Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Archive for the category “Ramblings”

The Random Rambling of a Dumbass

On a day like today, just one thing comes to mind: Time to get shitfaced.

Wassup ya big bozos.

Allow me to paint you a picture. It’s a beautiful autumn Saturday. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, my dad’s in the den watching The Green Mile on full blast and I’m partying in the kitchen by myself like I’m at the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer. As I was playing the game “Am I being awesome or am I a pathetic loser?” (basically my fave question to ask myself), it occurred to me: September is nearly over, and I’ve only done one blog post so far this month. What. A. Dumbass. Let’s rectify this unfortunate situation and pretend it never happened.

Thought #1: I got drunk last weekend and tweeted some very nasty, angry comments to Roger Goodell and did it in ALL CAPS TO RELAY JUST HOW ANGRY I WAS ABOUT THE REFEREE LOCKOUT. I’m not proud of that, but in fairness, I was in a very crabby mood. And that was before the Seahawks/Packers fiasco. The refs are back this weekend (yay!) which means I need to find a new person to yell at on Twitter when I’m feeling crabby.

Thought #2: Here’s how my mom and dad explained me as an athlete to my wife – “He was pretty good at a lot of things, but wasn’t great at anything.” This was meant to be a sincere compliment and I was quite smug about the kudos I was given until I started writing this sentence. Regardless, is that quote tombstone-worthy? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.

Chunk’s Revenge fully endorses mediocrity.


Thought #3: I’m at an age where parties are more of a hassle than anything. When I was a kid I remember this group of girls that were obsessed with growing up, and they even started pronouncing “mature” in a very arrogant and obnoxious way. Those kind of people still exist, and their method in “growing up” is throwing themed parties with bowties and wine and cheese and pretending they’re cultured by talking about how they read The Hunger Games while ignoring that bragging about reading The Hunger Games is like me bragging about owning every Calvin & Hobbes book (which I do…in your face). That said, I can’t turn down party invitations just to avoid the occasional bonehead, lest I wish to create the appearance of being a social outcast.

So. New plan. I’ll go to these parties. Even adhere to the dress code. But my goal is going to be acting like this:

I made this comment to my boy Endo, and he said he didn’t like the idea. He loved it. He then summarized it perfectly: “Everyone knows about ‘Tom Cruise on Oprah’ crazy. But we’re more ‘Mark McGrath on The Wendy Williams Show’ crazy.”


Have a good weekend amigos. I’ll catch ya in October.


College Football Previewing: Penance to TV Karma Lords, Fussily Justifying My Oregon Duck Fandom, and Barfing on Michigan

As penance for past wrong-doings, please accept this picture, television karma lords.

Karma bit me in the ass in a bad way yesterday morning, amigos. After posting about Breaking Bad (in a post during which I went to great lengths to avoid spoilers, and went so far as to tell readers to stop when I felt that the slightest bit of spoilery would be touched upon) some bozo clown Facebook friend of mine gave away the ending of the last episode. I couldn’t watch it live two nights ago, so I DVR’d it and came home to watch it during my lunch break yesterday…but the ending was already given away. I don’t think I deserved the spoiler. But after taking a good four hours to cool my head I recognized that I violated the first line of the post: “Talking about Breaking Bad in public is a big fucking no-no.” I suppose that even without spoilers included in the write up, I kinda had that coming. Karma told me so yesterday morning. So from now on, no Breaking Bad talk. I’m sorry Karma! I won’t do it again!

Chunk’s Revenge longs for the day in which it lived in perfect karmic harmony with spoiler free television.

Now I’ll just stick to what I do best, writing about standard bozo things. Shall we?

Today’s post:
Oh hey there pals. Say, I have some great news for ya’s! Football season is just around the corner. Football and Basketball are 1A and 1B on my fave sports to watch, in no particular order. It just kinda depends on the time of year. The NFL officially starts next week. But first…college ball.

As a diehard Oregon Ducks fan, this time of year presents a particularly obnoxious thematic issue I’ve been subjected to over the past few years. It can most easily be relayed through a joke my pal Steve, born and raised an Oregon State Beavers fan and OSU alum, told me yesterday. It goes as so:

Beaver fan: “Who’s your favorite team?”
Duck fan: “The Ducks!”
Beaver fan: “Where’d you go to school?”
Duck fan: “A small liberal arts school in California.”

This grinds my gears because of the obvious. I went to a small liberal arts school in California. So since the rise of Oregon’s program, I spend a fair amount of time every year justifying why I should be considered a legitimate fan. Suddenly, it occurred to me. I don’t need to answer to these clowns. I was born into a family of Ducks, and I’m that black sheep bastard of the family that did not graduate from the University of Oregon – the only member of my immediate family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) with that designation. If you grow up a fan of a particular team, my feeling is you don’t just stop being a fan because you went to school somewhere else. Just because I’ve lived my entire adult life in Los Angeles doesn’t mean I need to give up on being a Trail Blazers fan and switch allegiances to the Lakers or Clippers.

Starting this conversation will surely result in me getting some unfounded ribbing from my friends that like to get me all riled up. But I’m not biting bozos! Not anymore!

That said, I realize how much fun it is to make fun of bandwagon fans, so I figured out an easy way to figure out who’s for real and who’s just in it for the fast paced offense and colorful jerseys of today.

Here’s the lone question to determine whether or not a supposed Duck fan is a lifelong fan: “Do you know who Kenny Wheaton is?”

Any self respecting Duck fan will not only answer “yes”. They’ll tell you who he is, why you’re asking the question and what he did. If they can’t answer, they’re a bandwagoner. Or maybe a casual fan. Sorry for leaving you high and dry, casual fans. You’re on your own in justifying your fandom though.

If you still can’t place who Kenny Wheaton is after looking at this pic, then you were probably a USC fan in the early-mid 2000’s…you big bozo bandwagoner.

As for other football hijinks, let’s break down the coming season. We’ll stick to the college game today. Pro stuff will be posted later this week (maybe).

Thought #1: LSU and/or Alabama will play in the National Championship Game

Nick Saban: “Hello, fartface.”
Les Miles: “I’m NOT a fartface! “YOU are the fartface!”
Chunk’s Revenge: “Boys, boys! Take it easy. You’re both fartfaces.”

Fans of schools in the SEC root for their preferred teams first, the rest of the SEC teams are a close second. For the shitty teams in the league, I liken this to a towel boy taunting everyone else in the world when “his team” goes onto great things. This is annoying. Also, I can’t stand Les Miles and Nick Saban. I can’t adequately relay this point enough…and yet I don’t care to go into specifics because I’m not sure I have any. They’re just douchebags, okay? All of this adds up to one thing: an SEC team will play in, and probably win, another National Championship. As a fan, I hate to admit this, but it’s true. If you wanna win big on the gambling circuit, find the teams I root for and bet against them. “Shorting” those squads will surely pay dividends. Another certainty? Find the teams I can’t stand and bet in favor of them. The Sports Karma Lords of the universe seem hell-bent on taunting me (see: The Miami Heat, the recent success of Boston franchises, and every SEC championship over the last 10 years).

Thought #2: I will be a sad and bitter man on November 3rd

Oregon plays at USC on this day. I’m not anticipating good things, for yours truly. Some may view this as some sort of half-baked “reverse-jinx” or something, but really it’s not. Wanna know why? The reason is two-fold: 1). I can’t stand USC. 2). My wife and her family are all diehard Trojan fans. If the Ducks lose, not only will I be upset over the loss against a rival, but also I’ll be subjected to ridicule from most everyone I know in Southern California. Plus, any so-called “reverse-jinx” is negated by the karma that insists on punching me in the face, as outlined in Thought #1. At best, the jinxing/karma Lords are even, and I’m still not liking the odds.

Even in a loss, I’ll look for a consolation prize in order to fend off the taunting of Trojan fans. Here it is: UO cheerleaders >; USC cheerleaders. (Note: will Chunk’s Revenge actually be so petty as to resort to discussing cheer squads? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.)

Thought #3: Michigan and “Shoelace” Robinson…ha!

My pal Endo pointed this out. Many talking heads are yapping incessantly about Michigan making some noise this season, led by their star QB Denard “Shoelace” Robinson. For starters, no. Secondly, they aren’t even the best team in the Big Ten. Thirdly, as Endo pointed out, everyone is conveniently glossing over the fact that they play Alabama in their season opener. If I were to pick the lesser of two evils, I’d want Alabama to lose. But that’s just not gonna happen. If it were to miraculously happen then there would still be an SEC school looming as a favored National Champion, and even more clamoring about Michigan’s return to glory. Everybody still loses.

If you haven’t noticed, I sincerely hope that I’m incorrect in all three of my predictions. But if I’m being honest, as of right now, that’s what I’m prepping for. I like to live by the credo of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Problem is, nobody should be a full out “hater”. And since I am, I’m more often than not punished for my hateration.

That said, football – especially college football – is a tricky thing to predict. So there’s only one sure thing as the season approaches: expect the return of my live-drunk-blogging concept from the NBA Playoffs. That’s the only method I can think of that will keep my sanity in check, because I’m a grown man, and that’s what grown men do.

NBA Free Agency: A Whole New World (in Which Absolutely Nothing Changes)

Even under a new collective bargaining agreement that allows General Managers to be frugal, they can’t help but make it rain when the opportunity presents itself.

I haven’t posted anything in over a week, and a certain bozo is gettin’ all up in my face about why that is (note: I talk to myself a lot).  Sorry amigos, but I’ve been partaking in some shenanigans.  Some hijinks.  Some Tom Foolery.  Considering the 4th of July fell on a Wednesday last week, it seemed like a good time to enjoy what would become the most ineffective work week of the modern era and head home to Southern California so I could hang with my better half.  Hence the idle blog.  Blogging, you see, is not an activity to be mutually enjoyed by spouses. 

So, with all that said, I kept a watchful eye on one thing throughout the week: tracking the goings on during the NBA Free Agency period.  Who’s going where?  Who’s doing what?  Who’s actin’ a foo’ and throwing caution to the wind?  Speaking in my best David Kahn voice: methinks it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty details and examine. 

Thought #1: I was chattin’ it up with my pal Endo and he made a comment that was very fitting to this whole Free Agency debacle of 2012.  Endo: “Welp.  Thank God we just had that Lockout.”  Indeed.  Less than a year removed from the fierce Lockout Battle of 2011 during which team owners bitched and moaned about how out of control players salaries had gotten, we have seen the following: $20 Million for Landry Fields, $30 Million for Jeremy Lin, $40 Million for Gerald Wallace, $45 Million for Nicolas Batum, and $58 Million for Roy Hibbert.  The rules of the new CBA were meant to avoid this very practice.  No dice.  There are no words to describe this.  Only acronyms can do the trick.  WTF NBA owners?

Thought #2: In anticipation of the next Lockout (during which the same arguments will be made by the owners about “paying too much”) can’t we just consider that as long as there is restricted free agency bloated salaries will continue to exist?  As a beat reporter for the Minnesota Timberwolves pointed out in regards to Batum’s assumed offer sheet of $45 Million, “if you want a restricted free agent, you have to pay up (so the player’s current team won’t match)”.  Batum is about to get Luol Deng money.  Luol Deng, he is not.  What this will do: drive up the asking price of talented but unproven small forwards with upside.  Player’s agents gauge the price point of their clients based on recent comparables…it’s an appraisal process, if you will.  So by “overpaying” to ensure that a restricted free agents current team will not match…that sets a price point for the future.  The price point for the next Batum will be set at his new contract…and then the number will escalate with time.  As the housing market in Los Angeles can attest, this method of phantomly overpaying doesn’t always work out.  Instead, it can create a bubble, and that bubble will be the basis for the next Lockout.  Overpaying, it turns out, sets a new market value.  The cycle of overcommitting to role players is just starting over again. 

Thought #3: David Kahn should always have a job as a GM in the league (because everyone needs a laugh and/or punching bag).  Kahn is considered smug and condescending, constantly overvaluing his players even as he tries to dump them on any team within arm’s reach.  To make the Batum offer sheet a “win-win” for the Wolves and Blazers, he’s offered up a sign and trade scenario where the Blazers get the opportunity to recoup their presumed loss of Batum by acquiring Derrick Williams and Martell Webster.  Three problems here: 1). The Wolves don’t have the capspace to sign Batum and fellow free agent Brandon Roy.  So why would the Blazers help a division rival shed salary to get under the cap so they can successfully hijack a player of value? 2). Why would the Blazers settle for the players of Kahn’s choosing when they could just let Batum go and have boatloads of capspace to be used in future free agent signings and/or future trades?  3). Are we supposed to forget that the Blazers traded Webster to the Wolves, and that Kahn attempted to report the Blazers to the league after being so miffed at how the trade worked out for him?  That’s like two independent parties trading cars, one party trying to sue the other for malfeasance, losing, then turning around and trying to include what he once determined to be a “lemon” in a future trade.  This isn’t intended to be a knock on Webster, but you can’t bitch about a transaction involving Webster then try to act like it’s a cookie cutter slam dunk to include him in a future deal. 

I have no leverage nor much business savvy. But if I speak down on you enough, perhaps I can make you believe that I do.

Thought #4: NBATV should have a camera crew present at Landry Fields’ signing.  It was widely speculated that the driving force behind the $20 Million offer sheet was to cramp the capspace of the New York Knicks, who would need to include Fields in a sign and trade for Steve Nash.  Overpaying Fields meant the Knicks wouldn’t match, which meant they couldn’t get Nash, which would give Toronto a leg up in acquiring Nash’s services.  Didn’t exactly work out as planned (btw, Nash on the Lakers…BARF).  Also, a note to Toronto’s management: because of your failed shenanigans, the next Landry Fields-ish player will now be using his contract as a gauge to determine the contract he deserves.  So thanks for that.  

In the new world of NBA economics, we have found the ideal candidate for vacant general manager positions.

Thought #5: Just as I’m about to post this, it was announced that the Nets just signed Brook Lopez to a max contract.  I would shake my head at the thought, but all I’m really thinking is this: thank goodness it wasn’t the Blazers.

The NBA Draft: Trademarkability, Having a Better 19th Birthday Than Bradley Beal & The Conundrum Of Meyers Leonard

Welcome to Portland 2012 draftees! Trail Blazer fans are a rough and rugged lot but we tell it like it is.

So NBA Draft Day in Portland is kinda something.

Evidently, my pals from back in the day treat it like Christmas, throw a Draft Party called “Draftmas”, and all sorts of shit goes down.  Well, that’s how it historically went down.  Now everyone is all growns up, is married, has kids, all that stuff.  So what to expect of my first Draftmas was hard to figure out.  In the span of two days I was instructed to: 1). take a taxi to the destination (in anticipation of shit goin’ down), 2). Be cool due to it being a family event, 3). Told not to ride my bike because there would be a good chance I would be too drunk to ride home.  So…Christ.  What should I have done?  I ended up getting dropped off by my dad (like any rational, grownup man would do) and played it safe…perhaps a #Burnout hashtag is in order after that last sentence.

The attire was to be Blazers themed, but of the “one-up” variety.  Meaning, we had to try and pull off the most obscure, old school, or rare Blazers gear at the party.  I was led to believe that if I showed up with my Drexler jersey I would be ridiculed (as Drexler would be too obvious), so instead I rocked my disheveled 1990 Blazers Playoffs t-shirt, that has basically turned into a rag. But some patrons wore Spurs (George Gervin), Warriors (Earl Boykins), Cavs (World Be Free), Sixers (Daryl Dawkins), or Suns (“Thunder” Dan Majerle) jerseys.  They were just being awesomely original. 

Well goddammit.  If I knew that would be accepted I woulda rocked my Drazen Petrovic New Jersey Nets jersey…obvi.

Anyhoo, I tracked this draft with great anticipation, and took great pleasure in knowing that everyone in attendance was just as anxious as me.  In fact, my pal Mike damn near passed out five minutes before the draft because he was so nervous of “what could go wrong”.  This is the life of a Blazers fan.  It’s nice knowing that I’m not the only one.  So…I took notes from the draft, picks 1 through 11, went home, and wrote up a saucy diary of the goings on during the draft in real time. 

Shall we?

Hello Newark. Your team was relocated under my watch. You’re welcome.

Note #1: GREAT move to hold the NBA Draft in Newark, New Jersey.  So, to be clear, David Stern openly allowed for a team to be jacked from New Jersey in a long anticipated move to Brooklyn.  As a consolation, he holds an NBA Draft in their city so they can observe other teams/cities gaining new talent.  Not knocking the move or anything, but you don’t dump a girlfriend for another woman, then include her in a Facebook group about all the fun things your new GF and new friends are doing in extravagant places.  That’s just rude.  Anyhoo, David Stern’s reaction to the crowd’s boos?  He mocks them.  Of course.  Because he’s just that kinda guy. 

Note #2: When Stern speaks, he stumbles over honest to goodness comments, clumsily reading from his notes…like who will be making the first pick, or when he congratulates future players.  He’s totally at ease though when he’s being booed (like when he congratulated the Heat for winning the Championship).  The dude is a sadist.

Note #3: Well…shit.  ESPN is rolling a clip of #1 overall picks for “big men”.  Greg Oden will be mentioned in 3…2…1….

Note #4: Guys.  Make note.  You can never say “brow” or “unibrow” again.  Anthony Davis’ management team has trademarked everything about unibrows.  If you’re a proud unibrower, you have been cheated.  Write a letter to David Stern, he might help.  Or maybe he’ll send you a cellphone pic of his testes with the note: “Suck on deez nutz!”

Stern: “This whole ‘unibrow’ craze has really taken on a life of it’s own, huh?”
Davis: “You just said ‘unibrow’. You owe me $20.”

Note #5: It’s so obvious that Jay Bilas has made a New Year’s Resolution to NOT say “ability” at the end of every word.  I’ll help ya out Jay, for old times sake.  Davis has hat-wearingability.  Grow-fastability.  UnibrowTrademarkAbility.  Start adding “ability” at the end of words, Jay.  You’re messing up my drinking game.

Note #6: They just showed a pic of Michael Jordan with his babe.  He looked like hell in the Dream Team documentary.  But even still.  He’s locked down a TEN even after his playing years.  Jordan: 1.  World: 0.

Note #7: MKG just got picked second.  Sooooo…are we doing a weird new thing this year when we pick the best player available?

Note #8: Bradley Beal just got selected #3 overall on his 19th birthday.  On my 19th birthday, I got attacked by some dorm room pals who threw me into the LMU fountain (a birthday tradition) and ended the night getting shitfaced drunk on Coors Light and Charcoal Filtered Vodka.  Hey Bradley Beal…I WIN.

Note #9: Ha!  Dion Waiters at #4.  Not sure what to say.  Reach comes to mind.

Gotcha suckaz!!!

Note #10: Waiters just said he’s got a lot of trust in his agent.  As he should.  A 6’3” sixth man going fourth overall.

Note #11: Coach Calipari is mic’d up.  Thank God for that.

Note #12: Sacramento just picked the best story of the draft: Thomas Robinson.  As my buddy Mike pointed out – how’s he gonna react to playing with bozos like Tyreke Evans and Demarcus Cousins? 

Note #13: King’s management may have just screwed themselves.  If there’s one man’s man superhero (in the guise of a common man) out there that will force the Maloofs to keep the Kings in Sacramento…it’s Thomas Robinson.  He’s the closest thing to Batman I’ve seen since I looked in the mirror and lied to myself.

Note #14: Heather Cox is forcing an interview upon Robinson’s little sister.  Note to Heather Cox: Disneyland is not close to Sacramento.

Note #15: There’s this “holy shit!” moment going around at the draft party.  Everyone half-hoped that Drummond would be swooped up by the #5 pick so the Blazers brass wouldn’t have to think about it…they’d just take Lillard.  But now, we can choose between Drummond and Barnes.  The vibe around here is the same.  It goes as so: “Please…for the love of God…choose Lillard.  Call it a hunch.  Save this rant forever in case it backfires on me.  I don’t care.  Give me Lillard!”

Note #16: Reaction at the draft party when Damian Lillard was selected: cheers so loud that the little kids started to cry.  We seriously scared the piss outta them.  I broke down why I wanted Lillard way too much in my post with Endo’s Garage.  Although there were great picks available, this was the perfect pick for the Blazers…hopefully I’m not drinking any Kool Aid.

Lillard is an All Star!

Note #17: Text exchange with Endo after Barnes fell to the Warriors:
Me: “YUGE pickup for you guys”
Endo: “No.”
So…enough said.

As anticipated, this was Endo’s reaction to the Warriors pick.

Note #18: Terrence Ross just went to Toronto at #8.  As a Portland native, it is my obligation to say kudos to the young man, and wish him the greatest of success.  But…Christ meng.  A bit of a reach?  Maybe.  But this is good.  Is there a chance that Andre Drummond falls to #11?

Note #19: Dag nabbit you, Detroit.

Note #20: Austin Rivers goes to New Orleans at #10.  THANK GOD.  I did not want to be in a position in which we had to consider Rivers.  He may be a scorer, he may be a baller, he may have the genetics…but he strikes me as a guy that fancies himself a Kobe when he is really a Jerryd Bayless.

Note #21: A new pal of mine has just declared that he will leave if The Blazers choose Meyers Leonard at #11.  Reason being: he hates guys that have “two last names” and hates “stiff white guys”.  Our host counters the argument, and says, “I love stiff white guys, especially if they’re lefties”.  The booze is kicking in at the party, obvi.

Note #22: The Blazers select Meyers Leonard.  My new pal buries his face in his hands.  He disappears for several minutes, and we all believe he has left until we glance out the window and see that he is shooting layups by himself in the driveway, with a cigarette dangling out of his mouth.  It’s a very “funeral” thing to do.  In fairness, this is the general reaction to Meyers Leonard being picked:


The “WTF” Award: Cleveland
Greaaaaaat job Cav’s Dan.  You could’ve traded down for Waiters, got more picks out of it, or maybe some cash.  But no. You reached very far for an undersized shooting guard that never started in college.  Kudos.  Also, you could’ve not traded for Tyler Zeller (and actually kept Jared Cunningham, Bernard James, and Jae Crowder) but no.  And you wonder why LeBron ditched you. 

The “GODDAMN!” Award(s): Houston, Boston, and Dallas
Seriously?  How did you do this?  Three highly respected teams with respectable/good records coming out winners with some very legit late picks?  It’s criminal.  You’re taking advantage homies.  Don’t do that.  Houston & Boston, you were savvy.  Dallas…you basically rufi’d Cleveland.  They’ll feel ashamed tomorrow.  How dare you.

Next day Note: I have officially convinced myself that the Meyers Leonard pick was excellent (a complete 180 from yesterday).  Between Lillard, Leonard, and Will Barton I kinda felt like doing this when I woke up.

The NBA Finals: Sith Lords, The Bosh Scream, Syrian Beards & Naked Bike Riding

Upon the realization that either the Thunder or the Heat would be crowned as champions, your valiant blogger held this face for a week and a half straight. That is, until now, when he made the executive decision to get his head and his ass wired together to go in for the big win. You know what I’m talking about.

Ahoy amigos!

So, for weeks I’ve posted running commentary about the NBA Playoffs. And yet, aside from a few vague/clumsy tweets comparing the Thunder & Heat to Sith Lords I have yet to comment on this Finals matchup.

Why, you might ask? Well, sadly, it’s because I don’t like either team. To me, both franchises represent a disturbing trend in which players & ownership chooses to talk outta two sides of their mouths. Out of one, they fluff their fanbases with commercials about how they’re all about the community. Out of the other, they shit on them the first chance they get (Cleveland as a result of “The Decision”; Seattle as a result of the Sonics hijacking). This is me being Captain Obvious.

Captain Obvious: at your service.

But alas, we are here now. One of these two teams is gonna be crowned CHAMP so it’s high time that I jumped on board and actually acknowledged this series. I can’t miss out on basketball homies. Especially good quality basketball.

How’s about some Game 4 notes?

Note #1: Thank God Russell Westbrook doesn’t seem to listen to, or care about, the naysayers claiming he takes too many shots. As legit as Kevin Durant is, there are large stretches that he floats along the perimeter and isn’t aggressive in getting a shot (could this be because LeBron James is guarding him? Quite possibly.) Anyhoo. Russy Russ was the only guy that really kept OKC in the game. Anyone that wants to pin the loss on him for his boneheaded foul at the end of the game, take a look at his statline. Also, try for one second to claim that he didn’t singlehandedly keep them in the game. If you do that and still think he’s to blame, I know who you are.


Note #2: I watched tonight’s game with my brother. He made an excellent note of James Harden’s beard. It’s a Syrian beard. I, for one, love the image of James Harden going out on the town in Oklahoma City with Trina (Da Baddest Bitch) on his arm while sporting his Syrian beard.

Disappointing news amigos. My brother wasn’t only making a hilarious observation. He was also showcasing that he’s much smarter and more cultural than me. Apparently he got the term “Syrian beard” from a 19th Century French Realist painter named Gustave Courbet. In this painting, he paints himself on the right, and boasted of his Syrian beard. Fun fact, indeed. Point being, don’t run away if someone starts yapping about 19th Century French Realism. Something good may come of it. Actually, no. Just run. Unless they lead with an awesome description. Like, “Hey, that James Harden has a Syrian beard!”

Note #3: My mom noted that she thought James Harden’s beard looks ugly. I resisted the urge to ask if she’s seen Harden without the beard and chose to point out that he is dating Trina Da Baddest Bitch, so it can’t be all that bad. Apparently my mom wasn’t aware of the existence of this Trina Da Baddest Bitch.

Note #4: My brother rocked a Syrian beard for quite some time. My mom wasn’t a fan, obvi.

Note #5: Has Chris Bosh always been “that guy” that pumps up the crowd and screams at them to “get up”? I never noticed this until now. I admire the tenacity, but two things:

1). Miami fans probably aren’t the best people to rile up. Miami etiquette calls for you to “act cool” and “force the excitement come to you”, especially during Playoff basketball games.

“Listen Bosh, I don’t know what else you want from me. I have my stunna shades on. I’m chewing an unlit cigar like a bigwig fatcat. This is me EXCITED, okay??”

2). I can’t possibly differentiate Bosh’s in-game “get up and cheer!” tactics without thinking of the show he put on during the Big Three’s “Welcome Party” in Miami. This is not a good thing.

Chris Bosh’s internal monologue during the Miami Welcome Party: “Act cool Chris. Act cool. Cross your arms like Bron. Or smirk at the shawtee in the corner like DWade. Resist the urge to…oh f*ck it. BANG-A-RANG!!!”

Note #6: At some point I stopped admiring Harden’s beard and realized he’s been playing like shit. Even worse, he seems to know this and resorted to not taking open jumpers, hesitating, and drifting aimlessly into the lane for a contested shot. I’m a fan of his, and think he’s a good addition to the National Team, at least deserving of a tryout. But good gracious meng. Where’d your swag go?

When all else fails, blame the girlfriend.

Note #7: I considered tweeting some hater-ish things about LeBron when he went down with leg cramps in the 4th. Then I realized…he’s been playing 45 minutes a night for quite some time and he spent the entire night guarding Durant. Although KD’s stats looked good, LeBron kept him in check, and never let him have a chance to dominate the game…all while LeBron put up a near triple double. Add to that the fact that he plays in Southern Florida, I suppose cramping is a reasonable injury to sustain. Kinda like how the frigid air of Cleveland causes spontaneous elbow tendinitis.

Note #8: I won’t apologize for the dig in that last note…it was too easy of a setup.

Note #9: Paging the #DuhPolice – Fisher seems washed up or washing up fast. But aside from that, does it seem like his opponents aren’t giving him the same respect he once had? Methinks Billy Hunter is winning the internal debate among the Players Union as to who is most responsible for the shellacking they took during the last Collective Bargaining Agreement.

Note #10: Some food for thought – what if Eric Maynor was healthy and playing Derek Fisher’s minutes?

Note #11: My brother posted a picture of Portland’s Annual “Naked Bike Ride” on Facebook, and one of the people looked like my brother (tall, white, with dark hair…that’s about it). Of course, my mom is one of his Facebook friends, and this caused some confusion amongst her own Facebook friends as to why they got a dong-shot from their friend’s son (even though it wasn’t really him). Just another fun little side conversation during the game.

Not sure how other Naked Bike Rides go across the world, but in Portland 5,000 people ride, they’re escorted through town by the Portland Police Department, and I’m pretty sure it’s the only one that had a Playmate of the Year ride along topless (Don’t believe me? Google Sarah Underwood Naked Bike Ride. Your boss and/or HR Compliance Person will totes understand).

Note #12: To my dismay, the role players for Miami are stepping up at the exact right time. When Norris Cole hit some threes and even James Jones hit one, I figured it was Miami’s game to lose. So the lesson here is…you can build your team around scrub role players on their last leg and unproven rookies just so long as you form a Big Three by swaying the superstars of small market teams to join forces in a sunnier/larger market? Barf.

Note #13: Looks like Miami will be crowned CHAMPS unless one of them gets coaxed into pulling a Tracy McGrady. If this series ends soon…then what?

Note #14: Ahhh yes. The NBA Draft is next week. I’ll save my thoughts on this for a later time but allow me to point out one thing that should upset you greatly. The Minnesota Timberwolves will not be participating in the Lottery, which means David Kahn will have a more difficult time in gracing us with his presence through stellar draft strategy and draft-day trades. I’m gonna miss his face. But I suppose I can get my fill by watching reruns of Big Love.

Alby Grant (fundamentalist Mormon in “Big Love”) and David Kahn could be long lost brothers or an ultra smug father/son duo.

Fare thee well amigos. Enjoy the rest of the work week. And remember: procrastination is an art form. Work on it. Cherish it.

A “How-To” Guide to Scaring Off Unwanted Solicitors for the Rest of the Summer

“Hello. We are seeking one-time donations so we can allegedly use it to cure every possible problem in the world. You want the world to be a better place, don’t you? You don’t have any money on you? Shame on you.”

As a kid, when summertime arrived I’d go batshit crazy.  Nothing was better than summertime.  It was just three months of carefree fun, and the only concern in the world was wondering if I would be sneak attacked in a water balloon fight (this is why I always stay on high ground, even today). 

Now that I’m a prickly son of a gun with bills and rent to pay, I still like summertime, but I also recognize the good and the bad of the season.  The good is obvious: sun, vacations, etc.  The bad: it’s not quite so carefree, and compounding this is the fact that I know for the next few months I’ll spend it dodging solicitors outside of grocery stores and every possible street corner you can imagine. 

That’s a minor downside to the sun coming out.  Special interest groups can now send some poor saps out into the streets and get them to ask for donations for every non-profit group under the sun.  I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to avoid these bozos.  They’re well versed in being pushy, and making you feel like an asshole if you don’t comply with their request.  A typical interaction goes like so:

Solicitor: Would you like to help (insert well-to-do cause here)?
Me: Not today, sorry (read: Of course I’d like to help, but not until I get my own life in order).
Solicitor: Every dollar helps!
Me: Maybe next time (read: No, no, no, no, no.  If I donate now, you and every other special interest group will continue to harass me when all I want to do is take my groceries and go home).
Solicitor: (insert some douchey guilt trip here, such as, “Come on…you just have to skip Happy Hour one time this week”.)

It’s not that I’m against donating to good causes.  It’s just that I don’t care to be treated like an elitist dickhead when some random special interest political group asks for a donation, when I’ve already contributed to a few causes over the last month.  There’s only so much donating a grown ass man can do, especially when he’s a broke grown ass man. 

Of course, you could just ignore them and walk away.  The downside in that is that they’ll still be there the next time and will continue with their hard sell.  The best way to get rid of them for good is if they remember you, and think twice about approaching you again. 

So, here are some simple methods in getting them to leave you alone for good.

Option 1: The “sub for sub” method

There’s this obnoxious trend in the social media world that I like to call the “sub for sub” method or “#TeamFollowBack” method.  People that post YouTube videos on the reg create their own channels, and the more subscriptions they get the more they can pursue their dream of being a wannabe internet celebrity.  These people send messages to larger channels and shamelessly request “sub for sub?”… meaning, “I’ll subscribe to your channel if you subscribe to mine.”  A similar and more well-known tact is on Twitter when one Twitter user asks you to follow them, and they’ll follow you in return.  They usually include the hashtag #TeamFollowBack.  It’s a major turnoff, which can actually come in handy during face-to-face interactions. 

How to apply it to unwanted solicitors: When approached, quickly change the subject and tell the solicitor of a great business proposition.  Talk about “win-wins” and feel free to say “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine”.  The longer you talk the better.  If your business proposition sounds like a blatant pyramid scheme, that can’t hurt either.  Eventually, you are hard-selling them and they won’t like it, and will most likely break off the conversation and leave you alone forever.

Don’t hold back in your salesmanship. Say things like “this is a cookie cutter slam dunk” and offer a “one-time buy-in” of just $250.

Option 2: Act like a crazy hobo

Do exactly what this guy does.  Consider carrying an empty bottle around to really capture the moment.  If you seem mentally unstable, they’ll want to move on to their next patsy.

Option 3: Stare at them as creepily as possible

If the solicitor is a man, try one of these faces.  Important note: keep your eyes wide and smile broadly.  Resist the urge to blink.  It will just add to the aura.

If your eyes bulge like a de-Muppetized Bert (from “Bert and Ernie”), open wide and stare deep into the solicitor’s soul. If not, focus on the solicitor’s hairline. Feel free to giggle under your breath in a deep baritone.

If the solicitor is a woman, try this face.  Bonus points for staring straight at her chest.  Continually ask her to repeat herself.  By doing this, you make her believe that you are not paying attention to what she says, but rather are more intent on taking a mental picture.

Now, this option may prove to be difficult if you are a graduate of Handsome Boy Modeling School.  The downside to being handsome is that channeling your inner creeper may not come across in the desirable manner.  Don’t project a Patrick Bateman aura.  Even considering your dire circumstance, that’d be a little messed up.  Instead, do like Dennis Reynolds.  Be fake-nice/charming, but give her “an implication”.

Option 4 (for the ladies): Flip the f*ck out

Women are at a disadvantage when acting creepy.  You’ll either come across as funny or sexy, maybe both.  So, in lieu of Option 3, do this: get your PMS on, and fast.  Don’t even let them finish their initial pitch. 

Solicitor: “Hi!  Would you like to donate to…”
You: “Oh…oh!  Isn’t this just great!  Some day I’m having.  First my boss yells at me for something I didn’t even do, then my husband forgot to pick up the dog from the vet and now we have to pay for an additional two hours of his time, and then my mom called and…”

You get the point.  Rant like hell.  Make up minor personal problems, and overreact to them more than you can possibly imagine.  If the solicitor is a man, believe me, he’ll run the first chance he gets.  If it’s a woman, she may sympathize initially, but will quickly recognize that it’s not worth the effort.  If you’re loud, she’ll probably get embarrassed by the scene you’re causing, which will speed along the process before she makes a mad dash to her next victim. 


Conclusion: So there you go.  Enjoy your summer free of harassment from undesired solicitors.  Now you will only have to stop when you really want to. 

You’re welcome.

Can a Live-Blog of Game 5 Between the Celtics & Heat Be Posted Two Days Late? Chunk’s Revenge Says Yes.

Your valiant blogger wrote a half-assed post two nights ago during Game 5 of the Celtics/Heat series, and is just now posting it. An official Chunk’s Revenge press release states: “Sorry, I have a life bozos.” (Important note: “having a life” entails getting fat and hurting himself doing minor tasks around the household).

Am I posting this late?  Yes.  And I would give an excuse but there isn’t much of one.  So leave me alone.  But in anticipation of tonight’s Game 6 between the Celtics and Heat, here is my live blog of Game 5, which doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the game itself. 

Thought #1: The Miami crowd is getting an “F” for not booing Rondo loudly whenever he touches the ball.  Hey Heat fans: he openly mocked your team during a live halftime interview!

Thought #2: These Adidas floating shoe commercials are baffling.  They are reaching for commercials without Derrick Rose in the Playoffs.  Methinks that’s the sign of a shoe company that needs some more spokespeople.  (Editorial note: my suspicions have been confirmed.  Woof.)

Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M.!! get yo’ money, dolla dolla bills ya’llllll.  Note: is this from a potentially unreliable online source that acts as an Encyclopedia open to the public? … Maybe.

Thought #3: I’m not much for the PA attempting to instigate “D-Fence!” chants during games, much less must-win playoff games.  I’m very much not for the playing of pop music during timeouts.  I’d rather listen to some shitty high school band than that.  At least that creates some sort of live sporting atmosphere.  In Miami, they just came out of the timeout to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe”.  It’s not fitting or appropriate given that it’s Game 5 of a series that’s tied 2-2.  But if you’re expecting me to rip the decision, think again.  That song could have easily started a dance party.  If you don’t find “Call Me Maybe” to be catchy and awesome then you’re a damned liar.  (Note: Carly Rae Jepsen’s music video had a 30 second ad.  Not OK by Chunk’s Revenge standards.  In lieu of her official music video, Chunk’s Revenge has made the executive decision to post a video of the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders dancing around to “Call Me Maybe” in bikinis.  It kinda makes LeBron’s and Bosh’s free agent decisions make a whole lotta sense.  Safe for work, but you may look like a weirdo creeper.)

Thought #4: Hey!  We’ve had a Greg Stiemsma sighting in Game 5! 

Hi. I’m Greg Stiemsma.

I’m a big proponent of having reality shows for NBA players (not involving a Kardashian).  My top 3 subjects are: DeMarcus Cousins, Delonte West, and JaVale McGee.  Greg Stiemsma is #4 on the list, if for no other reason than to watch that weirdo interact with his prickly sumbitch teammates.

Which reality show would you rather watch?
Option 1- Khloe: “Love you babe!”
Lamar:”Love YOU babe!”
Option 2 – Greg: “Kevin, will you follow me on Twitter?”
Kevin: “F*ck you Stiemsma! You pu$$y a$$ b*tch!”

Thought #5: This should come as no surprise, but the Heat crowd has another strike against them for that weak ass ovation they gave Chris Bosh when he entered the game.  So, if I have this right…your All-Star power forward that has been sorely missed over the last two rounds returns and you lazy jackasses can barely muster a “woop!” as he checks in.  Lame Miami. Very lame.

Thought #6: It only took 20 years for someone to get off their ass and make a documentary about the greatest basketball team ever assembled, the 1992 Dream Team.  In order to maximize the effectiveness of the doc, Chuck Barkley should narrate.  If he’s not, I’ll be thoroughly disappointed right off the bat.

Thought #7: Whatever genius had the totally rad idea of having Stephen A. Smith act as an intermediary for Sportscenter fans during the cross promotion of the upcoming film Prometheus, f*ck you pal.  I was excited to see that.  Associating with Stephen A. Smith is never a good idea.  If you have a second round of ads featuring Skip Bayless I’m driving the 3000 miles to Bristol, gallantly puffing my chest to the decision makers at ESPN, and getting my whine/snivel on.

Official statement from Stephen A. Smith: “ACTUALLY, I can ruin more than SPORTS TALK. I can smother Hollywood BLOCKbusters with my stink, TOO. #holla”

Thought #8: Great news amigos.  I discovered the first benefit associated with Heat home games.  Baby, aka “Birdman”, aka “The Numba One Stunna”, (of the Cash Money Millionnaires crew, duh) sits courtside.  Some yuppie Miami socialite probably shit himself when the usher guided him to his seat.

Thought #9: Mike Wilbon just mentioned during the halftime show that a friend in attendance texted him saying that the crowd is acting like this is the French Open.  Magic offers a justification that “they sense the tension” and the importance of the game.  As if the same can’t be said for Boston’s, San Antonio’s, and Oklahoma City’s fans, who are all very, very loud.  But in comes Chris Broussard to the rescue, by pointing out that Miami is “not the best crowd in the league”.  Let us not forget, the Miami Heat had to start a promotional campaign (“Fan Up Miami!”) to get the fans excited for games, to which they got fussy. 

Heat: “Fan Up Miami! We’ve got LeBron, Wade and Bosh now! Wheeeee!”
Fans: “Don’t tell me to fan up you big jerks!”
Heat: “OK, fine.”
Crickets living in American Airlines Arena: “Thank goodness! Our voices will still be heard!”

Thought #10: I’ve waited a long time for this, and finally someone has answered my prayers.  During casting for its newest commercial, Sprint found the black Napoleon Dynamite.


Thought #11: Mickael Pietrus is one of the most frustrating players to watch in the league.  He can have an absurd turnover, get called for an illegal screen, have a great steal, turn it over again, then hit a backbreaking 3 all in the span of 2 minutes.  I don’t even like Boston, and it still drives me nuts.

Thought #12: So Mr. Rondo has had a turrrible shooting game.  But he’s still having an impact on the game, especially when it counts most.  Hussle plays galore with this guy (poking a loose ball to Pietrus for 3, rebounding his own miss and putting it back, getting another loose ball resulting in a Garnett jumper that put the Celts up 1).  He’s certainly sensing the tension.  He just has the complete opposite reaction of the Heat crowd.

Thought #13: Pop quiz!  You know what the most anticipated movie in years is?  Prometheus.  A Hollywood advertising agency just said so.

Thought #14: Pietrus just had a shameless flop, got Mario Chalmers T’d up in the process, and Jeff Van Gundy is beside himself.  JVG hoots and hollers about Pietrus needing to be fined ONE MILLION DOLLARS!  I hate flopping more than anything.  That said, the Chalmers technical probably wouldn’t have happened if he didn’t bitch at the refs all game and complain about obvious fouls.  Methinks if he kept his mouth shut, there wouldn’t have been a tech called.  But se la vie.  It’s not like JVG was complaining about Chalmers’ shenanigans earlier in the game, and pontificating on the possible late-game repercussions of partaking in the aforementioned shenanigans.  Oh…wait…

Thought #15: Less than 2 minutes left, the Heat down 2, and yet…no sign of life from the crowd.  The PA just started a “Let’s Go Heat” chant to help them out.  Christ almighty meng.  You guys are all familiar with what the supposed benefit of having home court advantage is, right?

Thought #16: Less than a minute left, Heat looking to comeback, and the PA just had to start his second “Let’s Go Heat” chant to get the crowd going.

Thought #17: The refs are about to break the backs of the Heat by ruling that Udonis Haslem knocked the ball out of bounds, so it will be Celtics ball.  JVG believes that the crowd will come “unglued” if the call is overturned.  Not so sure of that homey.  I’m thinking it will be more like David Putty’s reaction when he found out he was going to hell.

Final Thoughts: Celts win and go up 3-2 in the series.  MVP’s of the game are Garnett and Rondo (who shot like shit, but always seemed to make a play when it was needed most).  MVP’s from the crowd were The Numba One Stunna and the kid that yelled “Good Job!  Good Effort!” to the Heat players as they left the court after the loss. 

Until next time amigos, I’m out.

Goin’, Goin’, Back, Back, to Cali, Cali: Assessing the Sporting Landscape of Los Angeles

“Oh my dazzling hubby…how I’ve missed your unending wit, your machismo, your muscular physique, and the creative liberties you take when describing yourself.”

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.  Thank you for asking.  Minor highlights include: using my new Weber grill for the first time, barbequing some stank ass pre-marinated steak from Trader Joe’s (as I do), running/biking for the first time in 6 weeks, then negating every positive effect this would have on my body composition by oinking out on fried foods and getting hammered drunk, because I’m a grown ass man.

It’s okay, this is socially acceptable because I worked out today.

The big highlight, though, was that I got to go home for the first time in a couple of weeks, and graced the greater Los Angeles area with my presence.  If you’ve perused the About Me section of this blog, you know I’m married, and thus anytime I can return to my lovely wifey, that’s a good thing.  Working 1,000 miles away from my better half is no picnic, amigos, and when I’m away it leads to a bunch of down time & the need to distract myself.  Hence the blog. 

As for the city of LA, when I was paying enough attention one thing was very clear: the sporting landscape is in a tizzy.  Let’s assess, shall we?

Thought #1: The city suddenly recognizes hockey as a sport, and everyone is now a Kings fan.

For quite some time now I have remained steadfast in one opinion of the Los Angeles sports scene: Kings games are above and beyond the best events to attend live.  Strangely enough, them making the Stanley Cup Finals could potentially throw a wrench into my opinion.  Contrary to popular opinion, every Los Angeles club has a diehard following.  It’s just that the Lakers (and now the Clippers) have been ahead of the curve in pricing out the diehards, and catering to indifferent yuppies that cheer cautiously, lest they wish to turn into a GIF for actually showing emotion

With the success of the Kings, I fear that the club may head in that direction starting next season.  Whether they win or lose the Cup, let’s hope the bandwagoners jump ship quickly.  It’s also important to note that the diehards don’t particularly care for the reputation that the yuppies have bestowed upon them, and any opinionated out-of-Staters (like me) are subject to ridicule for poking fun.  After living in the area for so long, I’m due for a confrontation with the diehards, in which they sit me down and speak their collective minds.  I know how it’ll go.  I’ve accepted it.

Thought #2: The Lakers being ousted from the playoffs is all Pau Gasol’s fault.

Hey everyone!  It’s Los Angeles’ fave scapegoat!  I’m not gonna defend Pau’s play or anything, but every year the Lakers don’t win the championship, the same thing happens: everyone blames all players not named Kobe, and start yapping about franchise altering trades that have to be done.  Last year on a post game studio broadcast Lisa Leslie and Michael Cooper discussed the need for acquiring Chris Paul and Dwight Howard.  In their scenarios they gave up “one of their stars” (Pau Gasol), dumped salary (Ron Artest), and added a throw-in (Steve Blake).  (IMPORTANT NOTE: they believed this would net them both CP3 and D12).  So they would end up with a top 4 of CP3, Kobe, Howard and Bynum.  They really mean this when they say it.  They don’t pay attention to nit-picky things like “trade value” or “salary cap implications”.  Get ready for more trade “rumors” to be leaked from LA.  They’ll somehow have themselves trading for Dwight Howard and signing Deron Williams, while only giving up Gasol and a handful of backups.  Guaranteed. 

Thought #3: Vinny Del Negro had his option picked up for next season, which means the sky is falling.

In fairness, the sky should be falling.  We’re talking about the Clippers, bozos.  They had a good season this past year, which means they’re due for several seasons of disappointments.  That’s just how the universe works.  All I have to say about Vinny is that I don’t care.  Maybe he’s a lousy coach, maybe he’s not the right man for the job, but none of that matters.  I’ve spent the past several months wondering who he looks like.  Sometimes I think Luke Wilson.  Other times I think Daniel Baldwin.  I could never pinpoint it.  It was infuriating.  Twenty years ago, we’d never have a definitive answer.  But now, I can just take to the internet and see what a Luke Wilson/Daniel Baldwin baby would look like.  Thank goodness for the internet. 

It’s just math really. 50% Luke Wilson + 50% Daniel Baldwin = 100% Vinny Del Negro. #Science

Final thoughts: On tap for the week – more playoff games and even more importantly, the NBA Draft Lottery.  I’ve gone over this in my head several times, and with the Blazers poised to get two potential lottery picks, I can’t think of a scenario in which I’m NOT screaming and/or crying.  But will it be out of dismay or exhilaration?  Time will tell amigos.  Time will tell.

Starting the Weekend Early: Discussing Elite Athlete V-Cards, Buffalo Wings & Fair Weather Fans

Happy Friday amigos.  It’s 2:00-ish and a long weekend awaits.  If you’re reading this, you’re at work, so I have one question for you:

Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Hey, I’m not at work…I read this in my spare time!”  If that’s the case, then shame on you.  Keep that to yourself.  If your personal life includes reading two-bit blogs about complete and utter nonsense then you should seriously reexamine your priorities in life.  Go outside, shoot some hoops, ride a bike, take part in a flash mob, go get laid, whatever.  This blog is strictly intended for procrastination purposes.  Example: it’s 2:00-ish, and it’s Friday.  What should I be doing? 

Your valiant blogger has NEVER failed a Procrastination Test. #TeamNoBozo

So, here are a couple end o’ the week thoughts to get the weekend started:

Thought #1: LoLo Jones’ V-Card

A couple of things about LoLo for those of you who are not “in the know”.  She’s  an Olympic hurdler.  She’s a looker (in a ripped, “I can kick the shit out of you” kinda way).  And she just acknowledged in an interview that she’s a 29 year old virgin.  Naturally, some are suggesting that she hook up with everyone’s fave champion of virginity, Tim Tebow.  If that happened, it would probably be the most spastic and awkward hookup of all time. 

Tim: “Ew.” LoLo: “Ouch! Tim, you’re hurting me.”
Tim: “NUH-UH. YOU are hurting ME!” LoLo: “Hey, I think you’re supposed to go slower.”
Tim: “NUH-UH. You’re supposed to go fast. Go big or go home.” LoLo: “Can we just dry hump instead?”
Tim: “YES. Go put your jeans on. #Winning.”

Thought #2: Buffalo Wings on Memorial Day

I’m back in California to spend some time with my wifey during the long weekend.  A Buffalo Wild Wings opened 0.4 miles from our apartment, which means I pretty much have to go.  I’m just assuming it’s a lot like Hooters except without the main draw for going to Hooters in the first place (wink wink).

Look, all I want are some greasy D-grade Buffalo Wings. I don’t care what my server looks like, okay?!

Thought #3: Did you know that everyone in Los Angeles is a Kings fan now?

I have no words.  Just…ugh. 

Question: “Hey, who’s your favorite sports team?”
Answer(s), listed in order from December 1st, 2011 to now: “Lakers, Angels, Clippers, Dodgers, Clippers, Lakers, Kings.”

Thought #4: A goal for all of you this weekend

It’s Memorial Day weekend.  It’s okay to BBQ, get crunked, have fun and enjoy your day off.   But all joking aside, if you’re out & about and encounter a veteran this weekend, shake his or her hand.  Buy them a beer.  Buy their movie ticket.  On Monday we honor the fallen, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take the opportunity to thank those still with us. 

Have a good weekend bozos.  Until next time.

Pacers/Heat: Game 5 – A Grown Ass Man Sorts Through the Rubble

“You are a choke artist LeBron. You missed one free throw in the third quarter of a game. After you find out that I think this, I bet you don’t lead the Heat to two straight wins, and average 35PPG, 14RPG, and 9APG in the process. My name is Lance, by the way.”

When you’re bored you kinda become a one-trick pony. But here’s the thing about one-trick ponies: at least they’re halfway decent at something.

As for me? I’m not even a one-trick pony. But I like to pretend that I’m arguably decent at mind-bogglingly senseless half-baked blogs about the NBA Playoffs. Normally I’d get drunk, maybe track my BAC %, and live blog the thoughts. But it’s Tuesday, amigos. I can’t be getting crunked and live blog at the beginning of the work week. So instead, I opted to watch tonight’s Pacers/Heat game with my old pal Mike, got buzzed on Costco pizza, came home, and decided it was high time to SPEAK MY MIND about this series. Because obviously, when there’s a tense series full of trash talk and flagrant fouls, with the Conference Finals at stake, only one person’s thoughts matter: this guy’s.

Chunk’s Revenge resident NBA expert on all things not-basketball.

If you’ve read these running NBA posts before and don’t care for them, let me give you a word of advice: jump ship. Like right…meow.

The rest of you’s…shall we?

Thought #1: When TNT cut away from the studio, the first shot they showed was one of those side by side “showdown” shots that had very fierce looking pics of Danny Granger and LeBron James. Granger’s fierce face, to put it lightly, needs some work. It’s the exact same face I used to make when I was a wiener little kindergartner pretending to be the big bad wolf (make believe games were the only times I could fantasize about being a tough guy – some things just never change). I actually like Danny Granger, but looking at that pic didn’t make me think about a rough and rugged series. It was a reminder that this series is ripe with studio gangstas.

LeBron: “What the heck, you big bully! You knocked off my headband!”
Granger: “That’s just how Los Lobos of UNM do things, pal! Step to the real!”

Thought #2: Somewhere along the line each home crowd started wearing matching colored t-shirts. Everyone wore red for the Clippers, blue for the Thunder, yellow for the Pacers, and so on. Miami wears white. Of course. Most of them aren’t even wearing t-shirts. Whoever runs marketing for the Heat is just a genius and realized that rather than making thousands of matching t-shirts (that would be given to each fan for free), they just announced that everyone should wear white.  They’re all going to the clubs anyways, so it’s only natural to pre-funk in club attire: white linen button-up/sport coat/Affliction brand tees.

Heat games: a Miami pre-party hotspot during May and June.

Thought #3: Udonis Haslem had a nice moment. He sought vengeance on behalf of Dwayne Wade’s face and every Duke basketball fans ego by basically punching Tyler Hansbrough in the face. No ejection though. Which would be fine by me but I’m pretty sure the NBA turned into a pretty pussy league after RonRon Artest got a beer thrown on him a few years ago (and, you know, beat up a fan in Detroit and incited the biggest riot in NBA history).

“It has come to my attention that during play, Lance Stephenson called Juwan Howard a butthead and in a senseless act of retaliation, Juwan pinched Lance’s nipple. They have been fined $50,000 apiece. There is no place in the game for such chicanery and thuggery.”

Thought #4: So…about that LeBron James. I’ve never seen the best living basketball player be so motivated by slights of role players or flat-out no name bench warmers. Jordan kind of did this, but he really went after everyone, especially if he felt like a guy was trying to challenge his throne (including my boy Clyde “The Glide” Drexler). LeBron doesn’t puff his chest when other superstars question his game (like Kobe during the All Star Game). He gets motivated when Anthony Tolliver makes a funny YouTube video spoofing “The Decision” or when Lance Stephenson (if you just said “who?” you’re not the only one) makes a choking gesture in his direction after a missed free throw.

Thought #5: Fun fact about Lance Stephenson. His brother’s first name is “Lantz”. You can’t make this stuff up.

Thought #6: My brother and I were talking and he brought up a good point. Since LeBron will always be associated with the infamous “bringing my talents to South Beach” comment, shouldn’t he just own it? Like after their Game 4 win in Indiana he was asked “what’s next” for the team. Why not just respond, “Well, we just gotta take it one game at a time. Now we gotta take our talents back to South Beach and try to put our best foot forward in Game 5”. He should be saying that same line at least fifty times a year. I would hope that he’s trademarked the phrase by now.

Reporter: “LeBron, you’ve done a lot of work for the Boys and Girls Club recently, care to comment on that?”
LeBron: “Well, it’s all about the kids. We gotta keep improving though. Me and my team will just have to take our talents to South Beach, regroup, and and see how we can keep up the good work.”

Thought #7: Good news everyone. Adam Sandler has a new movie coming out. Andy Samberg is in it. Hijinks will ensue.

Thought #8: Teaming Shaq with Charles Barkley in the TNT studio has led to some growing pains in Shaq’s new career. Everyone always assumed Shaq was a witty character, and would be a natural in studio banter. But his wit was showcased during his playing days, and honestly, he wasn’t always that funny. Just funny from time to time. Teaming him with Chuck, who’s always on, exposed that maybe he isn’t as funny as we all thought he was. Maybe he’ll be okay. But he’ll have to accept that in terms of humor, he’ll always be second banana to the Chuckster.

Shaq: “…then he said do you love me, and she said no…but that’s a really nice ski mask!”

Thought #9: Among its cast of characters, the forgotten member of this TNT crew is Mr. Ernie Johnson. It’s not just that he’s the glue guy, the one person that keeps the studio banter on course (somewhat). It’s that he’s the prototype for the uptight awkward white guy. The other guys recognize this, and try to put him on the spot from time to time. Side note: my fave moment in the past couple of days –Shaq (during one of his good moments) went in for a high five with Ernie but held up the backside of his hand and said, “hit me with the black side”. Ernie complied, but not before giggling oddly, making a sound that can’t be spelled. If I were to try, it would be “kheee!”, probably while spitting a little. I pointed this out to my pal Mike, and he came up with the perfect comparison. Ernie Johnson is “Brandt” from The Big Lebowski. I had been trying to put my finger on who he reminded me of. Now I can die in peace.

Thought #10: Spoiler alert, the game got out of hand. Thoughts on that later.

Thought #11: I told myself that since I’ve already mentioned her during both of my NBA Playoff blogs that I wouldn’t do it again. But I can’t help it. Zooey Deschanel’s Siri commercial got me thinking yet again. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to ask Siri if it’s raining? It clearly is. I get that the whole purpose of the ad is to show how lazy she’s being (because it’s so cute and oddball of her) but come on. You’re wasting your data plan, Zooey. That’s just reckless. There was a time when I thought we could be BFF’s. But now I’m not so sure. There can only be one lazy person in any friendship. And I call dibs bitch.

Thought #12: Pacers lose control to end the first half, get rocked in the third, and the Heat never looked back. Somewhere, David Stern is rejoicing. The Western Conference Finals will be featuring the 36th and 44th largest television markets. If Indiana were to advance, he might just croak. Before you go thinking that’s a good thing, just remember, Adam Silver is next in line for the commish spot.

“Come on Pacers…ol’ Adam is ready to take the reigns…”

Post Navigation