Final Olympic Thoughts: Ryan Lochte Cramping My Style, a Mea Culpa to Marta Menegatti, Pervy Cameramen, & a Microsoft Paint Picture
Look here, bozos. I know the Olympics have been over for a few days, so talking more about Olympic things is just downright NONSENSE and I should just move on and not do any more posts on the matter. But I was out of town (“off the grid” so to speak) for the conclusion of the Olympics, and then spent the past three days slowly de-bloating and sobering up from a raucous time deep in the Arizona desert. So tending to this blog just wasn’t gonna happen. I can’t blog when I’m hungover and feel fat. As a grown ass man I shouldn’t tell you these things, but Chunk’s Revenge is all about KEEPIN IT REAL, so there will be no apologies. I just don’t like writing when I feel fat, okay?
That said, I won’t make this long. The Olympics are over and the shorter I make this, the sooner we can move on with our lives. Here are 3 random thoughts from the 2012 Games:
1). Ryan Lochte’s cramping my style
Ryan Lochte went from “so hot right now”, to officially unseating Michael Phelps as the greatest swimmer alive, to being exposed for being a bit of a douchebag, to “disappointing” everyone with “just” 5 medals (and only 2 golds…he’s no Phelps…pfft!), to being exposed as a more than just a douchebag, but more of a frat boy dumbass. Look: the guy is an Olympian, and a very good one to boot. But here are my thoughts:
a). In the douchebag article I linked to above (an absolute must read if you haven’t already), it was brought to my attention that Lochte has a catchphrase. What it is: “Jeah!”
Dude… I say “jeah”. When I found this out, and discovered that saying it was tainted forever, I felt like Milhouse when some goon from Shelbyville stole the word “radical”.
b). I’m not going to pretend to know all that much about Ryan Lochte, and I’m not a total fanboy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High or anything, but you cannot tell me that Ryan Lochte doesn’t remind you of Spicoli. Like if Spicoli had a little brother that was blessed as a great swimmer, trained hard, wasn’t quite so obvious about being a pothead, and was constantly being coached about how to interact with the media. Listen to Ryan Lochte. He’s fucking Spicoli. Mind you, this isn’t an insult. I actually kinda like him more now.
2). A couple weeks back I posted a little write up of the babes of the Olympics, and did this cutesy little schtick in which I incorporated horrendously failed pickup lines from my college days. Why did I do it like that? Well, this blog is nothing if it isn’t completely all over the place and at times downright confusing. That’s just what I do. That said, by the time I waltzed on down that rabbit hole of using old pickup lines I got tired of doing it and didn’t much care to continue my search for total babe athletes. During a beach volleyball match, I realized I completely wiffed on arguably the hottest babe of the Olympics. Italian beach volleyballer, Marta Menegatti.
Let me just say this on her exclusion from my original list: I’M SORRY. I would go into a long winded justification but it would just take too long. Believe me, I just deleted like 1,000 words of apologies to Marta…and to you too, gentle reader, for failing you. Just trust me on this. I haven’t apologized so profusely since I lost my virginity.
3). Shall we jam a few basketball thoughts into one bullet point? You bet!
– Great showing in the tournament by Nic Batum after signing a $46,000,000 contract with the Blazers. We got the typical Batum (flashes of brilliance then disappearing for quarters at a time) and the new RICH MAN Batum (not playing great, not leaving an impact when it mattered most, punching a competitor in the nuts when the game was out of reach, then somehow trying to justify it post-game because the Spaniards were basically being punks, while ignoring the fact that he was the biggest punk of all…and a loser to boot). Nic: I know it’s your home country and all, but quit acting so FRENCH.
– LeBron James. Just…Jesus Christ. I’m sorry for ever doubting you.
– Kudos to the cameramen during the games for zooming up on babes in the crowd. In the zoom ups, you either got a shot of a babe or a total bozo. Both good things. They really upped the ante during the Lithuania game when zooming up on babes. They found a young lady eating a banana, and kept the shot on her for an extended period while she chewed before cutting away when she didn’t take another bite. Good show fellas. You may act like that was an innocent act. But I know what you were doing.
Until next time amigos, I’m out.