Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

College Football Previewing: Penance to TV Karma Lords, Fussily Justifying My Oregon Duck Fandom, and Barfing on Michigan

As penance for past wrong-doings, please accept this picture, television karma lords.

Karma bit me in the ass in a bad way yesterday morning, amigos. After posting about Breaking Bad (in a post during which I went to great lengths to avoid spoilers, and went so far as to tell readers to stop when I felt that the slightest bit of spoilery would be touched upon) some bozo clown Facebook friend of mine gave away the ending of the last episode. I couldn’t watch it live two nights ago, so I DVR’d it and came home to watch it during my lunch break yesterday…but the ending was already given away. I don’t think I deserved the spoiler. But after taking a good four hours to cool my head I recognized that I violated the first line of the post: “Talking about Breaking Bad in public is a big fucking no-no.” I suppose that even without spoilers included in the write up, I kinda had that coming. Karma told me so yesterday morning. So from now on, no Breaking Bad talk. I’m sorry Karma! I won’t do it again!

Chunk’s Revenge longs for the day in which it lived in perfect karmic harmony with spoiler free television.

Now I’ll just stick to what I do best, writing about standard bozo things. Shall we?

Today’s post:
Oh hey there pals. Say, I have some great news for ya’s! Football season is just around the corner. Football and Basketball are 1A and 1B on my fave sports to watch, in no particular order. It just kinda depends on the time of year. The NFL officially starts next week. But first…college ball.

As a diehard Oregon Ducks fan, this time of year presents a particularly obnoxious thematic issue I’ve been subjected to over the past few years. It can most easily be relayed through a joke my pal Steve, born and raised an Oregon State Beavers fan and OSU alum, told me yesterday. It goes as so:

Beaver fan: “Who’s your favorite team?”
Duck fan: “The Ducks!”
Beaver fan: “Where’d you go to school?”
Duck fan: “A small liberal arts school in California.”

This grinds my gears because of the obvious. I went to a small liberal arts school in California. So since the rise of Oregon’s program, I spend a fair amount of time every year justifying why I should be considered a legitimate fan. Suddenly, it occurred to me. I don’t need to answer to these clowns. I was born into a family of Ducks, and I’m that black sheep bastard of the family that did not graduate from the University of Oregon – the only member of my immediate family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) with that designation. If you grow up a fan of a particular team, my feeling is you don’t just stop being a fan because you went to school somewhere else. Just because I’ve lived my entire adult life in Los Angeles doesn’t mean I need to give up on being a Trail Blazers fan and switch allegiances to the Lakers or Clippers.

Starting this conversation will surely result in me getting some unfounded ribbing from my friends that like to get me all riled up. But I’m not biting bozos! Not anymore!

That said, I realize how much fun it is to make fun of bandwagon fans, so I figured out an easy way to figure out who’s for real and who’s just in it for the fast paced offense and colorful jerseys of today.

Here’s the lone question to determine whether or not a supposed Duck fan is a lifelong fan: “Do you know who Kenny Wheaton is?”

Any self respecting Duck fan will not only answer “yes”. They’ll tell you who he is, why you’re asking the question and what he did. If they can’t answer, they’re a bandwagoner. Or maybe a casual fan. Sorry for leaving you high and dry, casual fans. You’re on your own in justifying your fandom though.

If you still can’t place who Kenny Wheaton is after looking at this pic, then you were probably a USC fan in the early-mid 2000’s…you big bozo bandwagoner.

As for other football hijinks, let’s break down the coming season. We’ll stick to the college game today. Pro stuff will be posted later this week (maybe).

Thought #1: LSU and/or Alabama will play in the National Championship Game

Nick Saban: “Hello, fartface.”
Les Miles: “I’m NOT a fartface! “YOU are the fartface!”
Chunk’s Revenge: “Boys, boys! Take it easy. You’re both fartfaces.”

Fans of schools in the SEC root for their preferred teams first, the rest of the SEC teams are a close second. For the shitty teams in the league, I liken this to a towel boy taunting everyone else in the world when “his team” goes onto great things. This is annoying. Also, I can’t stand Les Miles and Nick Saban. I can’t adequately relay this point enough…and yet I don’t care to go into specifics because I’m not sure I have any. They’re just douchebags, okay? All of this adds up to one thing: an SEC team will play in, and probably win, another National Championship. As a fan, I hate to admit this, but it’s true. If you wanna win big on the gambling circuit, find the teams I root for and bet against them. “Shorting” those squads will surely pay dividends. Another certainty? Find the teams I can’t stand and bet in favor of them. The Sports Karma Lords of the universe seem hell-bent on taunting me (see: The Miami Heat, the recent success of Boston franchises, and every SEC championship over the last 10 years).

Thought #2: I will be a sad and bitter man on November 3rd

Oregon plays at USC on this day. I’m not anticipating good things, for yours truly. Some may view this as some sort of half-baked “reverse-jinx” or something, but really it’s not. Wanna know why? The reason is two-fold: 1). I can’t stand USC. 2). My wife and her family are all diehard Trojan fans. If the Ducks lose, not only will I be upset over the loss against a rival, but also I’ll be subjected to ridicule from most everyone I know in Southern California. Plus, any so-called “reverse-jinx” is negated by the karma that insists on punching me in the face, as outlined in Thought #1. At best, the jinxing/karma Lords are even, and I’m still not liking the odds.

Even in a loss, I’ll look for a consolation prize in order to fend off the taunting of Trojan fans. Here it is: UO cheerleaders >; USC cheerleaders. (Note: will Chunk’s Revenge actually be so petty as to resort to discussing cheer squads? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.)

Thought #3: Michigan and “Shoelace” Robinson…ha!

My pal Endo pointed this out. Many talking heads are yapping incessantly about Michigan making some noise this season, led by their star QB Denard “Shoelace” Robinson. For starters, no. Secondly, they aren’t even the best team in the Big Ten. Thirdly, as Endo pointed out, everyone is conveniently glossing over the fact that they play Alabama in their season opener. If I were to pick the lesser of two evils, I’d want Alabama to lose. But that’s just not gonna happen. If it were to miraculously happen then there would still be an SEC school looming as a favored National Champion, and even more clamoring about Michigan’s return to glory. Everybody still loses.

If you haven’t noticed, I sincerely hope that I’m incorrect in all three of my predictions. But if I’m being honest, as of right now, that’s what I’m prepping for. I like to live by the credo of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Problem is, nobody should be a full out “hater”. And since I am, I’m more often than not punished for my hateration.

That said, football – especially college football – is a tricky thing to predict. So there’s only one sure thing as the season approaches: expect the return of my live-drunk-blogging concept from the NBA Playoffs. That’s the only method I can think of that will keep my sanity in check, because I’m a grown man, and that’s what grown men do.


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