Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

The Babes of the Olympics & Failed Drunken Pickup Lines From Yesteryear

When I was in college my buddies inadvertently created a system that gauged their interest in a young lady’s company, based on their tact in pursuit. It’s not so much a scoring system, per se, but moreso a combination of factors (the girl’s attractiveness, attainableness, approachableness, etc.) that would determine how they spit their game. To this day, they have no idea that there was a method to their madness, but there really was. If you took a step back and saw how they approached a gal, the level of their interest (or perhaps more appropriately, the chances they thought they had) was easily deciphered. Or maybe it could have been their level of intoxication. Either way. I gauged their interest on how they approached, and the amount of effort put forth in landing the little lady as a prospective girlfriend. (Was I involved in these shenanigans? Maybe. BUT I’M NOT TELLING!)

Now, with the Olympics going on, I’ve been subjected to watching some tape-delayed bullshit while I try to figure out when “events-of-interest” will be aired. The silver lining in this is that I have come across some athletes and/or events that I wouldn’t have watched had NBC actually had their shit together. For the sake of this post, we’ll be zeroing in on the athletes of interest, and more specifically, the total babes that are participating. We’ll also be deciding the appropriate failed pickup line/internal monologue (plagiarized from my crew during our college years) to use on them if they are ever encountered in public. Sound confusing enough? GOOD. Let’s get started:

Pickup Line #1: “Damn girl. You so fine that I’m gonna start a conversation with you by introducing you to my friend.”

Probably the worst way to pick up a girl. But the fact that our hero, in this case, engaged her in conversation was enough to determine that he was illogically hoping that somehow introducing her to his friend would be a good thing. Maybe end with him doing a victory lap around his twin sized bed. Works every time (note: it never works). Even still. There was some hope there in his drunken stupor…and the gal was hot enough to give that fruitless tact a go.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #1: LoLo Jones, Hurdler, USA

Because she’s intimidatingly hot enough that you might accidentally pawn her off on a friend. Unrelated side note: she’s a well-publicized V-card holder. Is this true? Does she say it for the endorsements? Is she one of those guilt ravaged religious folk that justifies her V-card to be intact on a technicality? Who knows.

Pickup Line #2: “Gawdam that babe is hot. I need to make an impression. Let’s skip the pleasantries of getting to know each other and I’ll floor her with my machismo by sneaking up on her and nibbling on her ear.”

Yep. This happened. I’m sure it made sense at the time. Jagermeister will make a man do curious things.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #2: Jaque, Volleyball, Brazil

Because…look at her. Look at this picture and tell me you wouldn’t sneak up on this babe and give her ear a nibble even though she has no idea who you are. You wouldn’t? Well, me neither. But somehow I had to squeeze a publication of this nibble maneuver into the post. But for reals. I watched an entire womens volleyball match because of Jaque, and vivaciously rooted for a Brazilian victory. Even though they were playing the USA.

Pickup Line #3: “Hey gurl. You all kindsa fine. What say you to going back to the common area of my dorm room. I’ll throw on the Nelly album, play the song Dilemma on repeat for 56 straight minutes, and tell you about my hopes and dreams.”

On paper, this should totes work. Especially when the smooth Casanova in question is shitfaced drunk. How could that not work?

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #3: Leryn Franco, Javelin, Paraguay

Because she seems like a wholesome type of babe who is able to put up with the chicanery of a doofus. And if nothing else, she throws javelin as a profession, so she could pierce the CD player with a flying object once Nelly’s Dilemma started on the 57th minute and/or dole out an appropriate beatdown of the aforementioned smooth Casanova.

Pickup Line #4: “I like you. Why don’t you come back to my place. No, no. Not like that. But we’re throwing an after party and having a beer pong tournament.”

The brilliance/idiocy in this maneuver was that there never was a beer pong tournament or an after party. This line always occurred at like 2:30AM, and everyone was passed out. But in the mind of the drunken college boy, getting a girl back to the pad was half the battle. Upon the realization that there was no after party and no beer pong tournament, drunken college boy would just say, “Well schucks. I guess the party is over. Soooo…since you’re already here…”

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #4: Marlen Esparza, Boxing, USA

Because a punch to the face was always the end result when using this pickup line.

Pickup Line #5: “I had a great time freak dancing with you tonight. Hows about we go out sometime? Say, Saturday? You’re busy? Okay, what about next week? Fine, next month. I’m free all next month.”

How this girl chose to freak dance with this yuppie will forever be a mystery. But it happened and it was fucking awesome. Even if she didn’t express immediate interest in rekindling the fire experienced on the muggy dance floor of a frat house party, he just had to try and lock that down. “Shame” isn’t much a deterrent when the upside is so high. There was little to no chance it would happen. But the only thought going through our hero’s mind was…but what if?

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #5: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

Because the way that gal dances, it would be enough for any red-blooded man to throw caution to the wind and show a willingness to make a complete ass of himself (even if there wasn’t a chance in hell that he could pull it off).

Pickup Line #6: “I think we have something going on here. Can I take you out to a classy dinner on the bay on Tuesday night? Why Tuesday, you ask? It just seems like a good night for a date.”

Tuesday night was usually a two-for-one dinner special at a classy joint on the bay where we went to college. The ladies didn’t seem to know this, so it was essential that our hero, the drunken college boy, adequately faked his shock upon hearing (for the first time…wink wink) that he got a cheap dinner. This was the kind of girl that seemed cool, fun, and quite hot. But still. There was a justification to do a “feel it out” date (in case she wasn’t that interested) in the form of a two-for-one special.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #6: Caroline Wozniacki, Tennis, Denmark

Because I don’t know where else to put her.

Pickup Line #7: “You’re so great I’m gonna find a Zagat rated restaurant with the most STARS for a single “$”

Come on. We were in college for goodness sakes. Just because our hero in this case was being frugal shouldn’t take away from the fact that he was trying to take a date out for a nice dinner at a Zagat rated restaurant. If he had a full time job, I’m sure he would have gone for a restaurant with TWO “$$”.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #7: Alex Morgan, Soccer, USA

Because you just take Alex Morgan to a Zagat rated dinner, dammit. That’s just how things are done.

Pickup Line #8: “For reals. I fuckin love you, okay??”

Pretty self explanatory right there.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #8: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

Because I honestly feel that this video should be posted twice.


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