NFL Prepping: MoJo’s Last Stand, Jeff Ireland’s Guide To Dumping Someone, Getting Beaten In Fantasy Football By Girls & Making Vegans Fussy
When I started this here blog the intent was to spit out the ranting thoughts of a dumbass with borderline ADHD and keep the word count to a minimum. I can’t focus on a blog/column for more than 750 words, so why should I expect anyone else to. Somewhere along the line this turned into an absolute clusterfuck. We’re goin’ back to the drawing board, amigos. Let’s keep this one tight. The irony, of course, is I just wasted 93 words apologizing before even starting my first NFL post of the season.
Thought #1: MoJo’s Last Stand
I still call Maurice Jones Drew “MoJo” because it’s more fun to say than MJD. He’s holding out and in a bit of a tiff with the Jags over a new contract (obvi). The aforementioned tiff escalated significantly after the Jaguars new owner, Shahid Khan, made some comment along the lines of “The train’s leaving. Get on or get off.” Because that’s totes the thing to say to the media about a team captain that’s carried your team for several years. Whenever I think of NFL owners I imagine them being some incarnation of Jerry Jones. Especially when they say tough guy things about trains leaving. When I first heard the quote, I shrugged it off as a rich wannabe tough guy being a bozo. Then I saw what Khan actually looked like. Now I just find it all kinds of awesome. This is the exact kinda guy I wanna challenge to a friendly battle of wits. My preferred topic: Trickle-down Economic Theory in the United States. Your move Khan. Accept or decline!
Thought #2: “The Lost Art of Breaking Up Like a Fucking Bozo”, by Jeff Ireland
The Miami Dolphins are featured in this season’s Hard Knocks, and last Tuesday we were treated to the mastery of GM Jeff Ireland when crushing a player with the news he had just been traded. The abbreviated version of his conversation with cornerback Vontae Davis:
Ireland: You’ve been traded to Indianapolis.
Davis: Oh. I need to call my grandma.
Ireland: No. Let me tell you why.
Ireland: You’ve been too up and down. That doesn’t work for us.
Davis: Oh…who’d you trade me for?
Ireland: Couple of draft picks. (Davis stares at him, shocked.) Yep. Couple of draft picks.
Davis: Okay. (Gets up to leave ASAP)
Ireland: Wait! Stop. I seriously think you’re a nice guy.
Davis: Okay. Thanks.
Ireland (who gets out of his chair to stop Davis again): Wait! Stop. It’s just that you’re soooo inconsistent. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I think this is best for everyone.
Basically, Ireland broke up with him three times in two minutes. It was the most inefficient/offensive breakup ever. For his wife’s sake, I hope he never asks for a divorce. He’ll talk about how she’s a great person while detailing her shortcomings and won’t let her leave the room in an attempt to make her understand his decision, all while piling on more.
Thought #3: Offensive Player of the Year – LeSean McCoy
A couple of years back I invited my wife to join my newly formed Fantasy league in the hopes that she’d learn that it’s crazily addictive, and she’d stop asking why I was so involved in every game from Thursday through Monday. The good news, it worked. The bad news, I created a monster and three years later she walks into each draft party with the kind of swagger that hasn’t been seen since the 1986-1987 Miami Hurricanes showed up for the Fiesta Bowl. Making matters worse: she has a tendency to beat me, and always makes a better pick than me in the first round. She got LeSean McCoy this year, which pretty much means he’ll dominate this season.
Thought #4: Ben Tate will be a Top 5 RB this year, and best Arian Foster in every relevant statistic
Look – I know Arian Foster’s good and he seems like an interesting guy. My issue is he became a vegan in the offseason. Now, I was born and raised in Portland and therefore grew up appreciating the vegan lifestyle. If you’re a vegan, then kudos to you. Problem is, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my prized #1 running back made such a decision. Being vegan is just dandy. It’s just not ideal for a guy getting pummeled by 300 pound men while he carries the rock 25 times a game. He’s already injury prone and his new lifestyle isn’t gonna help in terms of on-the-field production.
The vegans may judge me. But seriously guys, screw you. Quit being so judgmental.