Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

NFL Prepping: MoJo’s Last Stand, Jeff Ireland’s Guide To Dumping Someone, Getting Beaten In Fantasy Football By Girls & Making Vegans Fussy

Introducing the single greatest NFL mind West of the Willamette River, South of Burnside Street, between the ages of 28 and 30, who is legally unemployed.

When I started this here blog the intent was to spit out the ranting thoughts of a dumbass with borderline ADHD and keep the word count to a minimum.  I can’t focus on a blog/column for more than 750 words, so why should I expect anyone else to.  Somewhere along the line this turned into an absolute clusterfuck.  We’re goin’ back to the drawing board, amigos.  Let’s keep this one tight.  The irony, of course, is I just wasted 93 words apologizing before even starting my first NFL post of the season. 

Neat.

Thought #1: MoJo’s Last Stand

I still call Maurice Jones Drew “MoJo” because it’s more fun to say than MJD.  He’s holding out and in a bit of a tiff with the Jags over a new contract (obvi).  The aforementioned tiff escalated significantly after the Jaguars new owner, Shahid Khan, made some comment along the lines of “The train’s leaving.  Get on or get off.”  Because that’s totes the thing to say to the media about a team captain that’s carried your team for several years.  Whenever I think of NFL owners I imagine them being some incarnation of Jerry Jones.  Especially when they say tough guy things about trains leaving.  When I first heard the quote, I shrugged it off as a rich wannabe tough guy being a bozo.  Then I saw what Khan actually looked like.  Now I just find it all kinds of awesome.  This is the exact kinda guy I wanna challenge to a friendly battle of wits.  My preferred topic: Trickle-down Economic Theory in the United States.  Your move Khan.  Accept or decline!

Regarding our upcoming battle of wits, Chunk’s Revenge only partakes in such chicanery while shitfaced drunk or buzzing on bath salts. Ye haveth been warned.

Thought #2: “The Lost Art of Breaking Up Like a Fucking Bozo”, by Jeff Ireland

The Miami Dolphins are featured in this season’s Hard Knocks, and last Tuesday we were treated to the mastery of GM Jeff Ireland when crushing a player with the news he had just been traded.  The abbreviated version of his conversation with cornerback Vontae Davis:
Ireland: You’ve been traded to Indianapolis.
Davis: Oh.  I need to call my grandma.
Ireland: No.  Let me tell you why.
Davis: Okay.
Ireland: You’ve been too up and down.  That doesn’t work for us.
Davis: Oh…who’d you trade me for?
Ireland: Couple of draft picks.  (Davis stares at him, shocked.)  Yep.  Couple of draft picks.
Davis: Okay.  (Gets up to leave ASAP)
Ireland: Wait! Stop.  I seriously think you’re  a nice guy.
Davis: Okay.  Thanks. 
Ireland (who gets out of his chair to stop Davis again): Wait!  Stop.  It’s just that you’re soooo inconsistent.  We’ve had a lot of ups and downs.  I think this is best for everyone.

Basically, Ireland broke up with him three times in two minutes.  It was the most inefficient/offensive breakup ever.  For his wife’s sake, I hope he never asks for a divorce.  He’ll talk about how she’s a great person while detailing her shortcomings and won’t let her leave the room in an attempt to make her understand his decision, all while piling on more.

“I’m leaving you. Why? You’re a good person and all, but you’ve really fallen short in too many areas to list. Who am I leaving you for? I have a couple of good leads on eHarmony.com. Yep. A couple of good leads on eHarmony.com”

Thought #3: Offensive Player of the Year – LeSean McCoy

A couple of years back I invited my wife to join my newly formed Fantasy league in the hopes that she’d learn that it’s crazily addictive, and she’d stop asking why I was so involved in every game from Thursday through Monday.  The good news, it worked.  The bad news, I created a monster and three years later she walks into each draft party with the kind of swagger that hasn’t been seen since the 1986-1987 Miami Hurricanes showed up for the Fiesta Bowl.  Making matters worse: she has a tendency to beat me, and always makes a better pick than me in the first round.  She got LeSean McCoy this year, which pretty much means he’ll dominate this season. 

Wife drafts LeSean McCoy = He’ll have a great season = Emasculating Fantasy Football season for Chunk’s Revenge. #Science

Thought #4: Ben Tate will be a Top 5 RB this year, and best Arian Foster in every relevant statistic

Look – I know Arian Foster’s good and he seems like an interesting guy.  My issue is he became a vegan in the offseason.  Now, I was born and raised in Portland and therefore grew up appreciating the vegan lifestyle.  If you’re a vegan, then kudos to you.  Problem is, I wouldn’t be thrilled if my prized #1 running back made such a decision.  Being vegan is just dandy.  It’s just not ideal for a guy getting pummeled by 300 pound men while he carries the rock 25 times a game.  He’s already injury prone and his new lifestyle isn’t gonna help in terms of on-the-field production. 

The vegans may judge me.  But seriously guys, screw you.  Quit being so judgmental.

Vegans: I was honest to God TRYING to find a pic that would poke fun at my whole “judgmental” claim…maybe show some hot babes shunning me for my criticism. Instead I stumbled across this. Seriously. WTF.

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College Football Previewing: Penance to TV Karma Lords, Fussily Justifying My Oregon Duck Fandom, and Barfing on Michigan

As penance for past wrong-doings, please accept this picture, television karma lords.

Prologue:
Karma bit me in the ass in a bad way yesterday morning, amigos. After posting about Breaking Bad (in a post during which I went to great lengths to avoid spoilers, and went so far as to tell readers to stop when I felt that the slightest bit of spoilery would be touched upon) some bozo clown Facebook friend of mine gave away the ending of the last episode. I couldn’t watch it live two nights ago, so I DVR’d it and came home to watch it during my lunch break yesterday…but the ending was already given away. I don’t think I deserved the spoiler. But after taking a good four hours to cool my head I recognized that I violated the first line of the post: “Talking about Breaking Bad in public is a big fucking no-no.” I suppose that even without spoilers included in the write up, I kinda had that coming. Karma told me so yesterday morning. So from now on, no Breaking Bad talk. I’m sorry Karma! I won’t do it again!

Chunk’s Revenge longs for the day in which it lived in perfect karmic harmony with spoiler free television.

Now I’ll just stick to what I do best, writing about standard bozo things. Shall we?

Today’s post:
Oh hey there pals. Say, I have some great news for ya’s! Football season is just around the corner. Football and Basketball are 1A and 1B on my fave sports to watch, in no particular order. It just kinda depends on the time of year. The NFL officially starts next week. But first…college ball.

As a diehard Oregon Ducks fan, this time of year presents a particularly obnoxious thematic issue I’ve been subjected to over the past few years. It can most easily be relayed through a joke my pal Steve, born and raised an Oregon State Beavers fan and OSU alum, told me yesterday. It goes as so:

Beaver fan: “Who’s your favorite team?”
Duck fan: “The Ducks!”
Beaver fan: “Where’d you go to school?”
Duck fan: “A small liberal arts school in California.”

This grinds my gears because of the obvious. I went to a small liberal arts school in California. So since the rise of Oregon’s program, I spend a fair amount of time every year justifying why I should be considered a legitimate fan. Suddenly, it occurred to me. I don’t need to answer to these clowns. I was born into a family of Ducks, and I’m that black sheep bastard of the family that did not graduate from the University of Oregon – the only member of my immediate family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) with that designation. If you grow up a fan of a particular team, my feeling is you don’t just stop being a fan because you went to school somewhere else. Just because I’ve lived my entire adult life in Los Angeles doesn’t mean I need to give up on being a Trail Blazers fan and switch allegiances to the Lakers or Clippers.

Starting this conversation will surely result in me getting some unfounded ribbing from my friends that like to get me all riled up. But I’m not biting bozos! Not anymore!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEMHtoWGLW0

That said, I realize how much fun it is to make fun of bandwagon fans, so I figured out an easy way to figure out who’s for real and who’s just in it for the fast paced offense and colorful jerseys of today.

Here’s the lone question to determine whether or not a supposed Duck fan is a lifelong fan: “Do you know who Kenny Wheaton is?”

Any self respecting Duck fan will not only answer “yes”. They’ll tell you who he is, why you’re asking the question and what he did. If they can’t answer, they’re a bandwagoner. Or maybe a casual fan. Sorry for leaving you high and dry, casual fans. You’re on your own in justifying your fandom though.

If you still can’t place who Kenny Wheaton is after looking at this pic, then you were probably a USC fan in the early-mid 2000’s…you big bozo bandwagoner.

As for other football hijinks, let’s break down the coming season. We’ll stick to the college game today. Pro stuff will be posted later this week (maybe).

Thought #1: LSU and/or Alabama will play in the National Championship Game

Nick Saban: “Hello, fartface.”
Les Miles: “I’m NOT a fartface! “YOU are the fartface!”
Chunk’s Revenge: “Boys, boys! Take it easy. You’re both fartfaces.”

Fans of schools in the SEC root for their preferred teams first, the rest of the SEC teams are a close second. For the shitty teams in the league, I liken this to a towel boy taunting everyone else in the world when “his team” goes onto great things. This is annoying. Also, I can’t stand Les Miles and Nick Saban. I can’t adequately relay this point enough…and yet I don’t care to go into specifics because I’m not sure I have any. They’re just douchebags, okay? All of this adds up to one thing: an SEC team will play in, and probably win, another National Championship. As a fan, I hate to admit this, but it’s true. If you wanna win big on the gambling circuit, find the teams I root for and bet against them. “Shorting” those squads will surely pay dividends. Another certainty? Find the teams I can’t stand and bet in favor of them. The Sports Karma Lords of the universe seem hell-bent on taunting me (see: The Miami Heat, the recent success of Boston franchises, and every SEC championship over the last 10 years).

Thought #2: I will be a sad and bitter man on November 3rd

Oregon plays at USC on this day. I’m not anticipating good things, for yours truly. Some may view this as some sort of half-baked “reverse-jinx” or something, but really it’s not. Wanna know why? The reason is two-fold: 1). I can’t stand USC. 2). My wife and her family are all diehard Trojan fans. If the Ducks lose, not only will I be upset over the loss against a rival, but also I’ll be subjected to ridicule from most everyone I know in Southern California. Plus, any so-called “reverse-jinx” is negated by the karma that insists on punching me in the face, as outlined in Thought #1. At best, the jinxing/karma Lords are even, and I’m still not liking the odds.

Even in a loss, I’ll look for a consolation prize in order to fend off the taunting of Trojan fans. Here it is: UO cheerleaders >; USC cheerleaders. (Note: will Chunk’s Revenge actually be so petty as to resort to discussing cheer squads? YOU BET YOUR BALLS.)

Thought #3: Michigan and “Shoelace” Robinson…ha!

My pal Endo pointed this out. Many talking heads are yapping incessantly about Michigan making some noise this season, led by their star QB Denard “Shoelace” Robinson. For starters, no. Secondly, they aren’t even the best team in the Big Ten. Thirdly, as Endo pointed out, everyone is conveniently glossing over the fact that they play Alabama in their season opener. If I were to pick the lesser of two evils, I’d want Alabama to lose. But that’s just not gonna happen. If it were to miraculously happen then there would still be an SEC school looming as a favored National Champion, and even more clamoring about Michigan’s return to glory. Everybody still loses.

If you haven’t noticed, I sincerely hope that I’m incorrect in all three of my predictions. But if I’m being honest, as of right now, that’s what I’m prepping for. I like to live by the credo of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. Problem is, nobody should be a full out “hater”. And since I am, I’m more often than not punished for my hateration.

That said, football – especially college football – is a tricky thing to predict. So there’s only one sure thing as the season approaches: expect the return of my live-drunk-blogging concept from the NBA Playoffs. That’s the only method I can think of that will keep my sanity in check, because I’m a grown man, and that’s what grown men do.

Breaking Bad: Spoiler Free Commentary for the Newbies & The Plight of Skyler White (No Newbies Allowed)

Breaking Bad. So hot right now.

Talking about the most recent episode of Breaking Bad in public is a big fucking no-no. It’s not that people don’t like the show. Most people actually love it. But there are still so many people in the world that haven’t caught up to this season, or they haven’t watched the last episode yet (because they DVR’d it and are saving multiple episodes so they can watch several in a row because every single time an episode ends the audience is more hooked than an Albuquerque meth head) that…holy shit. I lost my train of thought there. Breaking Bad does this to me.

Here’s the bottom line, amigos: I know that spoilers suck, especially with this show. I was on a flight from LAX to PDX and started vaguely discussing the show with the guy sitting next to me, and some dudes behind us had covered their ears and began scolding us for even talking about it…even though we were talking about Season 1 (and not giving away any plot points). Funny thing is, I didn’t even defend myself. I totally get where they’re coming from…then strongly encouraged them to catch up, and catch up quick. So, this should go without saying: I won’t be giving away plotlines or anything like that. I’m simply going to lay out my thoughts for three types of people:

1). Those who haven’t started watching the show yet;
2). Those who started, but haven’t continued because “it’s not for you”; and
3). Asking a question to my fellow viewers that are “in too deep”.

Now. While I won’t be giving away plotlines or spoiling shit for any of yous, I know for a fact there are some Frank Costanzas out there, who never want to hear anything about a show even if it gives absolutely nothing away. You know who you are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWWg_kh7xXk

So if that’s you, then fine, I won’t preach to you. You can stop reading after point #2…just as long as you promise me that you’ll watch all of Season 1. It’s imperative that you watch the entire season.

As for the rest of yous. Shall we?

#1: To those who haven’t started watching the show yet

What the funk is wrong with you? Unless you wanna miss out on an epic TV program and find out what happens in the series finale (ala “The Sopranos”) you’ve gotta get your head and your ass wired together and go in for the big win. Catch up so you can witness history with the rest of humanity. Seasons 1 through 4 are available on Netflix Instant, and the service is easy to use and costs like seven bucks a month. If you have Netflix Instant, it’s just sitting there waiting for you. If you don’t, you should just get it already. Remember the days when you had to go to your local Blockbuster and pay $4.99 for every DVD you rented? I watched the first season of Dexter using Blockbuster DVDs. Problem was they spread the season out over 3 or 4 discs and I ended up paying 20-something-dollars to find out what happened. Blockbuster then offered me this super awesome deal where I could “only” pay $35 a month to get unlimited videos. What a super deal right? Since I was broke ass man I didn’t bite. Well…I bit, then canceled it after finishing three seasons of Dexter because this is America and that’s my right. At the time, Netflix Instant didn’t have much of a selection, especially when it came to TV shows. But now…whoa. They’ve got some good stuff. And it still only costs a few bucks a month. If you have Dish Network, then you kinda have to sign up to catch AMC’s stuff, which has some of the best shows on TV along with Breaking Bad (which is the best, obvi). Oh, and by the way, fuck those fatcats at Dish Network. Oh…and for my 2nd BTW in a row, here’s a fun fact: AMC promptly posts their material on Netflix Instant (which charges $7 a month)…Dish Network owns Blockbuster (which has since dropped their fees since those $4.99 days, but in their best case scenario charges way more per view than Netflix Instant). Fun!

Excerpt from the article linked above. Thanks for dragging 14,000,000 people into your completely unjustified and off-base pissing match, Dish Network! You’re totes the best. For reals.

#2: To those who started and didn’t continue because “it’s not for you”

Look. I get it. I rented the first couple of episodes on DVD at Blockbuster a long while back (for $4.99…holla!). I too, didn’t think it was for me. But since my friends wouldn’t shut up about it, I gave it another go a few months later. Now I’m literally counting the days until this coming Sunday. My brother was the same way as I once was, and had little interest in continuing the show. When he told me he had made it through episode 5 of season 1, I told him: “Trust me. Watch episode 6,” and I said this without an ounce of sarcasm. Part of the beauty in Breaking Bad is that they don’t do the classic TV show thing, which is blow the audience’s collective mind early in the season (only to drag on and disappoint you later on). They establish a story line, establish the characters, and build up drama from there. Episodes 1 through 5 in Season 1 establish the foundation. Episode 6 punches you in the face with nothing but awesome. I made my brother watch that episode. He then plowed through all four seasons in a couple of weeks. There are only 7 episodes in Season 1. If you don’t like it at that point, then fine. Just drop it. My guess is you’ll continue on.

“Yo, just give Mr. White and me a chance…bitch.”
– Jesse Pinkman

#3: Asking a question to my fellow viewers that are “in too deep”(Skip this if you aren’t through Season 3)

I got into an animated discussion with a pal over beers while we floated in a lake in Arizona about Skyler White. He hates her. I don’t. The booze didn’t help the cordiality of this conversation. But don’t worry, we agreed to disagree, and buried the hatchet over shotgunning beers and exchanging hugs. I wouldn’t say this mentality towards Skyler is common but I’ve seen enough of a backlash against her (beginning in Season 3) that it makes me wonder. Why in the hell is she the one to get hated on? I won’t give much away, but if you haven’t made it through Season 3 I’d suggest skipping the rest of this paragraph just in case your inner Frank Costanza busts out. So if I have this right: the main premise of the show is Walt’s deterioration as a human being, and how he’s basically losing his soul. Skyler isn’t good, per se, but her reactions towards him are at least somewhat understandable given the shit-show of a world Walt has dragged their family in to. I’m entirely caught up on the show and let me point out the obvious: Walter White from the Pilot Episode is not the same guy as the Walter White from Episode 6 of Season 5. Any argument that he is still “doing what he’s doing for his family” is bullshit. That argument went out the window during the episodes available on Netflix Instant. If he’s not the same guy, then why would she treat him the same way? Sure, she’s to blame for some of it as well, and she made bad decisions along the way. But Walt’s decision-making and ego has put them where they are today. By saying this, perhaps I’m violating the age-old “Bros Before Hoes” mantra. Feel free to diss me and tell me that I am. Just be prepped for a dramatic debate (sans spoilers out of respect for the bozos that haven’t yet caught up). But it should also be said, in the most recent Rolling Stone, Vince Gilligan (show creator) and Aaron Paul (who plays Jesse) praise Bryan Cranston’s performance as Walt because he has somehow convinced the show’s followers to root for him. Gilligan compares it to Stockholm Syndrome. Important note: if you’re avoiding spoilers from Seasons 1 through 4, DON’T READ THE NEWEST ROLLING STONE.

So there you have it. My very best attempt at championing the brilliance of Breaking Bad without giving away plotlines. I haven’t been so vague in describing something since my first Podcast with Brother Gage. Feel free to take a listen to that if you have absolutely no life and want to waste 43 minutes of your day (this is not a self-deprecating comment – I’m dead fucking serious).

Talk to you soon, amigos. I’m out.

Final Olympic Thoughts: Ryan Lochte Cramping My Style, a Mea Culpa to Marta Menegatti, Pervy Cameramen, & a Microsoft Paint Picture

Look here, bozos. I know the Olympics have been over for a few days, so talking more about Olympic things is just downright NONSENSE and I should just move on and not do any more posts on the matter. But I was out of town (“off the grid” so to speak) for the conclusion of the Olympics, and then spent the past three days slowly de-bloating and sobering up from a raucous time deep in the Arizona desert. So tending to this blog just wasn’t gonna happen. I can’t blog when I’m hungover and feel fat. As a grown ass man I shouldn’t tell you these things, but Chunk’s Revenge is all about KEEPIN IT REAL, so there will be no apologies. I just don’t like writing when I feel fat, okay?

Did our valiant blogger just use premenstrual-like symptoms to justify his ignoring the blog for a week and a half? #Fosho.

That said, I won’t make this long. The Olympics are over and the shorter I make this, the sooner we can move on with our lives. Here are 3 random thoughts from the 2012 Games:

1). Ryan Lochte’s cramping my style

Ryan Lochte went from “so hot right now”, to officially unseating Michael Phelps as the greatest swimmer alive, to being exposed for being a bit of a douchebag, to “disappointing” everyone with “just” 5 medals (and only 2 golds…he’s no Phelps…pfft!), to being exposed as a more than just a douchebag, but more of a frat boy dumbass. Look: the guy is an Olympian, and a very good one to boot. But here are my thoughts:

a). In the douchebag article I linked to above (an absolute must read if you haven’t already), it was brought to my attention that Lochte has a catchphrase. What it is: “Jeah!”

Dude… I say “jeah”. When I found this out, and discovered that saying it was tainted forever, I felt like Milhouse when some goon from Shelbyville stole the word “radical”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXSUKNCNCMo

b). I’m not going to pretend to know all that much about Ryan Lochte, and I’m not a total fanboy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High or anything, but you cannot tell me that Ryan Lochte doesn’t remind you of Spicoli. Like if Spicoli had a little brother that was blessed as a great swimmer, trained hard, wasn’t quite so obvious about being a pothead, and was constantly being coached about how to interact with the media. Listen to Ryan Lochte. He’s fucking Spicoli. Mind you, this isn’t an insult. I actually kinda like him more now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dlyCTswYH0

2). A couple weeks back I posted a little write up of the babes of the Olympics, and did this cutesy little schtick in which I incorporated horrendously failed pickup lines from my college days. Why did I do it like that? Well, this blog is nothing if it isn’t completely all over the place and at times downright confusing. That’s just what I do. That said, by the time I waltzed on down that rabbit hole of using old pickup lines I got tired of doing it and didn’t much care to continue my search for total babe athletes. During a beach volleyball match, I realized I completely wiffed on arguably the hottest babe of the Olympics. Italian beach volleyballer, Marta Menegatti.

Photo courtesy of the Facebook page Olympic Hunting (www.facebook.com/OlympicHunting). This Facebook page gets a Chunk’s Revenge stamp of approval. Link posted below.

http://www.facebook.com/OlympicHunting

Let me just say this on her exclusion from my original list: I’M SORRY. I would go into a long winded justification but it would just take too long. Believe me, I just deleted like 1,000 words of apologies to Marta…and to you too, gentle reader, for failing you. Just trust me on this. I haven’t apologized so profusely since I lost my virginity.

3). Shall we jam a few basketball thoughts into one bullet point? You bet!

– Great showing in the tournament by Nic Batum after signing a $46,000,000 contract with the Blazers. We got the typical Batum (flashes of brilliance then disappearing for quarters at a time) and the new RICH MAN Batum (not playing great, not leaving an impact when it mattered most, punching a competitor in the nuts when the game was out of reach, then somehow trying to justify it post-game because the Spaniards were basically being punks, while ignoring the fact that he was the biggest punk of all…and a loser to boot). Nic: I know it’s your home country and all, but quit acting so FRENCH.

– LeBron James. Just…Jesus Christ. I’m sorry for ever doubting you.

;

“It’s all good Chunk’s Revenge. Your past criticism was probably the result of your own failures manifesting itself through critiques of the absurdly talented and wealthy.”

;

– Kudos to the cameramen during the games for zooming up on babes in the crowd. In the zoom ups, you either got a shot of a babe or a total bozo. Both good things. They really upped the ante during the Lithuania game when zooming up on babes. They found a young lady eating a banana, and kept the shot on her for an extended period while she chewed before cutting away when she didn’t take another bite. Good show fellas. You may act like that was an innocent act. But I know what you were doing.

I don’t really need a caption for this pic, because I already included it in the picture with Microsoft Paint. No big deal.

;

Until next time amigos, I’m out.

Podcast – Episode 1: Brother Gage

Be warned: The philosophy on blogging at Chunk’s Revenge is to post everything AS IS…warts and all. If you proceed, prepare yourself for the single jankiest podcast in history. Episode description below.

It should also be noted: THIS PODCAST CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT

http://soundcloud.com/supermanlyhappyhourpod/episode-1-brother-gage

Here’s how this works: Our valiant host Gaveen thinks of one topic of discussion. He then lets the conversation run wild and attempts to create an entire podcast using that one topic as a jumping off point.

Today Brother Gage, Producer of the SuperManlyHappyHour Podcast, joins the discussion. The jumping off point for Episode 1: Fred Willard’s arrest for lewd conduct in an adult movie theater.

Among the topics discussed by Ze Brothers are: bad starts to first podcasts, masturbating in public, 3D anime pornography, gender dynamics in Japan, The Dark Knight Rises (spoiler free), Ryan Gosling, an impromptu game of “who would you rather” with Batman characters, the Portland bar scene, and strip club faux pa’s.

WARNINGS: Gaveen tries to cut off the podcast three times due to its vulgarity, gets progressively more drunk, bores the shit outta Gage for 3 minutes ranting about The Dark Knight Rises, and eventually calls an abrupt end to the podcast because he needs to take a tinkle.

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