Drunk Blogging the NBA Playoffs, a Very Mature Thing To Do
Excellent news. I’ve been recruited by a group of go-getters that is going to make me some of that internet money.
Late start on my live drunk blog. Apologies. I had a very important business meeting about merging https://fourthquartermeltdown.wordpress.com in with a cookie-cutter-slam-dunk Comedy & Sports website run by some hottie named Sarah J. Phillips.
Notes to start: Sixers/Bulls just went to halftime, so I’m switching to Celts/Hawks. BAC % is 0.055% (still legal to drive…in your face).
Thought #1: This Jeff Teague character is enjoying his “no-Rondo-day”. Upon reviewing his statistics on ESPN.com, I got distracted and wondered: “Hey, marketing guy at ESPN.com…WTF?”
Actual banner ad on ESPN.com last night. That sound you hear is the sound of every woman in America swooning over this middle-aged sweatball increasing his libido (ooh-la-la!)
Thought #2: There can’t be a more militaristic and UN-fun-loving locker room than that of the Celtics (this is an unresearched, uneducated, unsubstantiated statement, and I’ve published it because THIS IS AMERICA). I know the whole “ubuntu” thing means they need to be “together” (obvi), but isn’t togetherness supposed to be fun? Granted, this may stem from the fact that I’ve always harbored a deep seeded grudge against the hypocrisy of all that is supposed to be “ubuntu” ever since they left Brian Scalabrine hanging on his attempted high fives.
Thought #3: Just switched back to Sixers/Bulls. Welp. Looks like Derrick Rose may have been kinda important for the Bulls. Screw this game. I’m leaving. BAC% update: 0.071%.
Thought #4: Paul Pierce just Tebow’d on the Atlanta Hawks logo. Awesome? Yes. Outdated? YOU BET YOUR BALLS. But I still don’t like him. Let me explain: when I was temporarily living in Plano, Texas (a suburb of Dallas to all of you who are not “in the know”) I got invited to a social function. Unsure of the dress code for the evening, I played it safe. I wore a striped Ralph Lauren polo shirt with khaki shorts and Sperry Topsiders (no socks, of course). Sadly my amigos, it was not appropriate club attire. Everyone called me “white boy” (but in a very casual, nice kinda way, like the bartender inquiring “What ya want white boy?”), I got shitfaced, bumped into a big guy, smiled goofily when I realized he was Paul Pierce, told him “Heh”, and he ignored me like a big jerk. That was only my second most awkward moment with a professional athlete that evening. Kenyon Martin gave me a very bewildered look due to my club attire, shook his head at me, and not so subtly hoped I’d walk away. In fairness, I didn’t know I was going to be clubbing. So there. (Note: That may seem like a joke, but I swear on my nuts, every bit of that story is 1000% true…the truest and most awkward tale of my 20’s).
DRUNK BLOG HALFTIME: Celts win, Bulls need Rose to be competitive, thoughts on the Sixers will have to wait for another time, and I’m skipping the rest of the Bulls/Sixers game to take a hot tub. Nuggets/Lakers up next, more pointless, irrelevant, borderline-illiterate blogging to follow.
Thought #5: I skipped the hot tub, and had a beer with my mom while she gave me a tour of her garden, because I’m an adult. Back to basketball – if this Nuggets/Lakers game is a rout, I’ll be pissed as all heck that I wasted my first drunk live blog on this shit. Honestly, I got giddy about the prospect of the blog tonight due to my misunderstanding that the Clippers played tonight. That’s the series we should all watch – for the madness, for the play, for the intensity, and most importantly, for Motaw. BAC% update: 0.092%.
Both play ball. Both are instigators on the court. Both have the rugged good looks of Avon Barksdale. The one difference between Motaw (from “Above the Rim”) and Reggie Evans (of the Clippers) is their weapons of choice when shit goes down. Motaw prefers his 9 milli. Reggie creepily/sensually flips the bird.
Thought #6: The Blazers could have had Kenneth Faried. But no General Manager shall ever pass up Nolan Smith if the opportunity presents itself (barf).
Thought #7: Sad to say, but although I’m a diehard Blazer fan, if I had to pay full value for a ticket, I’d rather watch a live game of the Jazz, Nuggets, Thunder, and even TWolves (with Love and Rubio, though). In other words, this year, I’d rather pay to watch every single divisional rival of my hometown team. This is what happens when your team doesn’t have a GM, coach, or identity. (I should probably stop talking about the Blazers, it speeds up the chugging.)
Thought #8: Is Zooey Deschanel hot? She’s in some Siri themed commercial. I don’t know. She was really mean to Joseph Gordon Levitt in the movie “500 Days of Summer” so she’s been on my shit list for quite awhile. Please send me your opinions regarding her hotness. I work on the binary hotness scale (ZERO = you wouldn’t, ONE = you would…if you catch my drift). BAC% update: 0.12%
Thought #9: Great block by Javale. Or was it Pierre?
Does Javale Mcgee have an alter ego? Is his alter ego a cartoon named Pierre? Does he take the time to tweet pictures of himself with “Pierre’s” face on top? Answers: yes, yes, and yes.
Thought #10: Really great undertone to this backup PG contest. Nate McMillan REFUSED to start Andre Miller over Steve Blake when Dre signed in Portland (for too many reasons to explain). This led to a blowup between Dre and Nate, then the eventual trading of Steve Blake in favor of Dre (even though Blake re-signed with the team in the first place because he makes his permanent home in Portland). Both are ornery, old school types that bust their asses every play of the season. One is way better (Dre, duh) but this matchup is more intriguing than the Sessions/Lawson matchup for two reasons: 1). They aren’t as quick and athletic, so they pick their spots or do chippy little things to get an advantage. 2). There’s a much higher chance that they exchange blows due to the tough/old-school/Nate-starting-PG beef from their Trail Blazer days.
Yes. That was a legitimate thought at the time. In fairness, I was a wee bit tipsy. I like Steve Blake from his days in Portland…sue me. That said, this picture must be added after that comment. It is well deserved.
Thought #11: If this Progressive Insurance gal doesn’t cool the eff out she’s gonna help the world better themselves for free, then die alone. Horrible business model, bimbo.
TIMEOUT FOR LAPTOP RECHARGE & ATTEMPTED AUTHOR SOBERIZATION
Thought #12: I just took a break from this thang. Want to get ramped up for the 4th quarter. Ashton Kutcher has better seats than the Beckham’s, and he’s also wearing the hat of a local high class high school in the Malibu Hills. Ashton is so damned cool that I could just piss myself in giddiness.
Thought #13: How about that Joe Dumars? “I don’t like this Aron Afflalo on our team…let him go. Get me Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon STAT!”
Thought #14: “The suave, eloquence of Mike Brown makes me know that he’d be a dream in the sack” – quote, every woman in America. BAC% update: 0.15%. I know I said I’d get drunk for this blog and all, but I’m only having one more beer…I’m throwing in the towel!
Thought #15: So that “great undertone between backup PG’s” comment from earlier? Totally come to fruition. Just check the stats (note: stats withheld). Side note: did my soccer mom mentality about former Blazers lead me to compare Steve Blake to one of my favorite PG’s of this generation? Yes. Yes it did.
Thought #16: George Karl is a freaking motivator. This year’s squad is made up of role players, castoffs, and knuckleheads. Yet, he gets the most out of all of them (see, Corey Brewer, Javale McGee, Aron Afflalo, and every other player on the roster). Free agents looking to redefine themselves? Call Denver. Right now. Wait…no. Call the Blazers. They are real go getters and have really nice and loyal fans.
Interested in joining the Trail Blazers as a free agent? Call Paul Allen’s right hand man, the front runner for the vacant GM position.
Thought #17: Piggybacking on mentioning Javale McGee, it’s amazing what a good environment does to a talented player. Follow him on Twitter. Like right now.
Thought #18: Okay… 1). Why is a Linkin Park ditty the song for the NBA Playoffs? 2). Why did TNT’s commentators feel the need to point out the “rapper” of the group in the stands in LA? Linkin Park is less relevant than P!nk, Avril Lavigne, or Sum 41.
Thought #19: Pathetic (but very true) thought – many Laker fans are probably longing for Derek Fisher rather than Ramon Sessions during the closing minutes of this game (102-96 lead for the Lakers with 20 seconds left…note: Sessions made two free throws to put them up 6). As for me, I just long to see the Steve Blake/Andre Miller matchup. It’d be a clash of the titans.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Bulls are done. Celts will beat the Hawks (with or without Josh Smith). The Lakers will beat the Nuggets, but I like watching the Nugs more. Finally, I am 0.17% drunk.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
See ya next time.
(ANNOUNCEMENT: PODCAST COMING SOON (probably))
Fourth Quarter Meltdown 