Menegatti.

Photo courtesy of the Facebook page Olympic Hunting (www.facebook.com/OlympicHunting). This Facebook page gets a Chunk’s Revenge stamp of approval. Link posted below.

http://www.facebook.com/OlympicHunting

Let me just say this on her exclusion from my original list: I’M SORRY. I would go into a long winded justification but it would just take too long. Believe me, I just deleted like 1,000 words of apologies to Marta…and to you too, gentle reader, for failing you. Just trust me on this. I haven’t apologized so profusely since I lost my virginity.

3). Shall we jam a few basketball thoughts into one bullet point? You bet!

– Great showing in the tournament by Nic Batum after signing a $46,000,000 contract with the Blazers. We got the typical Batum (flashes of brilliance then disappearing for quarters at a time) and the new RICH MAN Batum (not playing great, not leaving an impact when it mattered most, punching a competitor in the nuts when the game was out of reach, then somehow trying to justify it post-game because the Spaniards were basically being punks, while ignoring the fact that he was the biggest punk of all…and a loser to boot). Nic: I know it’s your home country and all, but quit acting so FRENCH.

– LeBron James. Just…Jesus Christ. I’m sorry for ever doubting you.

;

“It’s all good Chunk’s Revenge. Your past criticism was probably the result of your own failures manifesting itself through critiques of the absurdly talented and wealthy.”

;

– Kudos to the cameramen during the games for zooming up on babes in the crowd. In the zoom ups, you either got a shot of a babe or a total bozo. Both good things. They really upped the ante during the Lithuania game when zooming up on babes. They found a young lady eating a banana, and kept the shot on her for an extended period while she chewed before cutting away when she didn’t take another bite. Good show fellas. You may act like that was an innocent act. But I know what you were doing.

I don’t really need a caption for this pic, because I already included it in the picture with Microsoft Paint. No big deal.

;

Until next time amigos, I’m out.

The Babes of the Olympics & Failed Drunken Pickup Lines From Yesteryear

When I was in college my buddies inadvertently created a system that gauged their interest in a young lady’s company, based on their tact in pursuit. It’s not so much a scoring system, per se, but moreso a combination of factors (the girl’s attractiveness, attainableness, approachableness, etc.) that would determine how they spit their game. To this day, they have no idea that there was a method to their madness, but there really was. If you took a step back and saw how they approached a gal, the level of their interest (or perhaps more appropriately, the chances they thought they had) was easily deciphered. Or maybe it could have been their level of intoxication. Either way. I gauged their interest on how they approached, and the amount of effort put forth in landing the little lady as a prospective girlfriend. (Was I involved in these shenanigans? Maybe. BUT I’M NOT TELLING!)

Now, with the Olympics going on, I’ve been subjected to watching some tape-delayed bullshit while I try to figure out when “events-of-interest” will be aired. The silver lining in this is that I have come across some athletes and/or events that I wouldn’t have watched had NBC actually had their shit together. For the sake of this post, we’ll be zeroing in on the athletes of interest, and more specifically, the total babes that are participating. We’ll also be deciding the appropriate failed pickup line/internal monologue (plagiarized from my crew during our college years) to use on them if they are ever encountered in public. Sound confusing enough? GOOD. Let’s get started:

Pickup Line #1: “Damn girl. You so fine that I’m gonna start a conversation with you by introducing you to my friend.”

Probably the worst way to pick up a girl. But the fact that our hero, in this case, engaged her in conversation was enough to determine that he was illogically hoping that somehow introducing her to his friend would be a good thing. Maybe end with him doing a victory lap around his twin sized bed. Works every time (note: it never works). Even still. There was some hope there in his drunken stupor…and the gal was hot enough to give that fruitless tact a go.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #1: LoLo Jones, Hurdler, USA

Because she’s intimidatingly hot enough that you might accidentally pawn her off on a friend. Unrelated side note: she’s a well-publicized V-card holder. Is this true? Does she say it for the endorsements? Is she one of those guilt ravaged religious folk that justifies her V-card to be intact on a technicality? Who knows.

Pickup Line #2: “Gawdam that babe is hot. I need to make an impression. Let’s skip the pleasantries of getting to know each other and I’ll floor her with my machismo by sneaking up on her and nibbling on her ear.”

Yep. This happened. I’m sure it made sense at the time. Jagermeister will make a man do curious things.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #2: Jaque, Volleyball, Brazil

Because…look at her. Look at this picture and tell me you wouldn’t sneak up on this babe and give her ear a nibble even though she has no idea who you are. You wouldn’t? Well, me neither. But somehow I had to squeeze a publication of this nibble maneuver into the post. But for reals. I watched an entire womens volleyball match because of Jaque, and vivaciously rooted for a Brazilian victory. Even though they were playing the USA.

Pickup Line #3: “Hey gurl. You all kindsa fine. What say you to going back to the common area of my dorm room. I’ll throw on the Nelly album, play the song Dilemma on repeat for 56 straight minutes, and tell you about my hopes and dreams.”

On paper, this should totes work. Especially when the smooth Casanova in question is shitfaced drunk. How could that not work?

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #3: Leryn Franco, Javelin, Paraguay

Because she seems like a wholesome type of babe who is able to put up with the chicanery of a doofus. And if nothing else, she throws javelin as a profession, so she could pierce the CD player with a flying object once Nelly’s Dilemma started on the 57th minute and/or dole out an appropriate beatdown of the aforementioned smooth Casanova.

Pickup Line #4: “I like you. Why don’t you come back to my place. No, no. Not like that. But we’re throwing an after party and having a beer pong tournament.”

The brilliance/idiocy in this maneuver was that there never was a beer pong tournament or an after party. This line always occurred at like 2:30AM, and everyone was passed out. But in the mind of the drunken college boy, getting a girl back to the pad was half the battle. Upon the realization that there was no after party and no beer pong tournament, drunken college boy would just say, “Well schucks. I guess the party is over. Soooo…since you’re already here…”

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #4: Marlen Esparza, Boxing, USA

Because a punch to the face was always the end result when using this pickup line.

Pickup Line #5: “I had a great time freak dancing with you tonight. Hows about we go out sometime? Say, Saturday? You’re busy? Okay, what about next week? Fine, next month. I’m free all next month.”

How this girl chose to freak dance with this yuppie will forever be a mystery. But it happened and it was fucking awesome. Even if she didn’t express immediate interest in rekindling the fire experienced on the muggy dance floor of a frat house party, he just had to try and lock that down. “Shame” isn’t much a deterrent when the upside is so high. There was little to no chance it would happen. But the only thought going through our hero’s mind was…but what if?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX5jNnDMfxA

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #5: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5DouXRv0k&feature=related

Because the way that gal dances, it would be enough for any red-blooded man to throw caution to the wind and show a willingness to make a complete ass of himself (even if there wasn’t a chance in hell that he could pull it off).

Pickup Line #6: “I think we have something going on here. Can I take you out to a classy dinner on the bay on Tuesday night? Why Tuesday, you ask? It just seems like a good night for a date.”

Tuesday night was usually a two-for-one dinner special at a classy joint on the bay where we went to college. The ladies didn’t seem to know this, so it was essential that our hero, the drunken college boy, adequately faked his shock upon hearing (for the first time…wink wink) that he got a cheap dinner. This was the kind of girl that seemed cool, fun, and quite hot. But still. There was a justification to do a “feel it out” date (in case she wasn’t that interested) in the form of a two-for-one special.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #6: Caroline Wozniacki, Tennis, Denmark

Because I don’t know where else to put her.

Pickup Line #7: “You’re so great I’m gonna find a Zagat rated restaurant with the most STARS for a single “$”

Come on. We were in college for goodness sakes. Just because our hero in this case was being frugal shouldn’t take away from the fact that he was trying to take a date out for a nice dinner at a Zagat rated restaurant. If he had a full time job, I’m sure he would have gone for a restaurant with TWO “$$”.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #7: Alex Morgan, Soccer, USA

Because you just take Alex Morgan to a Zagat rated dinner, dammit. That’s just how things are done.

Pickup Line #8: “For reals. I fuckin love you, okay??”

Pretty self explanatory right there.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #8: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

Because I honestly feel that this video should be posted twice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5DouXRv0k&feature=related

NBA Free Agency: A Whole New World (in Which Absolutely Nothing Changes)

Even under a new collective bargaining agreement that allows General Managers to be frugal, they can’t help but make it rain when the opportunity presents itself.

I haven’t posted anything in over a week, and a certain bozo is gettin’ all up in my face about why that is (note: I talk to myself a lot).  Sorry amigos, but I’ve been partaking in some shenanigans.  Some hijinks.  Some Tom Foolery.  Considering the 4th of July fell on a Wednesday last week, it seemed like a good time to enjoy what would become the most ineffective work week of the modern era and head home to Southern California so I could hang with my better half.  Hence the idle blog.  Blogging, you see, is not an activity to be mutually enjoyed by spouses. 

So, with all that said, I kept a watchful eye on one thing throughout the week: tracking the goings on during the NBA Free Agency period.  Who’s going where?  Who’s doing what?  Who’s actin’ a foo’ and throwing caution to the wind?  Speaking in my best David Kahn voice: methinks it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty details and examine. 

Thought #1: I was chattin’ it up with my pal Endo and he made a comment that was very fitting to this whole Free Agency debacle of 2012.  Endo: “Welp.  Thank God we just had that Lockout.”  Indeed.  Less than a year removed from the fierce Lockout Battle of 2011 during which team owners bitched and moaned about how out of control players salaries had gotten, we have seen the following: $20 Million for Landry Fields, $30 Million for Jeremy Lin, $40 Million for Gerald Wallace, $45 Million for Nicolas Batum, and $58 Million for Roy Hibbert.  The rules of the new CBA were meant to avoid this very practice.  No dice.  There are no words to describe this.  Only acronyms can do the trick.  WTF NBA owners?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyFpOp8Ft0Q

Thought #2: In anticipation of the next Lockout (during which the same arguments will be made by the owners about “paying too much”) can’t we just consider that as long as there is restricted free agency bloated salaries will continue to exist?  As a beat reporter for the Minnesota Timberwolves pointed out in regards to Batum’s assumed offer sheet of $45 Million, “if you want a restricted free agent, you have to pay up (so the player’s current team won’t match)”.  Batum is about to get Luol Deng money.  Luol Deng, he is not.  What this will do: drive up the asking price of talented but unproven small forwards with upside.  Player’s agents gauge the price point of their clients based on recent comparables…it’s an appraisal process, if you will.  So by “overpaying” to ensure that a restricted free agents current team will not match…that sets a price point for the future.  The price point for the next Batum will be set at his new contract…and then the number will escalate with time.  As the housing market in Los Angeles can attest, this method of phantomly overpaying doesn’t always work out.  Instead, it can create a bubble, and that bubble will be the basis for the next Lockout.  Overpaying, it turns out, sets a new market value.  The cycle of overcommitting to role players is just starting over again. 

Thought #3: David Kahn should always have a job as a GM in the league (because everyone needs a laugh and/or punching bag).  Kahn is considered smug and condescending, constantly overvaluing his players even as he tries to dump them on any team within arm’s reach.  To make the Batum offer sheet a “win-win” for the Wolves and Blazers, he’s offered up a sign and trade scenario where the Blazers get the opportunity to recoup their presumed loss of Batum by acquiring Derrick Williams and Martell Webster.  Three problems here: 1). The Wolves don’t have the capspace to sign Batum and fellow free agent Brandon Roy.  So why would the Blazers help a division rival shed salary to get under the cap so they can successfully hijack a player of value? 2). Why would the Blazers settle for the players of Kahn’s choosing when they could just let Batum go and have boatloads of capspace to be used in future free agent signings and/or future trades?  3). Are we supposed to forget that the Blazers traded Webster to the Wolves, and that Kahn attempted to report the Blazers to the league after being so miffed at how the trade worked out for him?  That’s like two independent parties trading cars, one party trying to sue the other for malfeasance, losing, then turning around and trying to include what he once determined to be a “lemon” in a future trade.  This isn’t intended to be a knock on Webster, but you can’t bitch about a transaction involving Webster then try to act like it’s a cookie cutter slam dunk to include him in a future deal. 

I have no leverage nor much business savvy. But if I speak down on you enough, perhaps I can make you believe that I do.

Thought #4: NBATV should have a camera crew present at Landry Fields’ signing.  It was widely speculated that the driving force behind the $20 Million offer sheet was to cramp the capspace of the New York Knicks, who would need to include Fields in a sign and trade for Steve Nash.  Overpaying Fields meant the Knicks wouldn’t match, which meant they couldn’t get Nash, which would give Toronto a leg up in acquiring Nash’s services.  Didn’t exactly work out as planned (btw, Nash on the Lakers…BARF).  Also, a note to Toronto’s management: because of your failed shenanigans, the next Landry Fields-ish player will now be using his contract as a gauge to determine the contract he deserves.  So thanks for that.  

In the new world of NBA economics, we have found the ideal candidate for vacant general manager positions.

Thought #5: Just as I’m about to post this, it was announced that the Nets just signed Brook Lopez to a max contract.  I would shake my head at the thought, but all I’m really thinking is this: thank goodness it wasn’t the Blazers.

The NBA Draft: Trademarkability, Having a Better 19th Birthday Than Bradley Beal & The Conundrum Of Meyers Leonard

Welcome to Portland 2012 draftees! Trail Blazer fans are a rough and rugged lot but we tell it like it is.

So NBA Draft Day in Portland is kinda something.

Evidently, my pals from back in the day treat it like Christmas, throw a Draft Party called “Draftmas”, and all sorts of shit goes down.  Well, that’s how it historically went down.  Now everyone is all growns up, is married, has kids, all that stuff.  So what to expect of my first Draftmas was hard to figure out.  In the span of two days I was instructed to: 1). take a taxi to the destination (in anticipation of shit goin’ down), 2). Be cool due to it being a family event, 3). Told not to ride my bike because there would be a good chance I would be too drunk to ride home.  So…Christ.  What should I have done?  I ended up getting dropped off by my dad (like any rational, grownup man would do) and played it safe…perhaps a #Burnout hashtag is in order after that last sentence.

The attire was to be Blazers themed, but of the “one-up” variety.  Meaning, we had to try and pull off the most obscure, old school, or rare Blazers gear at the party.  I was led to believe that if I showed up with my Drexler jersey I would be ridiculed (as Drexler would be too obvious), so instead I rocked my disheveled 1990 Blazers Playoffs t-shirt, that has basically turned into a rag. But some patrons wore Spurs (George Gervin), Warriors (Earl Boykins), Cavs (World Be Free), Sixers (Daryl Dawkins), or Suns (“Thunder” Dan Majerle) jerseys.  They were just being awesomely original. 

Well goddammit.  If I knew that would be accepted I woulda rocked my Drazen Petrovic New Jersey Nets jersey…obvi.

Anyhoo, I tracked this draft with great anticipation, and took great pleasure in knowing that everyone in attendance was just as anxious as me.  In fact, my pal Mike damn near passed out five minutes before the draft because he was so nervous of “what could go wrong”.  This is the life of a Blazers fan.  It’s nice knowing that I’m not the only one.  So…I took notes from the draft, picks 1 through 11, went home, and wrote up a saucy diary of the goings on during the draft in real time. 

Shall we?

Hello Newark. Your team was relocated under my watch. You’re welcome.

Note #1: GREAT move to hold the NBA Draft in Newark, New Jersey.  So, to be clear, David Stern openly allowed for a team to be jacked from New Jersey in a long anticipated move to Brooklyn.  As a consolation, he holds an NBA Draft in their city so they can observe other teams/cities gaining new talent.  Not knocking the move or anything, but you don’t dump a girlfriend for another woman, then include her in a Facebook group about all the fun things your new GF and new friends are doing in extravagant places.  That’s just rude.  Anyhoo, David Stern’s reaction to the crowd’s boos?  He mocks them.  Of course.  Because he’s just that kinda guy. 

Note #2: When Stern speaks, he stumbles over honest to goodness comments, clumsily reading from his notes…like who will be making the first pick, or when he congratulates future players.  He’s totally at ease though when he’s being booed (like when he congratulated the Heat for winning the Championship).  The dude is a sadist.

Note #3: Well…shit.  ESPN is rolling a clip of #1 overall picks for “big men”.  Greg Oden will be mentioned in 3…2…1….

Note #4: Guys.  Make note.  You can never say “brow” or “unibrow” again.  Anthony Davis’ management team has trademarked everything about unibrows.  If you’re a proud unibrower, you have been cheated.  Write a letter to David Stern, he might help.  Or maybe he’ll send you a cellphone pic of his testes with the note: “Suck on deez nutz!”

Stern: “This whole ‘unibrow’ craze has really taken on a life of it’s own, huh?”
Davis: “You just said ‘unibrow’. You owe me $20.”

Note #5: It’s so obvious that Jay Bilas has made a New Year’s Resolution to NOT say “ability” at the end of every word.  I’ll help ya out Jay, for old times sake.  Davis has hat-wearingability.  Grow-fastability.  UnibrowTrademarkAbility.  Start adding “ability” at the end of words, Jay.  You’re messing up my drinking game.

Note #6: They just showed a pic of Michael Jordan with his babe.  He looked like hell in the Dream Team documentary.  But even still.  He’s locked down a TEN even after his playing years.  Jordan: 1.  World: 0.

Note #7: MKG just got picked second.  Sooooo…are we doing a weird new thing this year when we pick the best player available?

Note #8: Bradley Beal just got selected #3 overall on his 19th birthday.  On my 19th birthday, I got attacked by some dorm room pals who threw me into the LMU fountain (a birthday tradition) and ended the night getting shitfaced drunk on Coors Light and Charcoal Filtered Vodka.  Hey Bradley Beal…I WIN.

Note #9: Ha!  Dion Waiters at #4.  Not sure what to say.  Reach comes to mind.

Gotcha suckaz!!!

Note #10: Waiters just said he’s got a lot of trust in his agent.  As he should.  A 6’3” sixth man going fourth overall.

Note #11: Coach Calipari is mic’d up.  Thank God for that.

Note #12: Sacramento just picked the best story of the draft: Thomas Robinson.  As my buddy Mike pointed out – how’s he gonna react to playing with bozos like Tyreke Evans and Demarcus Cousins? 

Note #13: King’s management may have just screwed themselves.  If there’s one man’s man superhero (in the guise of a common man) out there that will force the Maloofs to keep the Kings in Sacramento…it’s Thomas Robinson.  He’s the closest thing to Batman I’ve seen since I looked in the mirror and lied to myself.

Note #14: Heather Cox is forcing an interview upon Robinson’s little sister.  Note to Heather Cox: Disneyland is not close to Sacramento.

Note #15: There’s this “holy shit!” moment going around at the draft party.  Everyone half-hoped that Drummond would be swooped up by the #5 pick so the Blazers brass wouldn’t have to think about it…they’d just take Lillard.  But now, we can choose between Drummond and Barnes.  The vibe around here is the same.  It goes as so: “Please…for the love of God…choose Lillard.  Call it a hunch.  Save this rant forever in case it backfires on me.  I don’t care.  Give me Lillard!”

Note #16: Reaction at the draft party when Damian Lillard was selected: cheers so loud that the little kids started to cry.  We seriously scared the piss outta them.  I broke down why I wanted Lillard way too much in my post with Endo’s Garage.  Although there were great picks available, this was the perfect pick for the Blazers…hopefully I’m not drinking any Kool Aid.

Lillard is an All Star!

Note #17: Text exchange with Endo after Barnes fell to the Warriors:
Me: “YUGE pickup for you guys”
Endo: “No.”
So…enough said.

As anticipated, this was Endo’s reaction to the Warriors pick.

Note #18: Terrence Ross just went to Toronto at #8.  As a Portland native, it is my obligation to say kudos to the young man, and wish him the greatest of success.  But…Christ meng.  A bit of a reach?  Maybe.  But this is good.  Is there a chance that Andre Drummond falls to #11?

Note #19: Dag nabbit you, Detroit.

Note #20: Austin Rivers goes to New Orleans at #10.  THANK GOD.  I did not want to be in a position in which we had to consider Rivers.  He may be a scorer, he may be a baller, he may have the genetics…but he strikes me as a guy that fancies himself a Kobe when he is really a Jerryd Bayless.

Note #21: A new pal of mine has just declared that he will leave if The Blazers choose Meyers Leonard at #11.  Reason being: he hates guys that have “two last names” and hates “stiff white guys”.  Our host counters the argument, and says, “I love stiff white guys, especially if they’re lefties”.  The booze is kicking in at the party, obvi.

Note #22: The Blazers select Meyers Leonard.  My new pal buries his face in his hands.  He disappears for several minutes, and we all believe he has left until we glance out the window and see that he is shooting layups by himself in the driveway, with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.  It’s a very “funeral” thing to do.  In fairness, this is the general reaction to Meyers Leonard being picked:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01vfavRV_aE

RECAP:

The “WTF” Award: Cleveland
Greaaaaaat job Cav’s Dan.  You could’ve traded down for Waiters, got more picks out of it, or maybe some cash.  But no. You reached very far for an undersized shooting guard that never started in college.  Kudos.  Also, you could’ve not traded for Tyler Zeller (and actually kept Jared Cunningham, Bernard James, and Jae Crowder) but no.  And you wonder why LeBron ditched you. 

The “GODDAMN!” Award(s): Houston, Boston, and Dallas
Seriously?  How did you do this?  Three highly respected teams with respectable/good records coming out winners with some very legit late picks?  It’s criminal.  You’re taking advantage homies.  Don’t do that.  Houston & Boston, you were savvy.  Dallas…you basically rufi’d Cleveland.  They’ll feel ashamed tomorrow.  How dare you.

Next day Note: I have officially convinced myself that the Meyers Leonard pick was excellent (a complete 180 from yesterday).  Between Lillard, Leonard, and Will Barton I kinda felt like doing this when I woke up. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfPg5LjGYz8

Discussing the NBA Draft with Endo: Internet Sensations Collide

“Whoops. I just queefed. It’ll be my dirty little secret.”

Oh hey amigos.

Not sure if you’ve caught onto this, but I’m a bit of a basketball fan.  As such, today marks an ever-important day in the NBA offseason: the NBA Draft.  For weeks, there have been countless Mock Drafts by very intelligent people (http://www.draftexpress.com is my fave) and a bunch of goddamned bozos that don’t know anything about the sport and/or how the draft operates (I won’t name names (Bleacher Report) because I’m bigger than that and don’t care to sully anyone’s reputations or knock them for jumping in on the Mock Draft fun). 

So, how did Chunk’s Revenge prep for the big day?  Simple.  I recruited an old pal that blogs over at http://endosgarage.blogspot.com and baited him into doing a week-long email back and forth about the draft, its prospects, and all the nonsense that goes along with it.  If he refused, I threatened to do very foul/angry things, like fart on his pillow.  Thankfully, he complied with my request.  The following is what transpired beginning last Thursday, while we emailed each other during non-working hours (read: drinking hours). 

As an aside: as a blog that prides itself on helping the working stiff procrastinator hone his craft by wasting valuable company time, this is my finest hour, as it’s the longest post to date for Chunk’s Revenge.  It’s still way shorter than a Bill Simmons column, though.  That man is my white whale. 

Last thing – if you’re looking for a legitimate Mock Draft: run.  This is not for you.  If you want to witness jaded Blazers/Warriors fans talking about GrownAssMan things, by all means, proceed. 

#1: Chunk’s Revenge – June 21st, 2012 at 12:56PM

I get to do a blog collaboration with Endo’s Garage…Joy!

Hello Endo.

I write this to you during yet another breathtaking summer day in Portland: a gentle breeze brushes through the cherry laurels and the hummingbirds float through the crystal blue sky, their wings aflutter.  Anyways, I’m writing this to tell you how fucking agitated this time of year makes me.  We’re exactly one week away from the NBA Draft.  I have too many thoughts about the Draft to come up with any coherent message, so I figured it was high time that we partnered up and took the interwebs by storm by doing a WordPress/BlogSpot collabo to discuss the hope and misery of being a Lottery team. 

Sound good?  Cool!  I’ll start.

The Portland media is definitely hyping up this Damian Lillard character, so much so that I might just cry if they lose out on him.  I’ve never been too keen on a scoring PG (I was once led to believe that Jerryd Bayless would be the Blazers point guard of the future…barf) but RussyRuss Westbrook is changing my tune.  Here’s the problem: some pundits believe that Lillard is not worthy of a #6 pick, but will definitely be gone by #11.  So…WTF?  If you like a guy don’t you just take him and stop worrying about the perceived “value” of the pick?  A year from now we’re all going to do the age-old “re-draft” thing and talk about who should’ve gone sooner.  So if a year from now you believe you have a solid contributor, who cares if people ridicule the decision now?

As for your Warriors, how excited are you to see Joe Lacob’s smug face on camera after they select Tyler Zeller at #7?

#2: Endo’s Garage

This is what Endo looks like. Except he has ginger skin and ginger hair.

Mr. Fancy Pants Gaveen,

Thank you for starting this thread. I’m relying on you and your internet fame to actually post this in a public forum. Not that I mind it being “just” an amazing gmail back and forth, but I feel the world needs to read our awesome words about the one subject we can actually claim to know something about. Or aboot.

Let me start by saying that I will focus solely on the NBA draft. I’m sure I’ll have many things to say about the actual, on the court, NBA action that happened tonight, but this is neither the time nor the place to discuss.

When it comes to thinking and evaluating players in the draft, I like to think of different tiers. The way I see it the 1st tier of prospect(s) is Anthony Davis. Cookie-cutter, slam dunk #1 pick. My 2nd tier includes Michael Kidd Gilchrist, Thomas Robinson, Bradley Beal, Thomas Drummond and Harrison Barnes. Let me elaborate on this for a second. In a vacuum, MKG and Thomas Robinson are the 2nd and 3rd best players available. However, MKG won’t make as big as an impact with Charlotte as Thomas Robinson will. Not a knock on MKG at all, but I think the Bobcats should take Robinson at 2. Beal, Drummond and Barnes I am not 100% sold on. I saw roughly 0 mins of Beal on the court this year, so I’m relying on all the scouting reports that claim he’s the next Ray Allen. Drummond is huge, therefore, you have to take him top 6. Barnes I’ve seen plenty. He is as talented as they come but seems to lack motivation.

Harrison Barnes’ official response to Endo’s Garage: “Whatevs, Endo. Motivation, shmotivation.”

Now, since your Blazers are drafting at #6, I don’t think they should hesitate to pull the trigger on any of these guys. Reports recently seem to imply that the top 4 will be Davis, Robinson, Beal and Barnes. Sacramento is a total wild card and I won’t even pretend to know what they’re thinking of doing at 5. But, in my scenario, if MKG or Drummond are there at 6, I think Portland has to draft one of them. MKG might not be the best “fit” in PDX, especially since I assume they’ll bring Batum back, but he’s WAY too good of a player to pass up at 6 if available. Drummond, who’s said to have a floor of Kwame Brown and a ceiling of Dwight Howard, is not even close to being ready to play fulltime 5 in the NBA. But he’s huge and can move, and with PDX already having LMA as the go to big man he won’t be relied upon to make an immediate impact.

My 3rd tier of players includes Lillard, Waiters from ‘Cuse, YOUR BOY Terrance Jones, and a few others. Now, Lillard seems like he passes the eyeball test, but I’d be very worried about drafting a guy who played in the Big Sky conference so early. That’s why I think your Blazers should stick to my top 6. As for my Warriors, barf. Seriously just barf.

Here’s my main concern with the Warriors draft position: as I’ve just outlined, there are 6 guys in the draft who I think are no brainers. If one of them fall to the W’s, they should draft him. The reason guys get drafted from 7-20 is because of certain issues. No doubt these are all talented players, but most players drafted in the 7-20 range don’t make it as solid NBA players, and for the most part this is because they are a bad fit for the team they play for. The Warriors are a bad fit for ANYONE.

Take Terrance Jones for example. To me he seems like the best available player, talent wise. But he’d be terrible on the W’s. This isn’t only because they are in love with David Lee and Jones wouldn’t get a chance to play his natural power forward position, but because Jones lacks natural motivation and leadership and needs someone constantly pressing him, and my W’s have NOBODY to provide that. So look around at the players projected to go 7-20 and name 1 would be a good fit for the W’s. All are either smallish shooting guards (the last thing the W’s need) or guys with motivational issues (and in case you forgot, Mark Jackson is still the head coach).

This was long winded for a first response, but you get where my mind is at. I’ve told you before that I HATE Tyler Zeller. But at #7, you’re getting a 7-footer (who may be less athletic than Biedrins) who at the very least has fundamentals (re: is white) and will be able to contribute immediately (“contribute immediately” is teams-that-shoot-for-the-8-seed-GM-speak).

I hope we take Waiters.

#3. Chunk’s Revenge

I suppose it’s justifiable that we acknowledge that the Miami Heat were crowned champions tonight.  I’m so unhappy aboot this that I may just pre-funk tonight by myself (all night long) in anticipation of a big shindig I am to attend tomorrow evening at RonToms.  RonToms is a spacious bar in Portland with an excellent beverage selection.  I’ll be judged for being “that guy”, if you catch my drift.  But that’ll be my own doing.  So it’s okay.

If MKG is available at #6 I will shake my mom like a degenerate hobo, screaming things like “CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS???” and make her watch me as I fire off 4 straight Jagerbombs (#ThatGuy).  I don’t care if MKG fits or not.  Last time I got into this whole “does he fit?” mess it was 2007, and…well…I don’t care to talk about that. 

I’m assuming he’ll be gone though, so the way I see it is there will be a choice between Drummond and Lillard at #6.  Here’s the thing: Drummond is a monster, and could become a force of nature.  But I’m skeptical these days of choosing a big man with question marks (care to guess why?).  As I see it, the biggest issue for the Blazers this past year was their lacking of a playmaker, a guy that would just take it to the rack when things got stagnant.  Lillard could be that guy, and I say that knowing absolutely nothing about him as of three weeks ago (note: I Googled him when I saw him in initial mock-drafts).  

As for him playing in the Big Sky…I kinda like that.  Outside of the Top 5, I’d rather have a hungry guy with a chip on his shoulder rather than a bozo that had an early growth spurt and got fluffed like “whoa” by the time he was 16 years old. 

I suppose my ideal scenario would be getting Drummond AND Lillard, but it sounds like Lillard won’t be there at #11.  My pal Mike came up with an ideal (possibly wishful thinking) scenario in which the Blazers traded the #11 pick, the #40, and the rights to Joel Freeland or Victor Claver (overseas talent…duh) to Toronto for the #8 pick.  So, Drummond would go #6, Lillard #8. 

Thoughts? 

I’ve been on record as saying that the Warriors are my 2nd fave franchise.  Maybe that has a lot to do with my besties being fans of theirs, but still.  Great fanbase, fun team to watch…all that shit.  Your boy Joe Lacob is throwing a big ol’ wrench into that though (I know I shouldn’t be talking, being a fan of a ruined franchise and all, but the Charlie Bell Expiring-4MillionDollarContract-Amnesty was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen).  You may hate me for saying this…but what’s so wrong with John Henson, Austin Rivers, Jared Sullinger or Perry Jones (trading down in some scenarios, of course)?

I agree on Terrence Jones.  The tough part for a guy like that is an ideal team for him is a place like Boston, where KG would ridicule him about everything.  Call him “chump” and things like that. 

If this was your mentor, would you: a). dance a happy dance, b). be internally giddy while making a tough face, or c). jump off a fucking cliff?

So here’s a fun question.  Have you heard of any possible trades for the #7 pick?  Would you take Waiters, if say, Evan Turner was available?  I ask because Chad Ford has tweeted that the Blazers could get Darren Collison, Evan Turner, Eric Bledsoe, or Paul Millsap for the #11 (tweets are considered legitimate resources, yes?). 

So, are there any rumors that would make you trade the pick, and do you think any of my proposed trades are viable?

#4: Endo’s Garage

Let me first address your fun trades for the #7 pick question. If I’m the W’s, and Kevin O’Connor, who undoubtedly is high on bath salts in this scenario, calls and offers Paul Millsap for the pick, I’m accepting and high stepping all the way to the bank!

The white hot rumor right now is that the W’s want to get in the Luol Deng sweepstakes and the trade package would have to include the #7 pick. The only problem with this, and it is a very minor problem, is that to match salaries in this trade the Bulls would have to take back Andris Biedrins or Richard Jefferson. I like to joke that I’m smarter than NBA GMs, but even the most KAHN-Y of all Kahns wouldn’t simply take back cap filler for one of the best all around 3s in the game.

“Yes I would, Endo.”

I want to talk about YOUR BOY Lillard for a quick second. John Hollinger, who I respect greatly because of his use of advanced (re: nerd) stats, does not project Lillard to be worth a top 10 pick, let alone the #6 pick overall. His point is essentially that he is older than most of the prospects at that range (older, therefore closer to his athletic peak, meaning lower ceiling) and that his stats were put up against lesser competition than most prospects. I agree with this assessment. Especially knowing that he’s more of a scoring point and less of a playmaking point, I think you gotta pass and go with the big guy. Drummond has as many red flags as anyone, but a wise man once said “you can’t teach size”. I’d much rather take a risk on a guy who’s gigantic than a guy in Lillard who might be Rodney Stuckey v2.0.

I want to talk about John Holllinger’s ratings a little more, because he has a lot of the guys the Warriors have brought in recently to be busts in the NBA. Since my last email, the W’s have worked out Meyers Leonard and Moe Harkless and have also been strongly linked to Terrance Ross. Hollinger specifically singles out those 3 guys as having big bust potential. You thought I was mad when the W’s picked Udoh over Monroe and Klay over Kawhi, just wait and see how mad I’ll get if we take one of those scrubs.

My favorite player who nobody is talking about (Hollinger agrees) is Quincy Miller. I was on him early in the NCAA season because my beloved alma mater SDSU Aztecs played Baylor early in November, and Miller was a monster. Baylor won easy, with no PJ3 out there, and Miller was by far the best player on the floor. He’s a young player, so he might not be “NBA ready” off the bat, but I’m confident he’ll be a solid player.

Speaking of solid players, I want to single out a few guys who I KNOW will be solid NBA players, but won’t be sexy picks. Draymond Green is one of those guys who does everything well but not one thing great. He’ll get drafted at the end of the 1st round by a team like Boston, Memphis, OKC and will be immediately productive, and everyone will say things like “how did 20 teams pass on this guy?!?” The reason is simple: bad teams need to take a risk on guys who will be stars, whereas good team can pick guys who know how to play and can immediately find a role. I think this goes for Royce White too. He has some personality issues that bad teams (cough cough Warriors cough) wouldn’t be able to overcome. But put him on Boston, for example, he has a chance to be a very good player. Kendall Marshall fits in this category too, though he is a much more known commodity. Btw, Marshall is thought of to be a young ‘Dre Miller. I KNOW you like that.

Last thought before I pass this back to you. I’m going all in on Dion Waiters. And this is a total leap of faith since I saw maybe 10 minutes of him play in college. But Hollinger loves him (I sound like Hollinger’s agent right now don’t I?) and the W’s need to draft the best player available. Our knucklehead owner Lacob seems to think we are “set” at 4 of the 5 positions, but all we saw of Klay last year was at the end of the year in essentially meaningless games. To say he is “set” as the starting 2 seems quite bold (just to clarify I don’t think any of our starters should be considered “set” with a team that is as desperate for talent as ours).

“Bogut! Lee! Curry! Thompson! We’re thisclose! THISCLOSE! Respect the cock! RESPECT THE COCK!”

If we can’t get one of my top 6 players (even then I’m thinking I’d rather have Waiters than Harrison Barnes at this point, I am NOT sold on Barnes) and we stay at #7, I’m wanting Waiters.

Bring it.

#5: Chunk’s Revenge

This is why I both love and hate debating with you on things like this.  You always bring “statistical data” and “rationale” into the mix.  I’m a Blazer fan, Endo.  As such I make my decisions based on my gut feeling and whether or not the draftee seems like a nice guy.  Quit throwing advanced stats into the mix you big bully!

Don’t bully me!

That said, perhaps some clarification is in order. 

In a perfect world, Lillard would stay where he was initially projected to go: late in the Lottery or just outside the Lottery.  Picking him #6 is a reach, indeed.  But I do believe that he is the optimal guy that could help now, and I have concerns that he will not be there by the time the #11 pick rolls around.  So why am I so enamored with Lillard, you may ask?  Because it was painful to watch what happened to the Blazers offense when Aldridge started getting double and triple teamed.  There were few, if any, players on the Blazers that could create offense on their own and hardly anyone that could take it to the rim with consistency.  With a guy like Lillard, he can shoot from three and is aggressive in getting to the hoop.  I’m not predicting that he’ll become the #1 option or anything, but at the very least he’ll keep defenses honest, which right now, the Blazers don’t have. 

Which brings us back to this: if I can only have one of them, why take Lillard over Drummond?  I have this gut-wrenching feeling that we’ll pass on the big man and he’ll grow into a force on another team.  But I’m okay with that.  Reason being is if you look at the track record of the Blazers when selecting a). a big man, and b). a young and raw big man, they aren’t that great in development or preventing injury.  Drummond is ultra-talented but hasn’t proved to have much of a post game.  With their star player just hitting his prime I’m not convinced that the franchise will be too keen in waiting on Drummond to develop and endure the growing pains of adapting to the NBA game.  Whether that’s right or wrong, we’ll only know in hindsight.  But bottom line, development isn’t exactly their strong suit. 

As for preventing injury, I’m being Captain Obvious.  I may be reaching in Drummond’s case, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll need a halfway decent medical/training staff to help him grow and get stronger.  My buddy Mike showed me Drummond’s workout with the Kings so we could ooh and aah over his freakishness.  But Mike pointed out one thing in passing that I couldn’t really get over.  After every dunk, Drummond never landed cleanly, and stumbled in getting his footing.  Having no medical or training background, take this point for what it is (blogosphere bullshit).  But my immediate thought was one of two things: a). he isn’t done growing, or b). he hasn’t reached his peak in physical strength.  Both points should make me drool over his potential…until I look at the track record of the training staff. 

If it seems like I’m piling on the training staff, it’s probably because I am.  But less than a week ago former Blazer Channing Frye was on a local radio show and talked about the Phoenix training staff, calling them “unbelievable”.  According to him, they “correct bio-mechanics” and that their philosophy is all about “learning your body”.  Well no shit.  I can only be led to believe that the Blazers staff doesn’t do the same.  So how will a raw 18 year old big man that hasn’t yet grown into his body do when partnered up with a staff that doesn’t focus on bio-mechanics or help strengthen player’s weaknesses (but prefers band-aid solutions)?  My guess is “not well”. 

Point being, I think the guy is a great prospect and seems like a good character guy.  But the sad reality is that we may not be equipped to help him succeed.  It sucks, but it is what it is. 

So considering the two biggest needs are at the 1 and 5 spots, I’d go with the 1 in this case.  Lillard probably should go #11 but between Toronto at #8 and New Orleans at #10 I’m not convinced he’ll be there.  So I say take him early just to be sure (for the reasons listed above). 

Kendall Marshall, I love him.  But for immediate need I’d rather have an aggressive offensive player that can shoot and finish at the rim.  I’d be speaking differently if the Blazers had a guy like that, as Marshall is a great facilitator.  Any guy that averages 10 assists a game in college is good in my book.  Without the attacking presence on the current roster though, I’d prefer Lillard.  Marshall’s strength as a facilitator would be cheapened if the entire offense right now is predicated on throwing the ball into Aldridge while everyone else stands around the perimeter.  Lillard’s game would be a welcomed curveball to that mentality.  (Note: if the Blazers were in “rebuild” mode, I’d be good with Marshall as our point guard of the future.  But they seem hell-bent on “re-tooling” to maximize Aldridge’s prime years).

As for your notes on quality players projected to go later in the round, I’m with ya.  Which begs the question.  Earlier today you indicated you’d be upset if the Warriors traded #7 to pick up #14 and #16 from the Rockets.  Why would that be so bad?  The guys projected to go between 14-21 meet your criteria of helping now, for the most part.  Wouldn’t it help to stockpile assets of quality players rather than take Waiters?

#6. Endo’s Garage

Before I answer your questions, I want to do a little blind taste test of draft prospects. Who would you rather?

Player A: 6’3, 6’8 wingspan, 2011-12 stats: 34 mpg, 15 ppg, 6.7 rpg, 2.2 apg, .445/.339/.769 (FG%/3pt%/FT%)

Player B: 6’3, 6’7 wingspan, 2011-12 stats: 24 mpg, 12.6 ppg, 2.3 rpg, 2.5 apg, .476/.363/.729 (FG%/3pt%/FT%)

Pretty much as similar as it gets. Player A seems to have a little better rebounding instincts yet Player B is the more efficient scorer. Yet for some reason Player A is looked at as a “lock” of a top 4 pick whereas Player B is just now picking up steam in terms of being considered a top 7 prospect.

Player A: Bradley Beal & Player B: Dion Waiters

I’m sure by now you’ve realized that Player A is Bradley Beal and Player B is Dion Waiters. I’ve heard talk of Beal being a “prototypical 2 guard”, a “sharpshooter”, and “the next Ray Allen.” Not only did Ray Allen never shoot anywhere near 34% from 3 in college, he was never under 40% in his 3 seasons at UConn. Now I’m not saying that Beal will be a bust, or Waiters will undoubtedly be better than Beal, I’m just confused as to what everyone sees in him. If I’m a team in the top 5, I would not for a second consider taking Beal over Thomas Robinson or MKG, or Harrison Barnes for that matter.

As for the Warriors trading down from 7 to get 2 picks in the team, I did in fact say that I’d be upset. My thinking is this: the Warriors need as much top end talent as they can get. I do NOT think they draft players based on their ability to help out now. Decisions like that cause teams to draft Ekpe Udoh over Greg Monroe. They need a guy who has serious talent. Whether that be Waiters, or if Drummond slips to them, they need to take advantage of them and draft them. The odds they get a guy at #7 who will become THE guy for a team is very slim (though Drummond could become that guy) but there is no one on the W’s roster right now who is a real #1 guy, and adding role players (aka guys drafted in the teens) is nice, but they need top end talent.

Now, as for Portland and Lillard, all I can say is, good luck (in my C Webb voice). I completely understand why the Blazers should draft him, and your concerns with Andre Drummond. It looks as if there is a VERY good chance Lillard will be available when the Blazers draft at 6, and after listening to the rational Blazers fans call in to sports talk radio in Portland I am assured he will be welcomed in Rip City. But I also remember those same rational types falling in love with Ray Felton, Jerryd Bayless, Dan Dickau, and other supposed point guards of the future. (Don’t know why I felt the need to throw Dan Dickau under the bus there, but I did, so there. I’ve also been partying tonight, so there’s that.)

All that said, knowing that Austin Rivers is the “hot” name on teams draft boards, PLEASE draft Lillard. At the very least you can justify that he’s an Oakland point guard and make irrational comparisons to Gary Payton and Jason Kidd. Austin Rivers is said to have an ego that rivals Kobe Bryant, so to whomever drafts him, I offer my most sincere, C Webb voice, good luck.

(Editor’s note: if you haven’t seen the following video of Chris Webber interviewing David Kahn, it’s a must watch)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGZebWRJWg4

24 hours from now we will know how everything plays out. This is my final email in our little back and forth we’ve had so I guess I should do some sort of sign off. The Hornets are obviously going to come out as the winners here. They’ll get the best player (duh) and another solid player at 10, and I’m going on the record here as saying they’ll make the playoffs before the Warriors. Houston obviously will be the team to watch, and they might even make a trade with my W’s. Charlotte, Washington, Cleveland and Sacramento are all fairly hopeless franchises and will more than likely doom whomever they draft. You guys in Portland are in the middle of a retooling (not rebuilding, CEO speak, boom) and if I were you I’d be very anxious going into tomorrow. As for me and my W’s, barf. I am a grown ass man, I’ve been around the block many times with this team, so I am already angry at whatever happens tomorrow night. Drummond will be on the board, we’ll pass on him, someone will swoop and he’ll be a superstar. These are how these things happen.

Live shot of Endo after every Warriors draft pick. (Note: coincidentally, this happens to be the same look I make every time a Blazer goes down with an injury).

Well Sir, this was big fun. Good luck to your squad tomorrow night. I’ll be sure to blow up your twitter feed with my rants and ramblings of all things NBA tomorrow.

Party.

#7: Chunk’s Revenge

Endo, it’s been a goddamned pleasure.  Did we resolve anything?  Nope.  Did we create any semblance of a mock draft?  Not a chance.  Did we have a righteous time drinking brews over nightly emails and adequately showing how fucking frustrating it can be to root for a disoriented franchise?  You betcha.  Best of luck tomorrow.

As if your rantings and ravings about prospects (complete with advanced stats and statistical comparisons of comparable players) weren’t enough, it’s worth pointing out one thing.  You – a Warriors fan living in Los Angeles – live streamed John Canzano’s “Bald Faced Truth” radio program in Portland to listen to a mock draft with me during working hours.  If that’s not a basketball junkie, I don’t know what is. 

Apparently we share an admiration for the sport.  Perhaps we should play H.O.R.S.E. sometime.  Or do this again after the draft concludes. 

Fare thee well you saucy scoundrel.

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