Fourth Quarter Meltdown

Eternally Optimistic.

Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Goin’, Goin’, Back, Back, to Cali, Cali: Assessing the Sporting Landscape of Los Angeles

“Oh my dazzling hubby…how I’ve missed your unending wit, your machismo, your muscular physique, and the creative liberties you take when describing yourself.”

I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I had a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.  Thank you for asking.  Minor highlights include: using my new Weber grill for the first time, barbequing some stank ass pre-marinated steak from Trader Joe’s (as I do), running/biking for the first time in 6 weeks, then negating every positive effect this would have on my body composition by oinking out on fried foods and getting hammered drunk, because I’m a grown ass man.

It’s okay, this is socially acceptable because I worked out today.

The big highlight, though, was that I got to go home for the first time in a couple of weeks, and graced the greater Los Angeles area with my presence.  If you’ve perused the About Me section of this blog, you know I’m married, and thus anytime I can return to my lovely wifey, that’s a good thing.  Working 1,000 miles away from my better half is no picnic, amigos, and when I’m away it leads to a bunch of down time & the need to distract myself.  Hence the blog. 

As for the city of LA, when I was paying enough attention one thing was very clear: the sporting landscape is in a tizzy.  Let’s assess, shall we?

Thought #1: The city suddenly recognizes hockey as a sport, and everyone is now a Kings fan.

For quite some time now I have remained steadfast in one opinion of the Los Angeles sports scene: Kings games are above and beyond the best events to attend live.  Strangely enough, them making the Stanley Cup Finals could potentially throw a wrench into my opinion.  Contrary to popular opinion, every Los Angeles club has a diehard following.  It’s just that the Lakers (and now the Clippers) have been ahead of the curve in pricing out the diehards, and catering to indifferent yuppies that cheer cautiously, lest they wish to turn into a GIF for actually showing emotion

With the success of the Kings, I fear that the club may head in that direction starting next season.  Whether they win or lose the Cup, let’s hope the bandwagoners jump ship quickly.  It’s also important to note that the diehards don’t particularly care for the reputation that the yuppies have bestowed upon them, and any opinionated out-of-Staters (like me) are subject to ridicule for poking fun.  After living in the area for so long, I’m due for a confrontation with the diehards, in which they sit me down and speak their collective minds.  I know how it’ll go.  I’ve accepted it.

Thought #2: The Lakers being ousted from the playoffs is all Pau Gasol’s fault.

Hey everyone!  It’s Los Angeles’ fave scapegoat!  I’m not gonna defend Pau’s play or anything, but every year the Lakers don’t win the championship, the same thing happens: everyone blames all players not named Kobe, and start yapping about franchise altering trades that have to be done.  Last year on a post game studio broadcast Lisa Leslie and Michael Cooper discussed the need for acquiring Chris Paul and Dwight Howard.  In their scenarios they gave up “one of their stars” (Pau Gasol), dumped salary (Ron Artest), and added a throw-in (Steve Blake).  (IMPORTANT NOTE: they believed this would net them both CP3 and D12).  So they would end up with a top 4 of CP3, Kobe, Howard and Bynum.  They really mean this when they say it.  They don’t pay attention to nit-picky things like “trade value” or “salary cap implications”.  Get ready for more trade “rumors” to be leaked from LA.  They’ll somehow have themselves trading for Dwight Howard and signing Deron Williams, while only giving up Gasol and a handful of backups.  Guaranteed. 

Thought #3: Vinny Del Negro had his option picked up for next season, which means the sky is falling.

In fairness, the sky should be falling.  We’re talking about the Clippers, bozos.  They had a good season this past year, which means they’re due for several seasons of disappointments.  That’s just how the universe works.  All I have to say about Vinny is that I don’t care.  Maybe he’s a lousy coach, maybe he’s not the right man for the job, but none of that matters.  I’ve spent the past several months wondering who he looks like.  Sometimes I think Luke Wilson.  Other times I think Daniel Baldwin.  I could never pinpoint it.  It was infuriating.  Twenty years ago, we’d never have a definitive answer.  But now, I can just take to the internet and see what a Luke Wilson/Daniel Baldwin baby would look like.  Thank goodness for the internet. 

It’s just math really. 50% Luke Wilson + 50% Daniel Baldwin = 100% Vinny Del Negro. #Science

Final thoughts: On tap for the week – more playoff games and even more importantly, the NBA Draft Lottery.  I’ve gone over this in my head several times, and with the Blazers poised to get two potential lottery picks, I can’t think of a scenario in which I’m NOT screaming and/or crying.  But will it be out of dismay or exhilaration?  Time will tell amigos.  Time will tell.


Starting the Weekend Early: Discussing Elite Athlete V-Cards, Buffalo Wings & Fair Weather Fans

Happy Friday amigos.  It’s 2:00-ish and a long weekend awaits.  If you’re reading this, you’re at work, so I have one question for you:

Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Hey, I’m not at work…I read this in my spare time!”  If that’s the case, then shame on you.  Keep that to yourself.  If your personal life includes reading two-bit blogs about complete and utter nonsense then you should seriously reexamine your priorities in life.  Go outside, shoot some hoops, ride a bike, take part in a flash mob, go get laid, whatever.  This blog is strictly intended for procrastination purposes.  Example: it’s 2:00-ish, and it’s Friday.  What should I be doing? 

Your valiant blogger has NEVER failed a Procrastination Test. #TeamNoBozo

So, here are a couple end o’ the week thoughts to get the weekend started:

Thought #1: LoLo Jones’ V-Card

A couple of things about LoLo for those of you who are not “in the know”.  She’s  an Olympic hurdler.  She’s a looker (in a ripped, “I can kick the shit out of you” kinda way).  And she just acknowledged in an interview that she’s a 29 year old virgin.  Naturally, some are suggesting that she hook up with everyone’s fave champion of virginity, Tim Tebow.  If that happened, it would probably be the most spastic and awkward hookup of all time. 

Tim: “Ew.” LoLo: “Ouch! Tim, you’re hurting me.”
Tim: “NUH-UH. YOU are hurting ME!” LoLo: “Hey, I think you’re supposed to go slower.”
Tim: “NUH-UH. You’re supposed to go fast. Go big or go home.” LoLo: “Can we just dry hump instead?”
Tim: “YES. Go put your jeans on. #Winning.”

Thought #2: Buffalo Wings on Memorial Day

I’m back in California to spend some time with my wifey during the long weekend.  A Buffalo Wild Wings opened 0.4 miles from our apartment, which means I pretty much have to go.  I’m just assuming it’s a lot like Hooters except without the main draw for going to Hooters in the first place (wink wink).

Look, all I want are some greasy D-grade Buffalo Wings. I don’t care what my server looks like, okay?!

Thought #3: Did you know that everyone in Los Angeles is a Kings fan now?

I have no words.  Just…ugh. 

Question: “Hey, who’s your favorite sports team?”
Answer(s), listed in order from December 1st, 2011 to now: “Lakers, Angels, Clippers, Dodgers, Clippers, Lakers, Kings.”

Thought #4: A goal for all of you this weekend

It’s Memorial Day weekend.  It’s okay to BBQ, get crunked, have fun and enjoy your day off.   But all joking aside, if you’re out & about and encounter a veteran this weekend, shake his or her hand.  Buy them a beer.  Buy their movie ticket.  On Monday we honor the fallen, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take the opportunity to thank those still with us. 

Have a good weekend bozos.  Until next time.

Pacers/Heat: Game 5 – A Grown Ass Man Sorts Through the Rubble

“You are a choke artist LeBron. You missed one free throw in the third quarter of a game. After you find out that I think this, I bet you don’t lead the Heat to two straight wins, and average 35PPG, 14RPG, and 9APG in the process. My name is Lance, by the way.”

When you’re bored you kinda become a one-trick pony. But here’s the thing about one-trick ponies: at least they’re halfway decent at something.

As for me? I’m not even a one-trick pony. But I like to pretend that I’m arguably decent at mind-bogglingly senseless half-baked blogs about the NBA Playoffs. Normally I’d get drunk, maybe track my BAC %, and live blog the thoughts. But it’s Tuesday, amigos. I can’t be getting crunked and live blog at the beginning of the work week. So instead, I opted to watch tonight’s Pacers/Heat game with my old pal Mike, got buzzed on Costco pizza, came home, and decided it was high time to SPEAK MY MIND about this series. Because obviously, when there’s a tense series full of trash talk and flagrant fouls, with the Conference Finals at stake, only one person’s thoughts matter: this guy’s.

Chunk’s Revenge resident NBA expert on all things not-basketball.

If you’ve read these running NBA posts before and don’t care for them, let me give you a word of advice: jump ship. Like right…meow.

The rest of you’s…shall we?

Thought #1: When TNT cut away from the studio, the first shot they showed was one of those side by side “showdown” shots that had very fierce looking pics of Danny Granger and LeBron James. Granger’s fierce face, to put it lightly, needs some work. It’s the exact same face I used to make when I was a wiener little kindergartner pretending to be the big bad wolf (make believe games were the only times I could fantasize about being a tough guy – some things just never change). I actually like Danny Granger, but looking at that pic didn’t make me think about a rough and rugged series. It was a reminder that this series is ripe with studio gangstas.

LeBron: “What the heck, you big bully! You knocked off my headband!”
Granger: “That’s just how Los Lobos of UNM do things, pal! Step to the real!”

Thought #2: Somewhere along the line each home crowd started wearing matching colored t-shirts. Everyone wore red for the Clippers, blue for the Thunder, yellow for the Pacers, and so on. Miami wears white. Of course. Most of them aren’t even wearing t-shirts. Whoever runs marketing for the Heat is just a genius and realized that rather than making thousands of matching t-shirts (that would be given to each fan for free), they just announced that everyone should wear white.  They’re all going to the clubs anyways, so it’s only natural to pre-funk in club attire: white linen button-up/sport coat/Affliction brand tees.

Heat games: a Miami pre-party hotspot during May and June.

Thought #3: Udonis Haslem had a nice moment. He sought vengeance on behalf of Dwayne Wade’s face and every Duke basketball fans ego by basically punching Tyler Hansbrough in the face. No ejection though. Which would be fine by me but I’m pretty sure the NBA turned into a pretty pussy league after RonRon Artest got a beer thrown on him a few years ago (and, you know, beat up a fan in Detroit and incited the biggest riot in NBA history).

“It has come to my attention that during play, Lance Stephenson called Juwan Howard a butthead and in a senseless act of retaliation, Juwan pinched Lance’s nipple. They have been fined $50,000 apiece. There is no place in the game for such chicanery and thuggery.”

Thought #4: So…about that LeBron James. I’ve never seen the best living basketball player be so motivated by slights of role players or flat-out no name bench warmers. Jordan kind of did this, but he really went after everyone, especially if he felt like a guy was trying to challenge his throne (including my boy Clyde “The Glide” Drexler). LeBron doesn’t puff his chest when other superstars question his game (like Kobe during the All Star Game). He gets motivated when Anthony Tolliver makes a funny YouTube video spoofing “The Decision” or when Lance Stephenson (if you just said “who?” you’re not the only one) makes a choking gesture in his direction after a missed free throw.

Thought #5: Fun fact about Lance Stephenson. His brother’s first name is “Lantz”. You can’t make this stuff up.

Thought #6: My brother and I were talking and he brought up a good point. Since LeBron will always be associated with the infamous “bringing my talents to South Beach” comment, shouldn’t he just own it? Like after their Game 4 win in Indiana he was asked “what’s next” for the team. Why not just respond, “Well, we just gotta take it one game at a time. Now we gotta take our talents back to South Beach and try to put our best foot forward in Game 5”. He should be saying that same line at least fifty times a year. I would hope that he’s trademarked the phrase by now.

Reporter: “LeBron, you’ve done a lot of work for the Boys and Girls Club recently, care to comment on that?”
LeBron: “Well, it’s all about the kids. We gotta keep improving though. Me and my team will just have to take our talents to South Beach, regroup, and and see how we can keep up the good work.”

Thought #7: Good news everyone. Adam Sandler has a new movie coming out. Andy Samberg is in it. Hijinks will ensue.

Thought #8: Teaming Shaq with Charles Barkley in the TNT studio has led to some growing pains in Shaq’s new career. Everyone always assumed Shaq was a witty character, and would be a natural in studio banter. But his wit was showcased during his playing days, and honestly, he wasn’t always that funny. Just funny from time to time. Teaming him with Chuck, who’s always on, exposed that maybe he isn’t as funny as we all thought he was. Maybe he’ll be okay. But he’ll have to accept that in terms of humor, he’ll always be second banana to the Chuckster.

Shaq: “…then he said do you love me, and she said no…but that’s a really nice ski mask!”

Thought #9: Among its cast of characters, the forgotten member of this TNT crew is Mr. Ernie Johnson. It’s not just that he’s the glue guy, the one person that keeps the studio banter on course (somewhat). It’s that he’s the prototype for the uptight awkward white guy. The other guys recognize this, and try to put him on the spot from time to time. Side note: my fave moment in the past couple of days –Shaq (during one of his good moments) went in for a high five with Ernie but held up the backside of his hand and said, “hit me with the black side”. Ernie complied, but not before giggling oddly, making a sound that can’t be spelled. If I were to try, it would be “kheee!”, probably while spitting a little. I pointed this out to my pal Mike, and he came up with the perfect comparison. Ernie Johnson is “Brandt” from The Big Lebowski. I had been trying to put my finger on who he reminded me of. Now I can die in peace.

Thought #10: Spoiler alert, the game got out of hand. Thoughts on that later.

Thought #11: I told myself that since I’ve already mentioned her during both of my NBA Playoff blogs that I wouldn’t do it again. But I can’t help it. Zooey Deschanel’s Siri commercial got me thinking yet again. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to ask Siri if it’s raining? It clearly is. I get that the whole purpose of the ad is to show how lazy she’s being (because it’s so cute and oddball of her) but come on. You’re wasting your data plan, Zooey. That’s just reckless. There was a time when I thought we could be BFF’s. But now I’m not so sure. There can only be one lazy person in any friendship. And I call dibs bitch.

Thought #12: Pacers lose control to end the first half, get rocked in the third, and the Heat never looked back. Somewhere, David Stern is rejoicing. The Western Conference Finals will be featuring the 36th and 44th largest television markets. If Indiana were to advance, he might just croak. Before you go thinking that’s a good thing, just remember, Adam Silver is next in line for the commish spot.

“Come on Pacers…ol’ Adam is ready to take the reigns…”

Finally, Thoughts on the Greg Oden Era (Because I Like to Torture Myself)

As to be expected in Portland, several thousand Blazers fans skipped school and work on June 29th, 2007 to join in the festivities welcoming Greg Oden to Rip City. Priorities are a wee-bit different around here, as this is the city where young people go to retire.

In sports, I’m a sucker for two things: an underdog story and a redemption story. I’m drawn to those that are down on their luck or those clawing their way back onto their feet when they fall. If I have a rooting interest in the team that the underdog or redemption-seeker is on, then just forget it. The sentiment just increases tenfold. Sometimes it works out. But sometimes life’s a bitch, and there just isn’t any justice when it comes to my wishful thinking. Which brings us to the purpose of this post, which is a long time coming: Mr. Greg Oden.

You see, amigos, I’m a big Portland Trail Blazers fan. When the Blazers landed the #1 pick I can tell you where I was (at work in the San Fernando Valley, at the end of the day), how I found out about the Lottery win (I went onto to see if they stayed at #7 to land Thaddeus Young), what I did when I realized they had landed the #1 pick (yelped in disbelief, leapt from my seat, and told my boss I was leaving early), and what I did the rest of the evening (called everyone I knew from back home, and yapped on the phone for no less than three straight hours).

That was a good day. I’ll just remember it as such.

At this point we all know how the rest played out. Everyone says it was Bowie 2.0. Nope. When Bowie wasn’t panning out, the Blazers traded him to New Jersey for a Power Forward named Buck Williams…who only became one of the most beloved players in Portland’s franchise history. Oden got waived to make room for Shawne Williams after the Gerald Wallace trade. Sweet Jesus, that’s a depressing start to this post. But (spoiler alert!) if Oden comes back I will root for a redemption, a comeback story, a colossal F-YOU to his naysayers – but only if he signs with any team other than the Heat. The Heat don’t provide the karmic retribution you’re seeking Greg! Don’t fall into the temptation!

Greetings, Gregory. I promise you fame and fortune. But more importantly, I promise you vengeance upon all those who doubted you. Join ME, Darth Wade, Darth James, and Darth Bosh. I will give you one year minimum contract. You’re welcome. Sincerely, Pat Riley

What this whole weblog is really about is a delayed response to a piece by Mark Titus. It was, I must say, legit. Very well done, indeed. That said, there are a couple of clarifications that must be addressed. Let’s address them in bullet format shall we? (Note: when I speak of Greg Oden, I will refer to him on a first name basis, because that’s just how Blazers fans do things…or at least that’s how my mom does it. And she is was a season ticket holder. So there.)

1). Mark Titus (who earned infinity cool points for his Club Trillion blog while at Ohio State, and for his Rainmaker YouTube video) did the radio interview circuit after his story got posted. The feedback he received was that everyone liked it, except for Portland fans who are bitter. I’m sure he knows this, but bozos that tweet garbage at journalists, or athletes, or any celeb, don’t represent an entire fanbase. As someone that was in Portland when his article got published and spoke to many diehard Blazers fans, the responses I got were the following:
a). “That guy (Greg) can’t catch a break.”
b). Sit in silence, shake head depressingly.
Any implication that Portland fans are bitter is completely accurate. But not towards Greg. We’re all just pissed at that nasty little bitch we call FATE.

2). Not sure if this needs clarification, as Titus never mentioned the fans in this little tidbit, but whatever. I’m gonna do it anyways. As a fanbase that dissects every monotonous detail about the franchise, their management, their players and everything in between – to think that we haven’t considered the quality of the training staff is absurd. The thought has floated around for quite some time. Since Greg’s downfall and Brandon Roy needing to retire at 26, the thought still lingers but with the stench of a silent gasser laid by a drunken old man who just feasted on a deviled egg buffet.

Greg: I think I know the problem. Your knees aren’t healing quickly enough because they’re weak. They’re brittle. My suggestion: smash a hammer on them before you do any exercise. It will toughen them up. Also, take up smoking. It will curb your appetite during rehabilitation.

3). And here’s the quote from Titus’ piece that flabbergasted many. Greg’s quote about Portland not being an ideal spot “for a young African American man with money”. Many folks seemed confused by this statement. Titus, when asked about it during radio interviews, said that he was confused as well. He asked Greg to elaborate, to which he replied, “I’ll just leave it at that.” I won’t try to decipher his statement, but let’s just point out some facts:
a). Portland is a progressive and eclectic city. It’s also very white. The mention of this may cause my fellow whiteys to get fidgety and/or ornery. But if you’re a minority and coming to a city with little diversity (as nice and free and accepting as they may be) it would be understandable if it caused some discomfort if it’s not something you’re used to. That said, I will pontificate on one matter. I think Greg was overcomplicating the reason for it being a tough place to be. The simplest answer: PORTLAND IS A TOUGH PLACE TO BE IF YOU’RE EXPECTED TO BE A FRANCHISE SAVIOR BEFORE YOU EVER PLAYED A GAME, AND YOU ARE THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE GUY IN THE STATE.
b). Portland’s fans, they’re great (obvi, because I’m one of them). But we overanalyze everything, we know way too much about all of our players, we overhype them, and even as grown ass men we buy their jerseys. So it’s easy to guess that we recognize them when they’re out in public, and we consider them one of our own. If Travis Outlaw were approached in the streets, guess what would happen to a 7 footer who also happened to be the best big man prospect since Lew Alcindor? No matter what, there was never a place to hide. If things were going well, that would be one thing. But with injuries and disappointments, that’s another. It’s not that people were mean to Greg. They were probably annoyingly supportive, and their “encouragement” often had a pressure-filled undertone. Nobody wanted him to be the next Sam Bowie. They wanted him to be the next Bill Russell. My assumption is that no matter how nice they tried to be, that desperation would show through in the tone of their voices, or how they ended conversations (my favorite conversation ender, as told by a friend that overheard this at a bar one night after an unknown fan offered some unsolicited advice: “Don’t let us down”). When he got hurt, the burdensome history of the franchise fell on his ability to recover. And when there’s just one professional team in town…good luck trying to escape that talk.
c). Finally, Portland’s media, they’re awesome. They dig deep for a story, they get a good gauge on the mood of the team, have terrific insight, all that stuff. But they are also batshit freaking crazy, especially with the Blazers. Introverted Down On His Luck Franchise Savior + Batshit Crazy Reporters = Not A Good Combo. For goodness sake, Greg had to do a rush hour radio interview about his cockshot the day it was leaked. A beat reporter did a “behind the scenes” piece that referenced Greg taking a dump. Good God, man. Are no things sacred? I get what these guys are trying to do: connect a small community with their team, but these would be embarrassing moments for an extrovert.

We don’t really need to use the toilet. We just heard that Greg Oden is in there. It’s okay, we’re reporters. We have credentials and everything. We have a right to be here.

My point is, Portland isn’t a bad place to be. It’s just different. And if a once in a generation super-talent is struggling and seeking privacy, it would be hard to get that around here. It’s not because you’re young and African American and rich. It’s because you were our Russell. And when the wheels started coming off, everyone started panicking or moping or talking about Sam Bowie, which probably didn’t help.

Alas, it didn’t work out in Portland, Greg. I wouldn’t blame you if you never came back, but someday I hope you do. Maybe our franchise is run by jackasses (duh). Maybe the trainers only read Encyclopedias from the 1950’s, and don’t have internet access. Maybe the team, the reporters, the overwhelming high expectations of the city were overbearing. I don’t know. But the fans always liked you and rooted for you, whether you were hurt or not. And based on the conversations I’ve had around town, that sentiment will remain the same when you land on a new team.

So as a Blazers fan, I mean this. Go get healthy. If your health allows, sign with another team. Be a contributor. Define your own legacy. Go to the Suns or Pacers or whatever place gives you the best chance to succeed. But please. For the love of God. Don’t sign with the Heat.

So what? This pic was taken while he was at Ohio State. But this proves one thing: he’ll always look best in red and white (that’s my stretch to say he’ll always look best in a Blazers uni, you big condescending jerks!)

A Valiant Comeback (?): More Bullshit Blogging of My Brilliant NBA Playoff Thoughts

Your valiant blogger took more than a week off from Chunk’s Revenge, and acted like a fatcat, to boot. Will he make it up to you? Doubtful. But have hope. Note: boozing while reading may increase chances of feeling redeemed.

I’m kinda a math guy. As proof, I have a couple of equations…

First: 1.8 weeks + 0.0 blog posts = BOZO AUTHOR.
Second: 2.0 hours at airport bar waiting for a ride + 0.5 hours in car talking about how nice a day it is + 1,000 bars in Portland opening their patios because of the sun = QUASI-BUZZED AUTHOR WHOLE-HEARTEDLY WISHING TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS.

The downside to this, my amigos? It’s not a live-blog. Boo. But still, I’m starting halfway through the Spurs/Clippers game, and it’s the end of the night (so I’ll sound like an idiot).


Shall we?

1). I owe an apology to Chris Bosh. I made fun of him for quite some time. It was kinda my thing (as a marginally employed beefy blogger with little direction in life, I felt that was my right). But good gawd meng. I had no idea how important he was to that team. His stats don’t seem like much…but then I started listening to these talking heads yapping about how he spreads the floor, how he sets all the screens (and when he sets them, the defense has to respect his ability to pop back and hit the jumper), his agility, and his defense…he’s a tough player to replace. Anyhoo, the Heat lost to the Pacers tonight. Ha! Hey Bosh: IN YOUR FACE!

“We appreciate the apology from Chunk’s Revenge, it means a lot,” said Steve Urkel’s two alter egos, in a joint statement.

2). The Blazers are courting an assistant GM from the Pacers. I’ve watched them play and very much liked them. But then…I looked at where they drafted their players. Now I LOVE them. People point to OKC for running a great program, but they had the #2 and #4 picks when Durant and Westbrook were available. The Pacers? They’re competing big time with a core of guys that weren’t picked in the lottery. Out of their rotation players, take a quick guess at how many lottery guys they have. Ready? Two. Those two guys? Paul George (a 10th overall pick) and Tyler Hansborough (a 13th overall pick). And now…they’re a second round playoff team that just took down the Heat in Miami…with zero top 5 picks. My point being: Blazers…do what you need to do to get anyone from the Pacers front office to Portland.

3). I’ve been yapping about the Pacers/Heat game because the Spurs/Clippers looked like it was over. But is there a comeback happening? I’m glad this is suddenly a game, but really all I’m hoping for is a battle of wits between Kenyon Martin and Tim Duncan.

Kenyon: “Your reality may lead you to believe that you have bested me, but who is to say that YOUR reality is in fact reality!?”
Tim: “Don’t pull the Allegory of the Cave card on me, Kenyon. My reality is real: championship rings and the finest booty San Antonio has to offer.”

4). Just saw a commercial for Men In Black 3. I’ve said I won’t see it…but I probably will. BUT, I won’t be happy about it. I have a big beef with my BFF Big Willy Style (aka Will Smith) ever since I found out that he turned down the lead role in Quentin Tarantino’s new movie. ”Django Unchained” will be awesome…it would have been way more awesome with the Fresh Prince.

5). Tony Parker with a dime to Ginobli. Parker’s master plan of earning back his teammate’s trust by dishing no look passes (only to send cock shot sext messages to his teammate’s wives, ala Mrs. Brent Barry) is coming to fruition. Thank goodness for that.

Bonjour. I need your wife’s cell phone number. For what? For, um…emergencies. Yes. Emergencies. You can trust me. Look into my eyes. I ooze loyalty. I’m a trustworthy man. You’re welcome. Au revoir.

6). Whenever a trade happens, it seems that everyone immediately tries to find a winner and loser. I blame the 24 hour news cycle and smug bloggers (holla!). But sometimes…crazily, there are win-win scenarios. Crazy…but true. The Spurs and the Pacers both improved based on the Kawhi Leonard for George Hill trade. How did I come to this conclusion? Because I would sprint ass naked around Pioneer Courthouse Square if they ended up on the Blazers. They may not be superstars, but they’re both ballers, and if you don’t want them on your team, you’re nothing but a Fantasy Basketball fan. To clarify, you don’t know dick about basketball. You only study the back of basketball cards. Yeah. I said it.

7). I just brought up a trade that benefitted the Pacers. Sure would like a guy from that organization helping out around Portland…just sayin’….

8). So yeah. About those Clippers…the Spurs vs. Thunder series will really be something!

9). Zooey Deschanel is a goddamned phony. Yes, I know this is the second time I’ve mentioned her in a running blog post, but let me explain. I always figured that she was some indie musical artist and/or independent film actress who just fell into stardom with the success of the show New Girl. My wife though, tells me otherwise. Zooey, you see, was recently featured in an article outlining her success. Turns out…she was raised in Hollywood, went to one of those “born to be a star” schools, and has been very specific in how she strived for superstardom ever since. I’ve been bamboozled. This is worse than when I found out that “Florence and the Machine” was in the mainstream music scene. That’s my band! Not yours!

So what. I like Florence and the Machine. You got a problem with that? Listen to her albums “Lungs” and “Ceremonials”. There. Your problem is gone. You’re welcome.

10). Just a reminder as to why you should watch the postgame show on TNT. If you’re just TOO BUSY (!) to watch a two minute video, fast forward to 1:30, and know they’re talking about Kenny Smith mispronouncing the Gasol brothers names. Check Chuck Barkley’s explanation. The man should be president. End of story.

11). Brief post this time (thank goodness) but just a recap: Pacers beat Heat, Spurs beat Clippers, Kings beat Coyotes to stay unbeaten on the road in the NHL Playoffs (even though there was ZERO mention of this during the post), and the Portland Timbers draw in Houston (0-0…sure wish I watched that one).

Notes for the week: I’m back to running this week and am bringing along brothergage. If/when I get injured, I’ll report back.

Until next time bozos. I’m out.

Drunk Blogging the NBA Playoffs, a Very Mature Thing To Do

Excellent news. I’ve been recruited by a group of go-getters that is going to make me some of that internet money.

Late start on my live drunk blog.  Apologies.  I had a very important business meeting about merging in with a cookie-cutter-slam-dunk Comedy & Sports website run by some hottie named Sarah J. Phillips. 

Notes to start: Sixers/Bulls just went to halftime, so I’m switching to Celts/Hawks.  BAC % is 0.055% (still legal to drive…in your face). 

Thought #1: This Jeff Teague character is enjoying his “no-Rondo-day”.  Upon reviewing his statistics on, I got distracted and wondered: “Hey, marketing guy at…WTF?” 

Actual banner ad on last night. That sound you hear is the sound of every woman in America swooning over this middle-aged sweatball increasing his libido (ooh-la-la!)

Thought #2: There can’t be a more militaristic and UN-fun-loving locker room than that of the Celtics (this is an unresearched, uneducated, unsubstantiated statement, and I’ve published it because THIS IS AMERICA).  I know the whole “ubuntu” thing means they need to be “together” (obvi), but isn’t togetherness supposed to be fun?  Granted, this may stem from the fact that I’ve always harbored a deep seeded grudge against the hypocrisy of all that is supposed to be “ubuntu” ever since they left Brian Scalabrine hanging on his attempted high fives.

Thought #3: Just switched back to Sixers/Bulls.  Welp.  Looks like Derrick Rose may have been kinda important for the Bulls.  Screw this game.  I’m leaving.  BAC% update: 0.071%. 

Thought #4: Paul Pierce just Tebow’d on the Atlanta Hawks logo.  Awesome?  Yes.  Outdated?  YOU BET YOUR BALLS.  But I still don’t like him.  Let me explain: when I was temporarily living in Plano, Texas (a suburb of Dallas to all of you who are not “in the know”) I got invited to a social function.  Unsure of the dress code for the evening, I played it safe.  I wore a striped Ralph Lauren polo shirt with khaki shorts and Sperry Topsiders (no socks, of course).  Sadly my amigos, it was not appropriate club attire.  Everyone called me “white boy” (but in a very casual, nice kinda way, like the bartender inquiring “What ya want white boy?”), I got shitfaced, bumped into a big guy, smiled goofily when I realized he was Paul Pierce, told him “Heh”, and he ignored me like a big jerk.  That was only my second most awkward moment with a professional athlete that evening.  Kenyon Martin gave me a very bewildered look due to my club attire, shook his head at me, and not so subtly hoped I’d walk away.  In fairness, I didn’t know I was going to be clubbing.  So there.  (Note: That may seem like a joke, but I swear on my nuts, every bit of that story is 1000% true…the truest and most awkward tale of my 20’s).

DRUNK BLOG HALFTIME: Celts win, Bulls need Rose to be competitive, thoughts on the Sixers will have to wait for another time, and I’m skipping the rest of the Bulls/Sixers game to take a hot tub.  Nuggets/Lakers up next, more pointless, irrelevant, borderline-illiterate blogging to follow. 

Thought #5: I skipped the hot tub, and had a beer with my mom while she gave me a tour of her garden, because I’m an adult.  Back to basketball – if this Nuggets/Lakers game is a rout, I’ll be pissed as all heck that I wasted my first drunk live blog on this shit.  Honestly, I got giddy about the prospect of the blog tonight due to my misunderstanding that the Clippers played tonight.  That’s the series we should all watch – for the madness, for the play, for the intensity, and most importantly, for Motaw.  BAC% update: 0.092%.

Both play ball. Both are instigators on the court. Both have the rugged good looks of Avon Barksdale. The one difference between Motaw (from “Above the Rim”) and Reggie Evans (of the Clippers) is their weapons of choice when shit goes down. Motaw prefers his 9 milli. Reggie creepily/sensually flips the bird.

Thought #6: The Blazers could have had Kenneth Faried.  But no General Manager shall ever pass up Nolan Smith if the opportunity presents itself (barf).

Thought #7: Sad to say, but although I’m a diehard Blazer fan, if I had  to pay full value for a ticket, I’d rather watch a live game of the Jazz, Nuggets, Thunder, and even TWolves (with Love and Rubio, though).  In other words, this year, I’d rather pay to watch every single divisional rival of my hometown team.  This is what happens when your team doesn’t have a GM, coach, or identity.  (I should probably stop talking about the Blazers, it speeds up the chugging.)

Thought #8: Is Zooey Deschanel hot?  She’s in some Siri themed commercial.  I don’t know.  She was really mean to Joseph Gordon Levitt in the movie “500 Days of Summer” so she’s been on my shit list for quite awhile.  Please send me your opinions regarding her hotness.  I work on the binary hotness scale (ZERO = you wouldn’t, ONE = you would…if you catch my drift).  BAC% update: 0.12%

Thought #9: Great block by Javale.  Or was it Pierre?

Does Javale Mcgee have an alter ego? Is his alter ego a cartoon named Pierre? Does he take the time to tweet pictures of himself with “Pierre’s” face on top? Answers: yes, yes, and yes.

Thought #10: Really great undertone to this backup PG contest.  Nate McMillan REFUSED to start Andre Miller over Steve Blake when Dre signed in Portland (for too many reasons to explain).  This led to a blowup between Dre and Nate, then the eventual trading of Steve Blake in favor of Dre (even though Blake re-signed with the team in the first place because he makes his permanent home in Portland).  Both are ornery, old school types that bust their asses every play of the season.  One is way better (Dre, duh) but this matchup is more intriguing than the Sessions/Lawson matchup for two reasons: 1). They aren’t as quick and athletic, so they pick their spots or do chippy little things to get an advantage.  2). There’s a much higher chance that they exchange blows due to the tough/old-school/Nate-starting-PG beef from their Trail Blazer days.

Yes. That was a legitimate thought at the time. In fairness, I was a wee bit tipsy. I like Steve Blake from his days in Portland…sue me. That said, this picture must be added after that comment. It is well deserved.

Thought #11: If this Progressive Insurance gal doesn’t cool the eff out she’s gonna help the world better themselves for free, then die alone.  Horrible business model, bimbo.


Thought #12: I just took a break from this thang.  Want to get ramped up for the 4th quarter.  Ashton Kutcher has better seats than the Beckham’s, and he’s also wearing the hat of a local high class high school in the Malibu Hills.  Ashton is so damned cool that I could just piss myself in giddiness.

Thought #13: How about that Joe Dumars?  “I don’t like this Aron Afflalo on our team…let him go.  Get me Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon STAT!”

Thought #14: “The suave, eloquence of Mike Brown makes me know that he’d be a dream in the sack” – quote, every woman in America.  BAC% update:  0.15%.  I know I said I’d get drunk for this blog and all, but I’m only having one more beer…I’m throwing in the towel!

Thought #15: So that “great undertone between backup PG’s” comment from earlier?  Totally come to fruition.  Just check the stats (note: stats withheld).  Side note: did my soccer mom mentality about former Blazers lead me to compare Steve Blake to one of my favorite PG’s of this generation?  Yes.  Yes it did.

Thought #16: George Karl is a freaking motivator.  This year’s squad is made up of role players, castoffs, and knuckleheads.  Yet, he gets the most out of all of them (see, Corey Brewer, Javale McGee, Aron Afflalo, and every other player on the roster).  Free agents looking to redefine themselves?  Call Denver.  Right now.  Wait…no.  Call the Blazers.  They are real go getters and have really nice and loyal fans.

Interested in joining the Trail Blazers as a free agent? Call Paul Allen’s right hand man, the front runner for the vacant GM position.

Thought #17: Piggybacking on mentioning Javale McGee, it’s amazing what a good environment does to a talented player.  Follow him on Twitter.  Like right now.

Thought #18: Okay… 1). Why is a Linkin Park ditty the song for the NBA Playoffs?  2). Why did TNT’s commentators feel the need to point out the “rapper” of the group in the stands in LA?  Linkin Park is less relevant than P!nk, Avril Lavigne, or Sum 41. 

Thought #19: Pathetic (but very true) thought – many Laker fans are probably longing for Derek Fisher rather than Ramon Sessions during the closing minutes of this game (102-96 lead for the Lakers with 20 seconds left…note: Sessions made two free throws to put them up 6).  As for me, I just long to see the Steve Blake/Andre Miller matchup.  It’d be a clash of the titans.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Bulls are done.  Celts will beat the Hawks (with or without Josh Smith).  The Lakers will beat the Nuggets, but I like watching the Nugs more.  Finally, I am 0.17% drunk. 

Worst.  Idea.  Ever.

See ya next time. 


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