Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Lance Armstrong Ruins “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” For Future Generations

The hits just keep coming for Lance Armstrong.

Just days removed from losing all of his endorsement deals, including Nike, Trek, and Oakley, a spokesperson for 20th Century Fox announced that all copies of the 2004 smash hit Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story would be incinerated.

“In light of the overwhelming evidence that Lance Armstrong doped before and after the filming of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, all proof that this film ever existed will be burnt and sent straight to hell,” said the spokesperson.

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story was celebrated for its booming success, and showered with award nominations, including two for Ben Stiller (who was nominated for both a “Best Comedic Performance Award” at the 2005 MTV Movie Awards while simultaneously being nominated for “Worst Actor” at the 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards).

In his 2005 nomination for “Worst Actor” at the Golden Raspberries, Mr. Stiller was also recognized for his work in – Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Along Came Polly, Envy, and Starsky & Hutch

Critics of 20th Century Fox’s decision have questioned why they are going out of their way to disassociate with Armstrong when they don’t have to. Unlike Nike and Oakley, 20th Century Fox has no contractual agreement with Armstrong.

“Mr. Armstrong’s involvement in the film was brief, but critical, as it was his inspirational speech to Peter LeFleur that convinced him to rejoin the Average Joe’s and take on the ever dominant Globo-Gym dodgeball team. We now know that Mr. Armstrong’s heathenous ways made a mockery of the climactic scene of a film that was otherwise flawless cinematic genius.”

But why destroy all evidence of the film’s existence?

“The International Cycling Union couldn’t have made their wishes any clearer.”

On October 22nd, 2012, Pat McQuaid, President of the International Cycling Union, made it clear that he would like Mr. Armstrong’s achievements to be forever forgotten, stating: “Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling and he deserves to be forgotten in cycling.”

But why would 20th Century Fox adhere to such a vague request?

Said the spokesperson, “Come on. It’s the International Cycling Union. They are the single most influential and moral governing body in the history of the world. Besides, he’s Pat Fucking McQuaid. When Pat Fucking McQuaid tells you to jump, you jump.”

An anonymous Hollywood insider outlines the problem as follows: “The studio is adhering to Pat McQuaid’s wishes, as they should – because you know…he’s Pat Fucking McQuaid. And the movie doesn’t work without the Lance scene. Reshooting it eight years later would be difficult because of the effects of Vince Vaughn’s aging process. Maybe they could use visual effects, CGI, stuff like that, but even then, who would play Lance’s role? Who could possibly inspire Peter LeFleur – a character who has been so thoroughly defeated – who could inspire him to come back stronger than before? The studio has given up hope in finding such an inspiration.”

One fanatic of the film believes he has found a solution.

“Replace him with Metta World Peace,” says Gaveen, a wildly successful blogger whose business card states:

Gaveen – Editor at Http://ChunksRevenge.Wordpress.Com – Businessman – Graduate of Mrs. Anderson’s Musical Kindergarten (Class of 1987) – A Very Nice Guy

When confronted with the fact that Metta World Peace might not be an ideal candidate due to his past transgressions, Gaveen huffily stated, “Fine. Use Ben Roethlisberger. Or Michael Vick. I don’t care. But just watch this clip. And tell me that it wouldn’t be the most hilarious thing ever to watch a Metta World Peace version of this speech.”

And with that, Gaveen turned his back, threw a red feathered boa over his shoulder, and gallantly glanced back over his shoulder, to make deep, dramatic eye contact – the way only a fabulously dressed, husky, balding man could. Then he stated, “Nuff said,” and pranced his fat ass out the door.

Sources for this story: the author’s brain after several alcoholic beverages, while watching cable television and reading for far too long.


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2 thoughts on “Lance Armstrong Ruins “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” For Future Generations

  1. William on said:

    how about Pete Rose? I know it doesn’t make sense…but just think about it for an alternative ending

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