Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Archive for the month “July, 2012”

The Babes of the Olympics & Failed Drunken Pickup Lines From Yesteryear

When I was in college my buddies inadvertently created a system that gauged their interest in a young lady’s company, based on their tact in pursuit. It’s not so much a scoring system, per se, but moreso a combination of factors (the girl’s attractiveness, attainableness, approachableness, etc.) that would determine how they spit their game. To this day, they have no idea that there was a method to their madness, but there really was. If you took a step back and saw how they approached a gal, the level of their interest (or perhaps more appropriately, the chances they thought they had) was easily deciphered. Or maybe it could have been their level of intoxication. Either way. I gauged their interest on how they approached, and the amount of effort put forth in landing the little lady as a prospective girlfriend. (Was I involved in these shenanigans? Maybe. BUT I’M NOT TELLING!)

Now, with the Olympics going on, I’ve been subjected to watching some tape-delayed bullshit while I try to figure out when “events-of-interest” will be aired. The silver lining in this is that I have come across some athletes and/or events that I wouldn’t have watched had NBC actually had their shit together. For the sake of this post, we’ll be zeroing in on the athletes of interest, and more specifically, the total babes that are participating. We’ll also be deciding the appropriate failed pickup line/internal monologue (plagiarized from my crew during our college years) to use on them if they are ever encountered in public. Sound confusing enough? GOOD. Let’s get started:

Pickup Line #1: “Damn girl. You so fine that I’m gonna start a conversation with you by introducing you to my friend.”

Probably the worst way to pick up a girl. But the fact that our hero, in this case, engaged her in conversation was enough to determine that he was illogically hoping that somehow introducing her to his friend would be a good thing. Maybe end with him doing a victory lap around his twin sized bed. Works every time (note: it never works). Even still. There was some hope there in his drunken stupor…and the gal was hot enough to give that fruitless tact a go.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #1: LoLo Jones, Hurdler, USA

Because she’s intimidatingly hot enough that you might accidentally pawn her off on a friend. Unrelated side note: she’s a well-publicized V-card holder. Is this true? Does she say it for the endorsements? Is she one of those guilt ravaged religious folk that justifies her V-card to be intact on a technicality? Who knows.

Pickup Line #2: “Gawdam that babe is hot. I need to make an impression. Let’s skip the pleasantries of getting to know each other and I’ll floor her with my machismo by sneaking up on her and nibbling on her ear.”

Yep. This happened. I’m sure it made sense at the time. Jagermeister will make a man do curious things.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #2: Jaque, Volleyball, Brazil

Because…look at her. Look at this picture and tell me you wouldn’t sneak up on this babe and give her ear a nibble even though she has no idea who you are. You wouldn’t? Well, me neither. But somehow I had to squeeze a publication of this nibble maneuver into the post. But for reals. I watched an entire womens volleyball match because of Jaque, and vivaciously rooted for a Brazilian victory. Even though they were playing the USA.

Pickup Line #3: “Hey gurl. You all kindsa fine. What say you to going back to the common area of my dorm room. I’ll throw on the Nelly album, play the song Dilemma on repeat for 56 straight minutes, and tell you about my hopes and dreams.”

On paper, this should totes work. Especially when the smooth Casanova in question is shitfaced drunk. How could that not work?

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #3: Leryn Franco, Javelin, Paraguay

Because she seems like a wholesome type of babe who is able to put up with the chicanery of a doofus. And if nothing else, she throws javelin as a profession, so she could pierce the CD player with a flying object once Nelly’s Dilemma started on the 57th minute and/or dole out an appropriate beatdown of the aforementioned smooth Casanova.

Pickup Line #4: “I like you. Why don’t you come back to my place. No, no. Not like that. But we’re throwing an after party and having a beer pong tournament.”

The brilliance/idiocy in this maneuver was that there never was a beer pong tournament or an after party. This line always occurred at like 2:30AM, and everyone was passed out. But in the mind of the drunken college boy, getting a girl back to the pad was half the battle. Upon the realization that there was no after party and no beer pong tournament, drunken college boy would just say, “Well schucks. I guess the party is over. Soooo…since you’re already here…”

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #4: Marlen Esparza, Boxing, USA

Because a punch to the face was always the end result when using this pickup line.

Pickup Line #5: “I had a great time freak dancing with you tonight. Hows about we go out sometime? Say, Saturday? You’re busy? Okay, what about next week? Fine, next month. I’m free all next month.”

How this girl chose to freak dance with this yuppie will forever be a mystery. But it happened and it was fucking awesome. Even if she didn’t express immediate interest in rekindling the fire experienced on the muggy dance floor of a frat house party, he just had to try and lock that down. “Shame” isn’t much a deterrent when the upside is so high. There was little to no chance it would happen. But the only thought going through our hero’s mind was…but what if?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX5jNnDMfxA

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #5: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5DouXRv0k&feature=related

Because the way that gal dances, it would be enough for any red-blooded man to throw caution to the wind and show a willingness to make a complete ass of himself (even if there wasn’t a chance in hell that he could pull it off).

Pickup Line #6: “I think we have something going on here. Can I take you out to a classy dinner on the bay on Tuesday night? Why Tuesday, you ask? It just seems like a good night for a date.”

Tuesday night was usually a two-for-one dinner special at a classy joint on the bay where we went to college. The ladies didn’t seem to know this, so it was essential that our hero, the drunken college boy, adequately faked his shock upon hearing (for the first time…wink wink) that he got a cheap dinner. This was the kind of girl that seemed cool, fun, and quite hot. But still. There was a justification to do a “feel it out” date (in case she wasn’t that interested) in the form of a two-for-one special.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #6: Caroline Wozniacki, Tennis, Denmark

Because I don’t know where else to put her.

Pickup Line #7: “You’re so great I’m gonna find a Zagat rated restaurant with the most STARS for a single “$”

Come on. We were in college for goodness sakes. Just because our hero in this case was being frugal shouldn’t take away from the fact that he was trying to take a date out for a nice dinner at a Zagat rated restaurant. If he had a full time job, I’m sure he would have gone for a restaurant with TWO “$$”.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #7: Alex Morgan, Soccer, USA

Because you just take Alex Morgan to a Zagat rated dinner, dammit. That’s just how things are done.

Pickup Line #8: “For reals. I fuckin love you, okay??”

Pretty self explanatory right there.

Selected Olympian for Pickup Line #8: Michelle Jenneke, Hurdler, Australia

Because I honestly feel that this video should be posted twice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xr5DouXRv0k&feature=related

The Inadvertent Brilliance of Parent Texting Fails: Misspelling “Come” in Texts to Friends

There are several sites online that crack wise about the mishaps of parents while texting their children. Whether they send a scandalous text to the wrong person, misuse an acronym, or whatever, texts from parents are always wild cards. I estimate there is a 25% chance that hilarity will ensue if you’re receiving a text from a parent that is just getting used to the whole texting game.

Like this:

There’s a small part of me that wants to sympathize with their snafus, knowing that there will be a day when I’m “that guy” not keeping up with technological advances and the ever-growing language that comes with it. But most of me just wants to embrace the moment, point my finger, laugh out loud, and tweet out a snapshot of the text with a caption that reads “FAIL!” My justification: no matter how nice I am now, I won’t be sheltered from the wrath of my (future) wiener little kids when their dear old dad makes an ass of himself. That’s just how the parent/child relationship works.

I thought I had seen pretty much everything when it comes to this type of stuff, but was treated to this little ditty from a pal of mine, who got a text from his dad that went something like this:

Translation: “Going to In N Out. Want to come?”
Full Disclosure: Is this the original text? Nope. So why not just type it out then? Because most of the traffic to Chunk’s Revenge is through Google searches, and typing out the infamous text would create trigger words that may direct some odd ducks to the site, to say the least. Regardless, this is what was said. I know this because when I saw what was written, it was the only time I pissed myself as a grown man (when booze was not involved).

So…what he did there: he got too gung-ho with the abbreviations, and even went so far as to shorten the word “come”.

Now. Let’s call this what it is. It’s goddamned brilliant. And this goes way beyond the double meaning. You see, the dad, in this case, insisted that he had no idea what his son was talking about when he got justifiably fussy about his dad giving the hard “U” in the word “come”. I find that hard to believe. But here’s what’s brilliant: there is no way to prove it.

If he were to stay steadfast in his denial, arguing such a point would only make the arguer look more perverse for knowing what such a word meant. It’d be like admitting to being hip to perverted slang or something. It’s not that big of a deal…but still. Not something you’d admit willy nilly if your partner in conversation was playing dumb.

Which got me to thinking. This denial could extend to just about anyone, not just parents.

Misspelling “come” can work for everyone. Nobody really says it conversation. And they sure as shit don’t text it to each other, so a single denial should bring about a reasonable belief that the abbreviation was simply a naive snafu. If someone were to argue that it was intentional, if you’re defense is bullheaded enough nobody is going to spend too much time debating this fact. That would put them in the unenviable spot of describing what that means to a grown ass man. They’ll just take the horrific mental image and move on. They don’t want to admit that they know what it means if you insist that you don’t.

So here’s a thought: why don’t we all use this as an effective prank when texting friends? You are guaranteed two things: 1). A mentally scarred friend that suddenly has a scathing innuendo included in an honest text, 2). An innocent out.

Like I said. Nobody will argue that you actually know what it means. They’ll just assume you’re naïve, and move on.

So that’s the new game from now on. Anytime you want a friend to tag along somewhere, ask if they will “come” (be sure to abbreviate to save precious texting space).

You will rest well knowing that they just got a graphic/pervy thought in their mind, but you can totes blame it on them. After all, they are the ones that know what the word means. Not you.

So for that, I thank you texting parents. Whether it was intentional or not, it doesn’t matter. Your shortcutting texting habits have made the world better for the pranksters of the world.

Hidden Gems – The Quiet Brilliance of Seinfeld’s Superstar Bit Characters

Oh hey there pals.  I haven’t been blogging this week.  Turns out, when work picks up, new content on Chunk’s Revenge suffers.  Boo.  I’m making a vow to get off my tail this week and next, and actually tend to the ol’ blog.  But for now, let’s just post some nonsense.

It just so happens that in my down time, when my brain is fried and I can’t muster up the brain power to come up with a coherent thought for this here blog, I do a lot of the following: reading and watching TV (note: I count perusing Twitter as “reading”).  When I watch TV, it’s usually syndicated programs, usually Seinfeld because I can watch any one of those episodes a thousand times over.  We all know about the main characters, story lines, classic episodes, and whatnot.  But, it appears that many minor characters are quite familiar, most of whom I recognized from other pieces of work throughout his or her career.

Some of yous – the diehard Seinfeld fanatics out there – may see this list of characters and think “Duh, dude.  We all know this already.”  Hey.  Give me a break.  I’m suffering from writer’s block and I wanna blog some nonsense.  Share my bullshit knowledge with the non-diehards of the world.  Plus, I’m fairly confident that I’ve found some hidden gems in here that even the diehards didn’t detect.  Let’s take a looksie and test it out, shall we?

#1: Actor Name – Michael McShane

FDR = Office Space Hypnotherapist

FDR apparently made an appearance in two Seinfeld episodes, but I only remember him in one.  This occurred during that bizarre “backwards” episode, when Elaine, George and Jerry attended Sue Ellen Mischke’s wedding in India.  Back in NYC, Kramer spent the whole episode licking a giant lollipop while his pal FDR made a birthday wish that Kramer “drop dead”.  The actor that played FDR was also the hypnotherapist in Office Space, the fat toupee wearing bozo that hypnotized Peter Gibbons into not giving two shits about work or life before croaking from a heart attack.

#2: Actor Name – Jon Gries

There was a recurring homeless man on Seinfeld.  He got into a tiff with Kramer over the ownership of some Tupperware and also jacked a rickshaw from Kramer & Newman.  Sadly, I can’t seem to find any photo proof of his existence, so I’ve included a video below.  The guy was played by Jon Gries, who also plays my greatest hero in Napoleon Dynamite.  That would be Uncle Rico, Napoleon’s sleazy uncle who’s a door-to-door salesman.  He constantly reminisces about 1982 and videotapes himself showcasing some stellar underhand throws to prove that he was (and is) an All Star quarterback that could “take State”.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9bSrjv8BDs

#3: Actor Name – Mark Metcalf

Doug Neidermeyer = Bob Cobb (AKA, The Maestro)

I’m ashamed for not knowing this sooner.  The Maestro (don’t you dare refer to him as Bob Cobb) was played by the same guy that played Doug Neidermeyer, the overzealous bully cadet from the Omega house in Animal House.  This is what we call “career longevity” for an anonymous character actor.

NOW ENTERING THE “BREAKING BAD” CONNECTION

(Spoiler alert (!) : most people know about Bryan Cranston’s involvement in Seinfeld, but if I’m doing a Breaking Bad section I can’t leave him out of the list.  So…I’ll save him for last.  Let’s start with some lesser known roles.)

#4: Actor Name – Bob Odenkirk

Remember when George was abstinent and suddenly became something of a genius?  At the same time, Elaine blue-balled the shit outta her wannabe doctor boyfriend played by a certain comedic genius named Bob Odenkirk.  If you watch Breaking Bad (if you don’t, you should, because it’s the best show on TV right now), you’ll recognize Odenkirk as Saul Goodman – Walt, Jesse, and Skyler’s sleazeball/hilarious attorney.  The fact that Odenkirk isn’t a household name is bullshit.  He kills it in every part he’s ever gotten, no matter how small.

#5: Actor Name – Anna Gunn

She’s Skyler White.  Obvi.  But she was also Jerry’s girlfriend for one episode, in which George went to buy new glasses and due to his stellar squinting ability believed he caught her making out with Jerry’s cousin Jeffrey, who evidently has a horse face.  The audience then finds out that George’s squinting ability may not be all that it’s cracked up to be.  Hilarity ensues.

#6: Actor Name – Bryan Cranston

Let’s make this brief due to its obviousness.  Tim Watley – Jerry’s dentist/Elaine’s former lover/shameless re-gifter/Jewish convert – is also Walter White.  If you didn’t make this connection yet, shame on you.

So there you have it.  Hopefully you came up with a tidbit of knowledge for water-cooler conversation.  If you knew all six of these fun facts, then you are hereby awarded 1,000 cool points courtesy of Chunk’s Revenge.  But if you wish to ridicule me for actually spending time posting this because you already knew all of this valuable info, then screw you.  At least give me an A for effort.  (Looking at you, @EndoEnderson).

NBA Free Agency: A Whole New World (in Which Absolutely Nothing Changes)

Even under a new collective bargaining agreement that allows General Managers to be frugal, they can’t help but make it rain when the opportunity presents itself.

I haven’t posted anything in over a week, and a certain bozo is gettin’ all up in my face about why that is (note: I talk to myself a lot).  Sorry amigos, but I’ve been partaking in some shenanigans.  Some hijinks.  Some Tom Foolery.  Considering the 4th of July fell on a Wednesday last week, it seemed like a good time to enjoy what would become the most ineffective work week of the modern era and head home to Southern California so I could hang with my better half.  Hence the idle blog.  Blogging, you see, is not an activity to be mutually enjoyed by spouses. 

So, with all that said, I kept a watchful eye on one thing throughout the week: tracking the goings on during the NBA Free Agency period.  Who’s going where?  Who’s doing what?  Who’s actin’ a foo’ and throwing caution to the wind?  Speaking in my best David Kahn voice: methinks it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty details and examine. 

Thought #1: I was chattin’ it up with my pal Endo and he made a comment that was very fitting to this whole Free Agency debacle of 2012.  Endo: “Welp.  Thank God we just had that Lockout.”  Indeed.  Less than a year removed from the fierce Lockout Battle of 2011 during which team owners bitched and moaned about how out of control players salaries had gotten, we have seen the following: $20 Million for Landry Fields, $30 Million for Jeremy Lin, $40 Million for Gerald Wallace, $45 Million for Nicolas Batum, and $58 Million for Roy Hibbert.  The rules of the new CBA were meant to avoid this very practice.  No dice.  There are no words to describe this.  Only acronyms can do the trick.  WTF NBA owners?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyFpOp8Ft0Q

Thought #2: In anticipation of the next Lockout (during which the same arguments will be made by the owners about “paying too much”) can’t we just consider that as long as there is restricted free agency bloated salaries will continue to exist?  As a beat reporter for the Minnesota Timberwolves pointed out in regards to Batum’s assumed offer sheet of $45 Million, “if you want a restricted free agent, you have to pay up (so the player’s current team won’t match)”.  Batum is about to get Luol Deng money.  Luol Deng, he is not.  What this will do: drive up the asking price of talented but unproven small forwards with upside.  Player’s agents gauge the price point of their clients based on recent comparables…it’s an appraisal process, if you will.  So by “overpaying” to ensure that a restricted free agents current team will not match…that sets a price point for the future.  The price point for the next Batum will be set at his new contract…and then the number will escalate with time.  As the housing market in Los Angeles can attest, this method of phantomly overpaying doesn’t always work out.  Instead, it can create a bubble, and that bubble will be the basis for the next Lockout.  Overpaying, it turns out, sets a new market value.  The cycle of overcommitting to role players is just starting over again. 

Thought #3: David Kahn should always have a job as a GM in the league (because everyone needs a laugh and/or punching bag).  Kahn is considered smug and condescending, constantly overvaluing his players even as he tries to dump them on any team within arm’s reach.  To make the Batum offer sheet a “win-win” for the Wolves and Blazers, he’s offered up a sign and trade scenario where the Blazers get the opportunity to recoup their presumed loss of Batum by acquiring Derrick Williams and Martell Webster.  Three problems here: 1). The Wolves don’t have the capspace to sign Batum and fellow free agent Brandon Roy.  So why would the Blazers help a division rival shed salary to get under the cap so they can successfully hijack a player of value? 2). Why would the Blazers settle for the players of Kahn’s choosing when they could just let Batum go and have boatloads of capspace to be used in future free agent signings and/or future trades?  3). Are we supposed to forget that the Blazers traded Webster to the Wolves, and that Kahn attempted to report the Blazers to the league after being so miffed at how the trade worked out for him?  That’s like two independent parties trading cars, one party trying to sue the other for malfeasance, losing, then turning around and trying to include what he once determined to be a “lemon” in a future trade.  This isn’t intended to be a knock on Webster, but you can’t bitch about a transaction involving Webster then try to act like it’s a cookie cutter slam dunk to include him in a future deal. 

I have no leverage nor much business savvy. But if I speak down on you enough, perhaps I can make you believe that I do.

Thought #4: NBATV should have a camera crew present at Landry Fields’ signing.  It was widely speculated that the driving force behind the $20 Million offer sheet was to cramp the capspace of the New York Knicks, who would need to include Fields in a sign and trade for Steve Nash.  Overpaying Fields meant the Knicks wouldn’t match, which meant they couldn’t get Nash, which would give Toronto a leg up in acquiring Nash’s services.  Didn’t exactly work out as planned (btw, Nash on the Lakers…BARF).  Also, a note to Toronto’s management: because of your failed shenanigans, the next Landry Fields-ish player will now be using his contract as a gauge to determine the contract he deserves.  So thanks for that.  

In the new world of NBA economics, we have found the ideal candidate for vacant general manager positions.

Thought #5: Just as I’m about to post this, it was announced that the Nets just signed Brook Lopez to a max contract.  I would shake my head at the thought, but all I’m really thinking is this: thank goodness it wasn’t the Blazers.

FML: Combating the Era of Overly-Dramatic Acronyms

“I really wanted THREE vita-boosts in my smoothie but they woulda charged extra so I only had enough money for TWO. #SMH #FML”

So I was on the Twitters the other day and stumbled across this tweet from my pal @ImHaggard: “Saying ‘FML’ on Twitter via your iPhone. Please think about that and shut the f**k up.” Hard to argue with that. He’s 1000% correct and it very much falls in line with a trend I’ve noticed over the last year or so. Traditional acronyms such as BRB (be right back), LOL (laughing out loud), and ROFLOLUISMP (rolling on floor laughing out loud until I shit my pants) have paved the way for “woe-is-me” bullshit.

Five years ago if one of my friends actually muttered the words “f**k my life” (to those of you not hip to Twitter acronyms, this is the phrase from which FML is derived) I would seriously consider sitting him/her down and having a serious discussion about life. If someone says FML now I just assume that they had to wait 20 whole minutes for their car to be washed (which totes happened to me today…FML).

But listen here, loyal reader: if you’re expecting some sappy “feel good about yourself, don’t say such mean things about the value of your life!” commentary from Chunk’s Revenge, that’s just not gonna happen. The FML trend is a barreling locomotive, and I’m not gonna impede on its progress. Good? Good. Now, back to the matter at hand.

I can’t determine if these bozos actually felt this way long before they could tweet it to the world, or if they’re just so cavalier of the phrase that now they just apply it in any and all circumstances.

Some samples from today:

#1: I can’t ever tweet anymore because all I do is work. #fml
#2: being jealous is probably my WORST trait. ugh fml
#3: i was running from a bee so i jumped in the pool…with my phone in my hand fml
#4 (courtesy of Alexander Ludwig, actor from the “Hunger Games”):

Adding an inadvertent subtle brag in there about being in Milan was a nice touch, Alexander!

The way I see it, there are only two options in combating the ever-growing trend.

Option 1: The BJ Novak Method

Use the acronym FML with much more regularity, but only when confronted with the mundane issues life throws your way or by taking advantage of the whitest of all #WhitePeopleProblems. Example: “I only came to this restaurant b/c they carry my favorite bottle of Pinot Gris & they ran out JUST BEFORE I got here. #FML”

Feel free to use “SMH” (shaking my head) when selecting this option. (Note: The only people I’ve encountered that actually express their unwavering disappointment in me by literally shaking their head are the people at the DMV…to them, shaking their head is the ultimate demoralizing maneuver).

Option #2: Out-Dramaticizing the Overly-Dramatic

Make up your own new acronym. IWIWD may be a good one – like if you said “Stuck in traffic and gonna be late for my bottomless mimosa brunch #IWIWD” (which means “I wish I was dead”, obvi).

Take a very minor moment of your life, exaggerate the severity of said moment to great extent, then come up with a more dramatic version of FML. The more entitled you sound the better. The more absurd your disdain for your current situation the better. I’m strongly considering this to be my new game.

I think this is the only mature way to handle something that drives me crazy. Handling things in a mature way is definitely on my bucket list. As you can see, I’m taking steps in the right direction.

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