Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

A Valiant Comeback (?): More Bullshit Blogging of My Brilliant NBA Playoff Thoughts

Your valiant blogger took more than a week off from Chunk’s Revenge, and acted like a fatcat, to boot. Will he make it up to you? Doubtful. But have hope. Note: boozing while reading may increase chances of feeling redeemed.

I’m kinda a math guy. As proof, I have a couple of equations…

First: 1.8 weeks + 0.0 blog posts = BOZO AUTHOR.
Second: 2.0 hours at airport bar waiting for a ride + 0.5 hours in car talking about how nice a day it is + 1,000 bars in Portland opening their patios because of the sun = QUASI-BUZZED AUTHOR WHOLE-HEARTEDLY WISHING TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS.

The downside to this, my amigos? It’s not a live-blog. Boo. But still, I’m starting halfway through the Spurs/Clippers game, and it’s the end of the night (so I’ll sound like an idiot).


Shall we?

1). I owe an apology to Chris Bosh. I made fun of him for quite some time. It was kinda my thing (as a marginally employed beefy blogger with little direction in life, I felt that was my right). But good gawd meng. I had no idea how important he was to that team. His stats don’t seem like much…but then I started listening to these talking heads yapping about how he spreads the floor, how he sets all the screens (and when he sets them, the defense has to respect his ability to pop back and hit the jumper), his agility, and his defense…he’s a tough player to replace. Anyhoo, the Heat lost to the Pacers tonight. Ha! Hey Bosh: IN YOUR FACE!

“We appreciate the apology from Chunk’s Revenge, it means a lot,” said Steve Urkel’s two alter egos, in a joint statement.

2). The Blazers are courting an assistant GM from the Pacers. I’ve watched them play and very much liked them. But then…I looked at where they drafted their players. Now I LOVE them. People point to OKC for running a great program, but they had the #2 and #4 picks when Durant and Westbrook were available. The Pacers? They’re competing big time with a core of guys that weren’t picked in the lottery. Out of their rotation players, take a quick guess at how many lottery guys they have. Ready? Two. Those two guys? Paul George (a 10th overall pick) and Tyler Hansborough (a 13th overall pick). And now…they’re a second round playoff team that just took down the Heat in Miami…with zero top 5 picks. My point being: Blazers…do what you need to do to get anyone from the Pacers front office to Portland.

3). I’ve been yapping about the Pacers/Heat game because the Spurs/Clippers looked like it was over. But is there a comeback happening? I’m glad this is suddenly a game, but really all I’m hoping for is a battle of wits between Kenyon Martin and Tim Duncan.

Kenyon: “Your reality may lead you to believe that you have bested me, but who is to say that YOUR reality is in fact reality!?”
Tim: “Don’t pull the Allegory of the Cave card on me, Kenyon. My reality is real: championship rings and the finest booty San Antonio has to offer.”

4). Just saw a commercial for Men In Black 3. I’ve said I won’t see it…but I probably will. BUT, I won’t be happy about it. I have a big beef with my BFF Big Willy Style (aka Will Smith) ever since I found out that he turned down the lead role in Quentin Tarantino’s new movie. ”Django Unchained” will be awesome…it would have been way more awesome with the Fresh Prince.

5). Tony Parker with a dime to Ginobli. Parker’s master plan of earning back his teammate’s trust by dishing no look passes (only to send cock shot sext messages to his teammate’s wives, ala Mrs. Brent Barry) is coming to fruition. Thank goodness for that.

Bonjour. I need your wife’s cell phone number. For what? For, um…emergencies. Yes. Emergencies. You can trust me. Look into my eyes. I ooze loyalty. I’m a trustworthy man. You’re welcome. Au revoir.

6). Whenever a trade happens, it seems that everyone immediately tries to find a winner and loser. I blame the 24 hour news cycle and smug bloggers (holla!). But sometimes…crazily, there are win-win scenarios. Crazy…but true. The Spurs and the Pacers both improved based on the Kawhi Leonard for George Hill trade. How did I come to this conclusion? Because I would sprint ass naked around Pioneer Courthouse Square if they ended up on the Blazers. They may not be superstars, but they’re both ballers, and if you don’t want them on your team, you’re nothing but a Fantasy Basketball fan. To clarify, you don’t know dick about basketball. You only study the back of basketball cards. Yeah. I said it.

7). I just brought up a trade that benefitted the Pacers. Sure would like a guy from that organization helping out around Portland…just sayin’….

8). So yeah. About those Clippers…the Spurs vs. Thunder series will really be something!

9). Zooey Deschanel is a goddamned phony. Yes, I know this is the second time I’ve mentioned her in a running blog post, but let me explain. I always figured that she was some indie musical artist and/or independent film actress who just fell into stardom with the success of the show New Girl. My wife though, tells me otherwise. Zooey, you see, was recently featured in an article outlining her success. Turns out…she was raised in Hollywood, went to one of those “born to be a star” schools, and has been very specific in how she strived for superstardom ever since. I’ve been bamboozled. This is worse than when I found out that “Florence and the Machine” was in the mainstream music scene. That’s my band! Not yours!

So what. I like Florence and the Machine. You got a problem with that? Listen to her albums “Lungs” and “Ceremonials”. There. Your problem is gone. You’re welcome.

10). Just a reminder as to why you should watch the postgame show on TNT. If you’re just TOO BUSY (!) to watch a two minute video, fast forward to 1:30, and know they’re talking about Kenny Smith mispronouncing the Gasol brothers names. Check Chuck Barkley’s explanation. The man should be president. End of story.

11). Brief post this time (thank goodness) but just a recap: Pacers beat Heat, Spurs beat Clippers, Kings beat Coyotes to stay unbeaten on the road in the NHL Playoffs (even though there was ZERO mention of this during the post), and the Portland Timbers draw in Houston (0-0…sure wish I watched that one).

Notes for the week: I’m back to running this week and am bringing along brothergage. If/when I get injured, I’ll report back.

Until next time bozos. I’m out.


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