Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

The Random Rambling of a Dumbass

On a day like today, just one thing comes to mind: Time to get shitfaced.

Wassup ya big bozos.

Allow me to paint you a picture. It’s a beautiful autumn Saturday. The sun is out, the birds are chirping, my dad’s in the den watching The Green Mile on full blast and I’m partying in the kitchen by myself like I’m at the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer. As I was playing the game “Am I being awesome or am I a pathetic loser?” (basically my fave question to ask myself), it occurred to me: September is nearly over, and I’ve only done one blog post so far this month. What. A. Dumbass. Let’s rectify this unfortunate situation and pretend it never happened.

Thought #1: I got drunk last weekend and tweeted some very nasty, angry comments to Roger Goodell and did it in ALL CAPS TO RELAY JUST HOW ANGRY I WAS ABOUT THE REFEREE LOCKOUT. I’m not proud of that, but in fairness, I was in a very crabby mood. And that was before the Seahawks/Packers fiasco. The refs are back this weekend (yay!) which means I need to find a new person to yell at on Twitter when I’m feeling crabby.

Thought #2: Here’s how my mom and dad explained me as an athlete to my wife – “He was pretty good at a lot of things, but wasn’t great at anything.” This was meant to be a sincere compliment and I was quite smug about the kudos I was given until I started writing this sentence. Regardless, is that quote tombstone-worthy? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.

Chunk’s Revenge fully endorses mediocrity.


Thought #3: I’m at an age where parties are more of a hassle than anything. When I was a kid I remember this group of girls that were obsessed with growing up, and they even started pronouncing “mature” in a very arrogant and obnoxious way. Those kind of people still exist, and their method in “growing up” is throwing themed parties with bowties and wine and cheese and pretending they’re cultured by talking about how they read The Hunger Games while ignoring that bragging about reading The Hunger Games is like me bragging about owning every Calvin & Hobbes book (which I do…in your face). That said, I can’t turn down party invitations just to avoid the occasional bonehead, lest I wish to create the appearance of being a social outcast.

So. New plan. I’ll go to these parties. Even adhere to the dress code. But my goal is going to be acting like this:

I made this comment to my boy Endo, and he said he didn’t like the idea. He loved it. He then summarized it perfectly: “Everyone knows about ‘Tom Cruise on Oprah’ crazy. But we’re more ‘Mark McGrath on The Wendy Williams Show’ crazy.”


Have a good weekend amigos. I’ll catch ya in October.


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